Tired, like butter scrapped...

Not sure exactly when this started, but the last few months have left me feeling empty and completely depleted. As Biblo Baggings describes to Gandalf, "Like butter that's been scrapped over to much bread," that is exactly the feeling I have this January and there is a yearning for some serious honest rest. Rest that isn't luxury related, but rest that comes from taking care of yourself. One might guess that self-care is the topic and you would not be far from the mark and as I sit here typing this out it comes to mind for sure. Far to many mornings where I wake up exhausted. Far to many evenings that all I wanna do is sleep, but find myself starring at the ceiling waiting for sleep to take me. Some of my close friends would suggest a healthier diet and regular exercise, they would not be wrong, however there is bigger piece here than self-care. There seems to be a struggle spiritually and it's not that my faith is lost or wavering, but constantly feeling tapped all the time regardless of how much time is taken for myself, devotional, and spiritual health. There just doesn't seem like there is enough hours in a day and regardless of what is done there is always more that needs my attention. I hear sayings, "Don't leave for tomorrow what can be done today." But honestly, I am one person and you think, "How much is there to do for one person?" Not a lot and that is arguably a true statement in and of itself. Maybe I am not relying on God for the things I should and that might be something to seriously take a look at. Usually my thoughts are a little more coherent, but this feels more rambling than from my normal stuff. Something needs to change or there won't be much left of me. Sitting here starring at my computer, it's easy to let me thoughts go and take me places, but in my spirit there is something stirring. Something yearning. I do not know what it is, but that is what I do know. I hope all who read this are finding their stride going into 2020 and no it's not a new decade people. It's election year too. Please be respectful of others in this time, don't just run others over because of what you feel. Also pray our leadership, we need prayer in our country, for our leaders that we elect, and for each other. Be kind to yourself, your neighbor, and spend time with those you love. Take care and God Bless!

Frustrated Christian

Man-talking about tough, not swinging between fear and aggression. It’s been difficult. Fear usually comes in the mornings and aggression in the afternoons. Talk about humbling, the only thing that helps is running to God and asking for help. I’ve been granted many of nice compliments and they are probably true, but what all my friends don’t see or realize is the internal battle. I’ve chosen to live alone, it’s easier a LOT easier than to live with someone. My college roommate proved that to me. Now there is another person in my life and that requires dying to myself. It’s like a snake shedding its skin or a bird molting feathers from immature to mature. Difficult process, but in the end worth it. People want good things for me, but in the end I just want comfort and stability. Surrender of the life that once was. Dying to the self of selfishness. Reliant on a force we cannot see, but dependent on. That’s my week. So ready for the weekend.  

Writing and Life

For a while blogging was and has been an outlet for me, tonight this is more of a forced than something which has been mauled over in the brain for days if not weeks on end. Maybe it has been just not in the way that my other topics have been, I've loved blogging and sharing my thoughts however lately it's something that's taken a backseat to life. I rarely sit down and find myself thinking, "Hey, that's something I should write about or this is a deep personal experience that others may find helpful." Now my brain is rapid fire, with quick thoughts so here's to slowing down a bit and writing more. It's always been therapeutic for me, I enjoy it probably more than I express.

It's now August 18th @ 10:13pm, just finished a most eloquent movie about the life of JRR Tolkien, the most engaging pieces were after the war and his experiences were something that connected me. I'm sitting here in my apartment thinking about the previous week and the coming week as it's late on Sunday, knowing what lies ahead this road will be a bit challenging for me and I do not know the outcome. It's a difficult road filled with unknowns and turns that are foreboding at times, but then there is this hope that allows for hope when all else fades. Like dawn creeping over the trees and hills after an ugly storm that destroys, uproots, and pillages communities. There is a hopefulness and it's not of my own making.

My heart is heavy. I am working on becoming a better version of me, but there's an unexpected turn that was taken a few months ago which has brought me into the most peculiar of circumstances in the very best of ways. I will not say more.

Writing, blogging, or journaling has been more therapeutic since my return to home, something which helped me to express emotions and feelings at times while not being tormented by them, call it emotional agility if you will. Our emotions are neither good nor bad, they are them, they offer insights into our world and as we project them we show others what is going on inside of us. Recently, there's been a pattern of returning to the basics in my life, by this being diligent in the little things and understanding the importance of the disciplines in work, life, faith, and even fishing along with my other hobbies.

So now I bid thee goodnight and I shall rise to go through the routine of life, to be diligent in the little things to honor the teachings and my God. To let go of the past, to move forward in life, and to take the next hill. There are battles to be won, then there are battles to lost, and battles which we were never meant to fight. Thank God we have one who intercedes on our behalf, gives us a grace that is not wimpy or cheapened, but one that is full life and forgiving. Remember God is in control, He is sovereign over all things. Hope, the desire and belief things will change. Hope. Such a simple word with massive implications. Thank you God who can do immeasurably more, who allows us to hope beyond hope.

Thank you friends, family, and loved ones for your support and encouragement throughout my life.

Goodnight and God Bless!

Faith and Belief

Let’s talk about faith and belief. It’s been a long year from 2018 to 2019 and where life is now for me, but with that journey comes growth, new relationships, and a better understanding of who I am. 

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.” 

Hebrews 11:1-2

Just recently there was a sermon where the pastor talked very poignantly on faith and belief, how they are synonymous with our trust in God. At the end of the message I found myself writing down personal questions, questions which challenged my belief, faith, and trust in God. 

Because until recently my life had become a one man rodeo. If anything was going to get done, it was me who was going to do it. Let me spell it out for ya. B a c h e l o r. That spells bachelor. It means there is no one but me to get things done or so I tried. What that doesn’t imply that my relationship is only when deemed necessary. But that’s what had happened. There was a series of events which started the snowball down this path and that was a year ago or so. 

I slowly pushed God out of my decisions, my troubles which I “knew” I could handle, and slowly it became hey we talk in the morning and yeah the music is on during the car rides. But something was missing. My faith and belief. Everything was done alone and by me. From that sermon two weeks ago, there was a podcast Monday this week which drove the point home. My battles have been and were being fought on my own strength or by my will. 

There has been a lot to process this week, lot of slow and steady changes that will be taking place. Slowly, but intentionally asking and inviting God back into areas of my which I pushed him out. It’s a process which can’t and shouldn’t be rushed, we probably would rush the process if we chose to however that’s not really good for us. Enjoy the process and understand that there is good things which come from the process and how it grows/matured us as believers. 

Let me speak to the less seasoned Christians or new believers for a minute. When we turn our lives over to Christ and repent from our former lives, during those first months its imperative to invite God unto every aspect of your life. Thereby submitting to his authority and will for your life, by doing so we partner with God and take on his perspective of how we should make decisions or handle situations, relationships, and everything else in our lives. It’s easy to ask God into our lives, but surrendering and letting him be Lord is a bit more difficult. Give yourself some grace, patience, and find a friend who can help you on this journey. 

Through this time, there has been an awakening in my faith, I’m willing to trust and believe God will help through my situations and struggles. Whereas before my general attitude, “Okay, God I got this one. Or hey, I could use a little help here. Then going back to doing it on my own.” It’s humbling because I cannot do this on my own and I need him with me every step of the way. 

I had lost a lot of faith and belief that God would be there for me, I had forgotten what he had done before. So as you can imagine my trust was gone or almost gone. Completely or very close to being self reliant. So when I quoted Hebrews 11:1-2, it’s to remind us that regardless how bleak our situation or circumstances may look, God is always there with an open hand waiting for us to reach out to him. With a willing and open heart he accepts us back with all our faults. The ancients were men and women of great faith. They held tightly to their faith, so should we.  

In closing, please do not protest any longer and open up yourself to God and let him be welcomed in your life. It’s well worth it. He’s a good and gracious God who loves us very much. May the peace and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ guide you. 

Take care and God Bless!

Ramblings

There’s something we need to talk about, this obsession with marriage. I have no idea where it came from or why it’s hear in my life but it’s there. It’s been there since going away to college, that last Art In Me and conversation with Kami. From there it’s been gnawing, biting, hacking at my every thought. Even the days I’m busy doing work or fishing, it’s there. Studies have said guys think about sex more than women, is this me thinking about sex? The way others think about sex and the way I think about marriage seem very similar. So what’s the next step? This isn’t straight forward at all, but let’s take it from the top. 

God is first always. 

Family-parents, nephews, brothers n sisters, nieces too. 

Friends there are like family too

Coworker and acquaintances 

And somewhere in there is me. Lord this has been one rats nest. Like when I’m fishing and going to make a cast then line goes every which direction then the lure only makes it a quarter of the distance intended. Help me untangle this mess. Like you did this afternoon. I made that cast and it just went anywhere but the intended direction. I love you God. I owe everything I have to you. Please help me untangle this mess in my mind. Thanks for always being there God. For never changing and always being the constant. 

Tired.

Ya know I need to hear that but it’s the last thing I want to hear.

I’ve forgone happiness in this season, I’d much rather settle for contentment. Happiness says things will change, but right now the things I want to change aren’t coming. The change that is happening is within me, which is quite good however tiresome in the way of going over and over the issues which arise. Yet the hardest part is, that I’m in a job that I believe there is a time period I’m there for which is a job I do not care for. What’s harder is that the joy which I do have is rooted in my faith and everything feels rocky right now.

I am tired. Tired of life. Tired of people wishing well, but throwing daggers. Tired of hearing, “nice guys finish last.” Tired of society, tired of the hate. I’m content to eek out a living in this season with hope not happiness things will change in time. In the meantime I have forgone the thought of marriage or a family of my own. It’s hard being around my friends who are truthfully. In some small part there is a desire to walk away from all that holds me to this place in life. I’m not talking death, I’m talking long distance move and leaving everything from the past behind.

“I’m Done”

I’m done. Don’t ask what it means, but what matters is how it affects me and my life. 

Look there comes a point and time in a person’s like where a line in the sand must be drawn. That is this point. I’m not going anywhere or moving(not yet at least), but what is being said is this: no longer will I follow silly wayward ideals or standards. It’s been a long journey this past year, there have been times where I literally said, “This is it, find someone else.” Yes-that’s my conversation with God. This must be how the disciples felt at times one must wonder or how those closest to Christ reacted in difficulty, but yet somehow their faith was restored and they pushed on. 

Now for me-I’m in a period of growing and in a place where one does not care to be for various reasons. But I must remember that in those rocky times they will only last for a period. 

A week ago Sunday, I was in Duluth at a church that poured out its life into me, sitting there Sunday morning with new and familiar faces around me listening to a sermon that pierced the depth of me. I could hear God saying to me-“Go, get prayer.” It was needed. Restoring the faith in ways that one could not do on their own. For the coming days, there was a steady reminder of God’s goodness and faithfulness. Even on Facebook, there were hints, inklings of something which needed to be pursued. 

Now a week behind me, life is brighter. Is it easier? Heck no! If anything, it’s just as challenging as before yet there is this semblance of peace which remains. For that I’m grateful. Do others see a difference? I’m not sure, however eventually they will I think. So to sum up what I’m trying to say is, it’s not easy to walk a life that doesn’t follow norms and being grateful is important because we need that joy and hope in difficult times. 

Take care and God Bless!