"The Tattoo"

Well it's been an interesting week and here I am on break from school sitting inside a warm house with the comforts of home all around. The only difference now is that I have a tattoo, yep that's right a tattoo! It's on my right forearm and on the outside so it's easy to show. After sharing briefly about why I got the tattoo, I felt the need to share more of the reasoning behind it.

Yesterday the reaction to my tattoo took me completely by surprise and almost had me in tears truthfully. As I watched in what seemed slow motion to my friends reaction and the expression on their face, I fought to hold it back, the tears, the emotions of much of a story hidden behind the words, the name engraved in my skin in ink. You see there is a story behind this and a story not many people truly know, but it's a story that I'm honored to share yet it's also difficult to talk about because it's not something that I relish in.

You see way back in 2006 in the month of September a conversation took place between two people. Of those two people, only one is here today and the other is in a better place. Those two people were Nicholas Turcotte and myself....during our time spent together we ran missions, did training, and played xbox among various other activities. There are a few conversations between the two of us that I recall like yesterday and not many other people knew that they took place. There was a few different times where we talked about either switching squads which would of put me in 1st and him in 2nd or changing leave dates with each other so he could be home for his wife's birthday.

I remember talking to him right before that fateful mission and just seeing the life in his eyes and now we as members of the platoon carry on his legacy in some way, shape, or form and for me part of that is the "tattoo." I never really understood or thought about what survivor's guilt looked like or how it was expressed through others who could, should, or otherwise died. It wasn't until I sat down with a good friend that I began to realize and understand what I had been feeling since it was Memorial Day weekend. After sitting down with him, he helped me understand how this takes place in our lives as he's a father to a son who's paralyzed from the waist down. The more we talked, the more I saw in my own heart that I wish we could of changed places or something. It was in this conversation where something was realized and there had to be a change.

It was just yesterday when I was talking to a friend about this same topic and we were discussing everything that I just put into this blog. We talked for a while it seemed and even though there are times when I think it should of been, she reminded me that it happened this way for a reason. I'm in no way taking away from his death, but sharing my own conflict inside of me. I hate to say this, but I've come to believe that maybe it was his time and mine wasn't yet to come which is hard to grasp or understand even as a Christian, it's just one of those things you take on faith. You can ask why till you are blue in the face, but you won't know the answer this side of eternity. This is the conflict within me, it's not something that is taken lightly nor brushed away easily. This is the story of the "Tattoo." This does not just belong to me, but to the one whose name I bore on my arm.

New Surroundings and Me

Well I think it's time for a blog post as it's been a while and this semester has quite interesting for me honestly. In all truthfulness it's been a challenge in many ways that I did and did not expect or anticipate. It's taught a lot about myself and what are the challenges that I still face which is good because it shows me that there is much learning left to do. In many ways next semester will be interesting to see how it pans out and how I handle the situations which will arise.

Probably the biggest challenge for me has been the fact that I've not been steady at a single church and it's taken time to find one that still fits what I'm looking for. August into part of September I attended Hope Community and while that was good, it left me looking for something more or maybe that was me. For the rest of September through the entire month of October I would visit other churches in the area, hoping to find what I was looking for. To find a place where I can be me and connect with people. Ugh so much time and effort has gone into this that it's almost like a chore trying to find where you are supposed to be. So this coming Sunday I'm going back to Hope Community to give it another shot as it may very well be the best option and it's very close to campus which is a big bonus.

The second challenge for me is the "christian community" called North Central and the closeness of the campus. This would lead me to feeling claustrophobic at times and prolonged times away from the school and downtown area which was good, but at the same made it tougher for me. I saw this because it really challenged me when I would come back because of the constant noise and the people. I had to teach myself to become okay with being surrounded by noise and people constantly, but I've also needed to take time for me. This meant taking drives away from campus and being around people who I don't see weekly which turns out to be something I like. It allows me to be me and it's healthy to get away from the campus environment.

Oddly enough this challenge for me would have to do with my experiences and where I've been because of the choices which I made when I was younger and truthfully it's another learning process because of the surroundings. PTSD sucks plain and simple. With that said the new circumstances have been interesting to deal with and yeah the flares have been challenge because of the new triggers or triggers which I didn't know about. There is always a certain amount of learning that happens when you are dealing with something like this because you're constantly changing how you handle the triggers, situations, and reactions. So yeah it's like relearning things all over again because of the new environment which you are being thrusted into.

So here I am a week away from my 30th birthday and finally feel like my feet are being planted firmly so I'm very happy with that! It gives me some rigidity to my daily life and if you know me long enough, you know I like routines. So here's to the second half of the semester! Take care and God Bless!!