Well it's been quite the year for me and here I sit typing away for another blog post. The reality hit me the other day after I had been through a seminar that was put on by a couple from the church I attend. The truth resonated of the waters of Lake Superior as I spoke it.
For all the progress I've made this year and all the restoration that's happened I still struggle with letting the past be the past. The truth is that I would rather live a thousand lives as a soldier then one life as a civilian. The truth is I still would rather be back in the military then be in this life. I know what some of you are going to say and frankly now is not the time. I've been in the other life longer than I have been in this life. I realized that me wanting to be back in the military is rather selfish and let me explain why.
First off it's me going back into something that I want to do, not something that would benefit others. It would benefit to me and frankly I think a lot of people would have a hard time with it. Yeah yeah I know what some of you are going say, " You shouldn't care what others think." Which is true that I shouldn't care what others think of my decisions, but the bottom line is that I see this as a way for me to do what I've always wanted to do which was make a career of serving my country. As good as it sounds and it sounds amazing the truth is that I'm going back because I want to not because that where I should or where God wants me, but because I want to. Being a civilian sucks in my eyes................... all trash that you have deal with and the people are just well I won't go there.
Secondly if I were to head back into the military it would mean that I would pull away to a degree from all the friends that I've made since I've been back. My focus would shift away from interacting with people I care about and it would be on being the best soldier I could be. There is also an attitude shift that occurs when this happens which looks like me walking around constantly with a chip on my shoulder. Thinking that I'm better then the rest of these people out there. For a lot of my friends now you really haven't seen much of the other side of who I was if any at all.
Ugh I hate writing this stuff! It sucks! Yeah I miss the military and yes I do not enjoy being a civilian at all. This is probably one of those things that will take most of my life to readjust too! Crap I just realized what I wrote right there.I just wish this didn't have to be this way.
© Nathan Fahlin
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