Ramblings

There’s something we need to talk about, this obsession with marriage. I have no idea where it came from or why it’s hear in my life but it’s there. It’s been there since going away to college, that last Art In Me and conversation with Kami. From there it’s been gnawing, biting, hacking at my every thought. Even the days I’m busy doing work or fishing, it’s there. Studies have said guys think about sex more than women, is this me thinking about sex? The way others think about sex and the way I think about marriage seem very similar. So what’s the next step? This isn’t straight forward at all, but let’s take it from the top. 

God is first always. 

Family-parents, nephews, brothers n sisters, nieces too. 

Friends there are like family too

Coworker and acquaintances 

And somewhere in there is me. Lord this has been one rats nest. Like when I’m fishing and going to make a cast then line goes every which direction then the lure only makes it a quarter of the distance intended. Help me untangle this mess. Like you did this afternoon. I made that cast and it just went anywhere but the intended direction. I love you God. I owe everything I have to you. Please help me untangle this mess in my mind. Thanks for always being there God. For never changing and always being the constant. 

Tired.

Ya know I need to hear that but it’s the last thing I want to hear.

I’ve forgone happiness in this season, I’d much rather settle for contentment. Happiness says things will change, but right now the things I want to change aren’t coming. The change that is happening is within me, which is quite good however tiresome in the way of going over and over the issues which arise. Yet the hardest part is, that I’m in a job that I believe there is a time period I’m there for which is a job I do not care for. What’s harder is that the joy which I do have is rooted in my faith and everything feels rocky right now.

I am tired. Tired of life. Tired of people wishing well, but throwing daggers. Tired of hearing, “nice guys finish last.” Tired of society, tired of the hate. I’m content to eek out a living in this season with hope not happiness things will change in time. In the meantime I have forgone the thought of marriage or a family of my own. It’s hard being around my friends who are truthfully. In some small part there is a desire to walk away from all that holds me to this place in life. I’m not talking death, I’m talking long distance move and leaving everything from the past behind.

“I’m Done”

I’m done. Don’t ask what it means, but what matters is how it affects me and my life. 

Look there comes a point and time in a person’s like where a line in the sand must be drawn. That is this point. I’m not going anywhere or moving(not yet at least), but what is being said is this: no longer will I follow silly wayward ideals or standards. It’s been a long journey this past year, there have been times where I literally said, “This is it, find someone else.” Yes-that’s my conversation with God. This must be how the disciples felt at times one must wonder or how those closest to Christ reacted in difficulty, but yet somehow their faith was restored and they pushed on. 

Now for me-I’m in a period of growing and in a place where one does not care to be for various reasons. But I must remember that in those rocky times they will only last for a period. 

A week ago Sunday, I was in Duluth at a church that poured out its life into me, sitting there Sunday morning with new and familiar faces around me listening to a sermon that pierced the depth of me. I could hear God saying to me-“Go, get prayer.” It was needed. Restoring the faith in ways that one could not do on their own. For the coming days, there was a steady reminder of God’s goodness and faithfulness. Even on Facebook, there were hints, inklings of something which needed to be pursued. 

Now a week behind me, life is brighter. Is it easier? Heck no! If anything, it’s just as challenging as before yet there is this semblance of peace which remains. For that I’m grateful. Do others see a difference? I’m not sure, however eventually they will I think. So to sum up what I’m trying to say is, it’s not easy to walk a life that doesn’t follow norms and being grateful is important because we need that joy and hope in difficult times. 

Take care and God Bless!