Ramblings

There’s something we need to talk about, this obsession with marriage. I have no idea where it came from or why it’s hear in my life but it’s there. It’s been there since going away to college, that last Art In Me and conversation with Kami. From there it’s been gnawing, biting, hacking at my every thought. Even the days I’m busy doing work or fishing, it’s there. Studies have said guys think about sex more than women, is this me thinking about sex? The way others think about sex and the way I think about marriage seem very similar. So what’s the next step? This isn’t straight forward at all, but let’s take it from the top. 

God is first always. 

Family-parents, nephews, brothers n sisters, nieces too. 

Friends there are like family too

Coworker and acquaintances 

And somewhere in there is me. Lord this has been one rats nest. Like when I’m fishing and going to make a cast then line goes every which direction then the lure only makes it a quarter of the distance intended. Help me untangle this mess. Like you did this afternoon. I made that cast and it just went anywhere but the intended direction. I love you God. I owe everything I have to you. Please help me untangle this mess in my mind. Thanks for always being there God. For never changing and always being the constant. 

Tired.

Ya know I need to hear that but it’s the last thing I want to hear.

I’ve forgone happiness in this season, I’d much rather settle for contentment. Happiness says things will change, but right now the things I want to change aren’t coming. The change that is happening is within me, which is quite good however tiresome in the way of going over and over the issues which arise. Yet the hardest part is, that I’m in a job that I believe there is a time period I’m there for which is a job I do not care for. What’s harder is that the joy which I do have is rooted in my faith and everything feels rocky right now.

I am tired. Tired of life. Tired of people wishing well, but throwing daggers. Tired of hearing, “nice guys finish last.” Tired of society, tired of the hate. I’m content to eek out a living in this season with hope not happiness things will change in time. In the meantime I have forgone the thought of marriage or a family of my own. It’s hard being around my friends who are truthfully. In some small part there is a desire to walk away from all that holds me to this place in life. I’m not talking death, I’m talking long distance move and leaving everything from the past behind.

“I’m Done”

I’m done. Don’t ask what it means, but what matters is how it affects me and my life. 

Look there comes a point and time in a person’s like where a line in the sand must be drawn. That is this point. I’m not going anywhere or moving(not yet at least), but what is being said is this: no longer will I follow silly wayward ideals or standards. It’s been a long journey this past year, there have been times where I literally said, “This is it, find someone else.” Yes-that’s my conversation with God. This must be how the disciples felt at times one must wonder or how those closest to Christ reacted in difficulty, but yet somehow their faith was restored and they pushed on. 

Now for me-I’m in a period of growing and in a place where one does not care to be for various reasons. But I must remember that in those rocky times they will only last for a period. 

A week ago Sunday, I was in Duluth at a church that poured out its life into me, sitting there Sunday morning with new and familiar faces around me listening to a sermon that pierced the depth of me. I could hear God saying to me-“Go, get prayer.” It was needed. Restoring the faith in ways that one could not do on their own. For the coming days, there was a steady reminder of God’s goodness and faithfulness. Even on Facebook, there were hints, inklings of something which needed to be pursued. 

Now a week behind me, life is brighter. Is it easier? Heck no! If anything, it’s just as challenging as before yet there is this semblance of peace which remains. For that I’m grateful. Do others see a difference? I’m not sure, however eventually they will I think. So to sum up what I’m trying to say is, it’s not easy to walk a life that doesn’t follow norms and being grateful is important because we need that joy and hope in difficult times. 

Take care and God Bless!  

“Am I Ever Going to Get Married”

First off, let me say not being in college is great and I’m loving being graduated. I have an apartment in Osseo, MN not far from work and it’s slowly being furnished/put together. Honestly this is something that has been good, my own space filled me and my own crap. Not having to deal with roommates or noisy traffic has been great. 

However the question people love to ask me is, “Dating anyone? Got a woman in your life?” Then there are those who jokingly poke, prod, and ask me if I’m dating, to those I role my eyes at or make remarks based upon age, relationship, and friendship but most of the time I just laugh. My life doesn’t fit the mold for what Americans think of a young man and that’s fine by me. 

Is there changes which need to occur? Yes. Will they happen? Only if I discipline myself will they. But truthfully in my life there have been moments which I’ve hurried and where missed opportunities smack of pride. In my younger years I was in such a hurry to do x,y,&z that there are missed moments. One area in my life was getting married, so I flailed away in angst getting no where. So much that I’ve missed moments, but something happened in my last year of college which showed me more about myself. 

That one simple thing was how much I enjoy sharing life with people regardless of age, gender, or interests. You see in the late fall 2016 semester I embarked on a journey because of a dare by a friend. Not the stupid dares you see or hear of, but to go out of my realm of comfort. He has given a great performance in a theatrical titled The Secret Garden, you see I’m known by my peers because of my life and the scenes I laugh at. There was a play coming up and he put me up to the challenge of auditioning, me no experience nothing. Sure what’s the worst? They say no? Okay. Welp, then we meet mister bronchitis. Yeah that sums up that audition. Then there was the student led One Acts, where students would lead/direct and help recreate a small portion of a massive play. The play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, me I was King Claudius, oh what a sight. We practiced for weeks, preparing and memorizing lines, cast changes and all for recreating a play. But it wasn’t the play itself, it was being around the people. The night of the play, we are doing last minute checks, then we are milling about in the seats which the very spectators will be watching from. It’s here you find a small band of students huddled around talking, we get on the topic of friends. Being me and sometimes sharing to much, I openly talk about friendships and how to determine who’s healthy for you as a person. Immediately I reference Madea as the in the Tyler Parry show, and from here everyone is grasped. Full attention. Questions arise. It was in this moment where I realized how much I love people. Not in the sense of the attention, but their earnestness to learn or to hear from someone who has experienced more or simply to hear from someone else. I wish I’d gotten a picture of everyone, because the group ranged from your typical theater majors to a big goofy guy who’s seen way to many war movies lol! 

You see it’s not that I don’t want to get married, it’s that I want to be around people who care deeply for others, that spend their days living out the cause of the Gospel more than anything else. If that means I forfeit my right to marry simply because not being married allows me to rub shoulders with people who I  may otherwise not then so be it. I know there will be people who will read this and think, “You’re crazy or this dude is off his rocker,” but you know what to do what I’ve done in my life you have to be a little off center. 

You don’t sign up for the Infantry at age 19 knowing you could be killed and not be a little crazy. It’s decisions like these which have guided my life. Listen friends, if there is a woman out and I believe there who God has for me then great, but I’m not going to live my life as if she will never come or we will never meet. I believe when the time is right it will happen, that’s Gods timing not mine. 

I love the idea of sharing my life with a person, traveling, having a family, pursuing God and sharing the Gospel. But here’s the catch, it’s all or nothing. If God were to tell me to sell my things and go become a missionary in a third world country where Christians are persecuted because of their faith I would. It would be hard, but that’s the price I’m willing to pay, formed in word and thought nearly 7 years ago. 

So if you’re wondering when that special person will come along, stop it. Stop waiting and start living your life. Your life doesn’t begin when you’re married, it begins when you realize it’s waiting for you before your very eyes. I cannot say that I’ve learned to be content in all things because I’m not, but I’m striving toward that goal daily. 

Our culture will judge a persons life bun how full it is, if they are married, kids, job, but God looks at our lives differently. So stop playing the waiting game and grab life by the horns and run with where it takes you. Please do not waste time wondering when will he or she come into your life, it’s pointless. 

Have a good night and God willin’ see ya next week. Take care and God bless!