Unknowns and Me

In the past two months or so it seems there have been several different times when it seems like there are variables beyond my control which influence decisions that will be made in my future, so much that it seems maddening because when one is laid down another jumps up and takes its place. I cannot describe what this has been like besides just short of being in Iraq again, it is the only thing that comes close to what this semester has been. For lack of a better term "Rollercoaster" and an emotional one at that. A lot of my good friends lately have been commenting on my ability to persevere or that I have a strong spirit or I'm stronger than I think I am which is appreciated. What they don't see is when I'm alone in my apartment filled with pent up frustrations because of life and the circumstances which are being thrusted upon me, or when like today waking up at 4am an unable to fall back to sleep. If you know me well enough then you know how much of a struggle it is for me when there are unknown variables, it has become an ever increasing challenge as of late and frankly I wonder in pure amazement how I am still here standing upright.

Nothing seems to go as planned, that is about the only thing right now which is the one consistent piece in my life aside from my relationship with God, family, and friends. Truthfully those are my support networks in which my strength comes from because they know me better than I know myself at times. Unknowns are by far the biggest challenge, they create a frustration which only a few things in life can create for me and the reality they keep jumping up, they are in my face. Last night a good friend and I spent several hours trying to repair a gas leak in my vehicle in the process we found that my steering rack is leaking power steering fluid. This is exactly what has been happening since the start of this semester, go looking at one thing and then find another. How on this green earth do we handle these situations because frankly it has been driving me nuts. It amazes me that here I am just a little over half way through the semester and somehow someway it hasn't come toppling down in a giant mess.

Maybe this isn't so much a theme for this semester maybe it has been for this year, just a thought. Whatever the case maybe there is only so much which can be accomplish within the context of a normal twenty-four hour day. Is it to much to ask for one whole month where nothing crazy happens and life can go smoothly on thereby allowing me to focus on school work. As much as I am writing this for myself in order to process truthfully this is me coming before God publicly because while praying alone, letting others know they aren't alone in there struggles as well, and being vulnerable.

One thing which was recently shared with me was the idea of a silent retreat, going to a place where you can just go and not have to interact with people a lot or even talk within certain areas. Probably one of the best things which I've done for myself since coming down to Minneapolis for schooling. My time down here has been very challenging with many obstacles and now as the time in coming for graduation, my final semester of registering for classes. My thoughts now are, "It's going to take a miracle for me to graduate if this continues." Never before in my academic career has there been such a challenge as this semester has been, it continually amazes me just that here I am.

If I were to be open and honest with my readers this is one of those times where I doubt in making it, where I doubt in the ability to finish. It has been that trying of a semester. I look for God, looking for the little things, but also in the bigger picture and that is the harder part. because right now the word is patience and let tell you what I detest that word, I loathe it. People say just be patient. Do you have any idea what you're saying ?!?!?!?!?! Do people actually use their brain before engaging their mouth.... This is like in that part in the movie when the main character realizes not only does he have to embrace the possibility of failing, but give it his all if he is to succeed. There is no half-assing it from here on out. Balls to the wall. You have to be fully committed to your cause if you are going to succeed, you have be half-in and succeed, or two-thirds, or three quarters. It is everything or nothing. If anyone knows me, they know this I am either all in or not in at all. There is only one option and that is to be all in. Very few times will I actually withdraw completely from activities, challenges, and life because that is simply me.

So coming to the end already. Where is the next step? Don't have a clue. Hard to admit, but that's a fact. Wish there were answers, but lately there has been far more questions than answers. The hardest part is not getting cold to the point where I become detached from everything. I have been down that road before and it's cold, lonely, and sucks. So if you are reading this then pray for me. I need it now more than ever. There is no quick or easy fix in these types of situations. Other than what has already been written not much else can be said. You have my thanks for the continued support through the years and as always, "Take care and God Bless."