Well as the days turn into weeks and weeks into months I'm at the point where I want some change. Tired of being in the same old position as I've been in the past. No I'm not doing anything radical, just trying to get myself in a healthy place. I know there has been a lot of growing for me recently, but as always there is more to be done and more to be had. I don't know why, but I'm actually looking forward to the change that will be coming. No, I'm not running a fever or going crazy I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes. I would rather change then continue living this way.
Maturity. What is it ? How do we know that we as people are mature ? How can you tell if you're mature ? It's taken many months and probably honestly years to realize how much left there is for me to mature and grow as not only a person, but as a christian as well. Maturity is where you can communicate clearly with other people whether it's friends, coworkers, or family. Understanding that when there is a conflict how to resolve the conflict properly. Communication is not one of my stronger points as a person and it's rather difficult sometimes when you realize that your point isn't making any sense or you're just going in circles. Boundaries are another part of maturity. Setting boundaries in any relationship is healthy and a good thing. Boundaries are good in friendships, relationships with coworkers, relationships in which people are dating or engaged, also in our families. This has come to me recently after lots of time spent pondering what things in my life need to be changed. Frankly I have a hard time setting boundaries and that goes back to two different things. One is my personalty and the other is I haven't set many boundaries before in my life. I am not trying to make an excuse for myself, I'm simply saying it is what it is. Over the coming weeks and possibly months there will be many different times where I know I'll be challenged to set boundaries with friends.
This last part is hard.... it's hard enough that I don't want to talk about it because frankly it's been frustrating for me to see this and then admit it. Yeah I'm delaying my rambling on and on about how much I don't want to talk about this. None the less it needs to come out and here it is. Until specific things happen in my life I will not be looking for relationships of the serious nature or dating either. There is a couple reasons why this is happening, but most importantly is the fact that I'm really not ready. That's the truth and I know I've mentioned it in another blog post it's just the truth. Also where I'm at with my life is not healthy to allow myself to build a healthy relationship with someone who I would possibly consider marrying. Living at home isn't bad, but for a single guy it's just not the right time nor place to start a relationship. I know some of you probably are shaking your heads so guess what, "I don't care what you think." We are all different and for this is part of the process. This is not easy, but it's the truth. I haven't really been fair to my friends of the opposite sex. It's something that I've struggled with inside of my mind and that's looking at my female friends as possible mates. TO ALL OF YOU I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY. So here it is, "Forgive me and the truth is many if any of you did not know this was happening." Wow! Never thought I would type something like this....EVER! It's just been a part of my thought process for a long time and I'm working hard on changing it.
Why oh why do I feel like I exposed every nerve with this post ? It's like being an open book for everyone to see. I guess this is just part of being open and honest with others that you care about. I haven't decided if I like this post yet, but in reality it needed to come out. These topics needed to be talked about and that's the truth. I know it's not fun trust me I'm the guy writing this blog post and yeah this isn't my favorite thing to talk about. Oh just so y'all know Veteran's Day is on a Sunday this year, so don't expect anything special because I'll be off enjoying all the free food that day ;-)! Well another post done and man it's not exactly my favorite post that's sure.
Oh by the way I would like to hear back from everyone who reads my blog with feedback so please send an email to: bigfah@gmail.com
© Nathan Fahlin
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Maturity: Relationships
I've been thinking about a new blog post for a while and honestly this summer has been a little crazy so here I am sitting down at the computer and taking time to actually think about what I should blog about. This may seem a little odd or different, but I guess that's part of my personality.
The last couple days has made me think about maturity and all the different forms of maturity that there are in my perspective of how I look at things. A good example would be the comments that are made back and forth to my brother who knows me best and how we joke about different things. The reality is that there probably is some emotional maturing that needs to happen when it comes to how I joke with others or how I interact. I'm not afraid to admit that I still need to mature. I also know that in many other ways I'm very mature. Just this past week I ended a 3month relationship that took a lot out of me to actually end the relationship. It was struggle for me honestly and I didn't want do end it, but I knew in my heart that I needed too. I spent time praying and meditating on it for hours if not days, then the conviction came to me that things needed to end. So that's what I did, I ended the relationship and yeah it sucked. Period. End of report.
This relationship pushed me and challenged me in a lot of ways a Christian that I never a relationship would. I know there is a lot to learn from this relationship and how now I know. The reality for me lately has been that I'm a very loyal and faithful person so I'll jump head first without thinking. Therefore moving faster then what's healthy for me. Basically accelerating the pace of the relationship, but that's not the best nor the right thing to do. This will probably be one of the more challenging things that I will have to overcome. Now I'm not saying loyalty and faithfulness are not bad characteristics or traits, they just have to be used correctly. This is me owning up to my mistakes honestly and yeah it sucks, but it's the way it is. I also know that boundaries are a healthy part of relationships too. Yes, I said it boundaries are necessary for a Godly relationship to be healthy and also to stay pure for both person who are involved in the relationship.
I could go on and on about what I've learned, but there is one more thing that I want to talk about which is near and dear to my heart. There is an acronym that takes on a different aspect in relationships which causes my thought process to be dark or causing self pity. P.T.S.D. (Post traumatic stress disorder) probably one of the biggest things that frustrates me. I say it frustrates me because in every aspect of my life this acronym causes different challenges or struggles for me. That's just part of who I am and yes it sucks at times. I had a bear of time watching the fire works this 4th of July. I could hardly sit still because I was constantly watching for the fire works that were being shot off behind me and the fact that I couldn't see them made it worse. I remember thinking and no I'm not going to be politically correct here, "When will this shit just stop?!" Honestly that was my biggest struggle was not letting the fireworks dictate what I was going to do for the rest of the evening. The fact also remains that P.T.S.D. can be and is a barrier in relationships because no matter how much I would like things to go smoothly that's not always the case. There were times where the P.T.S.D. would cause me to doubt the relationship or cause me not to trust the other person in this relationship that I was in. I would lie about things that I needed to do or where I wanted to go because I didn't know if I could go without the other person freaking out. It's very challenging and will continue to be a challenge for me.
Wow where did this all come from ?! Holy molly! I didn't think that there would be this much to talk about, but I guess there was! Well another blog down and another beautiful day thanks to our Lord who provides for us and keeps us in His Hand! May God Bless you!
© Nathan Fahlin
The last couple days has made me think about maturity and all the different forms of maturity that there are in my perspective of how I look at things. A good example would be the comments that are made back and forth to my brother who knows me best and how we joke about different things. The reality is that there probably is some emotional maturing that needs to happen when it comes to how I joke with others or how I interact. I'm not afraid to admit that I still need to mature. I also know that in many other ways I'm very mature. Just this past week I ended a 3month relationship that took a lot out of me to actually end the relationship. It was struggle for me honestly and I didn't want do end it, but I knew in my heart that I needed too. I spent time praying and meditating on it for hours if not days, then the conviction came to me that things needed to end. So that's what I did, I ended the relationship and yeah it sucked. Period. End of report.
This relationship pushed me and challenged me in a lot of ways a Christian that I never a relationship would. I know there is a lot to learn from this relationship and how now I know. The reality for me lately has been that I'm a very loyal and faithful person so I'll jump head first without thinking. Therefore moving faster then what's healthy for me. Basically accelerating the pace of the relationship, but that's not the best nor the right thing to do. This will probably be one of the more challenging things that I will have to overcome. Now I'm not saying loyalty and faithfulness are not bad characteristics or traits, they just have to be used correctly. This is me owning up to my mistakes honestly and yeah it sucks, but it's the way it is. I also know that boundaries are a healthy part of relationships too. Yes, I said it boundaries are necessary for a Godly relationship to be healthy and also to stay pure for both person who are involved in the relationship.
I could go on and on about what I've learned, but there is one more thing that I want to talk about which is near and dear to my heart. There is an acronym that takes on a different aspect in relationships which causes my thought process to be dark or causing self pity. P.T.S.D. (Post traumatic stress disorder) probably one of the biggest things that frustrates me. I say it frustrates me because in every aspect of my life this acronym causes different challenges or struggles for me. That's just part of who I am and yes it sucks at times. I had a bear of time watching the fire works this 4th of July. I could hardly sit still because I was constantly watching for the fire works that were being shot off behind me and the fact that I couldn't see them made it worse. I remember thinking and no I'm not going to be politically correct here, "When will this shit just stop?!" Honestly that was my biggest struggle was not letting the fireworks dictate what I was going to do for the rest of the evening. The fact also remains that P.T.S.D. can be and is a barrier in relationships because no matter how much I would like things to go smoothly that's not always the case. There were times where the P.T.S.D. would cause me to doubt the relationship or cause me not to trust the other person in this relationship that I was in. I would lie about things that I needed to do or where I wanted to go because I didn't know if I could go without the other person freaking out. It's very challenging and will continue to be a challenge for me.
Wow where did this all come from ?! Holy molly! I didn't think that there would be this much to talk about, but I guess there was! Well another blog down and another beautiful day thanks to our Lord who provides for us and keeps us in His Hand! May God Bless you!
© Nathan Fahlin
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