Over the past eleven months it's been an interesting journey here in Minneapolis where my time here has been filled with pretty awesome, but yet challenging moments. Since the start of 2014, this year has been filled with obstacles, trials, and challenges along with triggers. There are times where I am still amazed that I'm still here and following the path which God has put before. You see it's not by my strength, but his that I am able to persevere. This is the perseverance which I believe James is eluding to in chapter 1 verses two through four, " Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." What I intend to show and unpack through these verses is what has been exactly has been going on in my life since coming to Minneapolis.
My first semester started without a hitch, had a decent place with my roommate at the time and was close to all my classes so everything was well within walking distance. But one of the first obstacles I hit was on the anniversary to Sept. 11 or 9/11 whatever you wanna refer to it as, I remember waking up hearing ambulance race up the street which just about sent me into an anxiety attack truthfully and just started texting people to pray for me. One thing that I have to remind myself is that for dates for whatever reason seem to trigger the PTSD and even though I wasn't even close to 9/11 the day in happened, the sirens still triggered something within me. This was a minor hiccup and at the time thought nothing of it, but now what I see is the precursor to a very challenging time down here in Minneapolis.
Over the course of the first semester there would be small challenges or trials, like writing my autobiography for a class or failing on of my first exams in another and these are all things that hit me pretty hard on those days, but they pale in comparison to what I was about to face. As the semester came to the end in December I had inadvertently missed a final for one of my class, I called the professor of the class and left a voicemail for him to call me back please. Within 10-15 minutes he had called me back and we had arranged a way for me to make up the final until then I was given an "I" for incomplete. What a blessing that was and the grace that this professor showed me was abnormal if you ask me, but he did so nonetheless.
It was during the winter break between spring and fall classes where everything hit full swing. Right before I was scheduled to go back to school for classes, I needed to fix my four wheel drive and a/c and heat system, but the problem is it was going to cost me $1,700 roughly and thank goodness I had the money for it. Fast forward to a very trying start to the semester and professors who I struggled with all semester, midway through just about I chipped a tooth. One of my molars on the right side cheered clean off leaving a sharp which prevented me of eating on that side and eating enough food. Not long after, I was walking back to campus and it was rather icy out and well guess who slipped on some ice that day and I should of ended up with a broken wrist instead it was a severe sprain. I mean, it looked like there was golf ball under the skin lol! Then as I got home for spring the following week, my transfer case started acting up again and what I mean by this my vehicle wouldn't stay or go into four wheel drive so there went another $400 dollars into repairs. By now it's April and finals are right around the corner, I was preparing to write papers, sermons, and the much needed studying for the finals then the laptop dies on me. My buddy and I spent a good portion of a Saturday trying to revive my laptop, but to no avail.
So this is where the semester ends, but the trials get real and where the metal meets the bone and any other catchy phrase you could insert in here. I ended up deciding to stay in Minneapolis for the summer which was the right decision for me because moving back home at 30 years of age isn't an option anymore. But with that came challenges; looking for work through the summer, going home for Mother's Day to spend with the family, but resolve an issue that started back in early May. A brother's wedding on Memorial Day weekend which was awesome! But this also meant for a good part of June my only income was my disability money from the VA which doesn't last long and that's when the food started to run low. It got to the point where I wasn't sure where my next meal was going to come from and then depression kicked full swing. I was finally hired by a company called Plant Essentials and it was honestly a perfect fit for a summer gig and me. It was during this time where people from my church back in Duluth, MN which gave me some much needed support and continue to do so through prayer. I got to July and made some decisions which in my opinion were right based on my current situations, but it was not easy. Once July started everything seemed to calm down minus fighting the depression and that's when God really started showing me things from my past and stuff that needed to be rooted out of my life. As any person knows rooting out the past is no easy task especially when it's been there for years.
That is the essence of what God had begun in July in my life and let me tell you there was some hard moments and I mean hard, I'm talking about plugging a sucking chest wound hard without the proper equipment to do. For those of you who understand what that is then you'll get how difficult the trails have been. For those of you who do not know what a sucking chest wound is, it's a wound where the person's lung has new hole for air to travel in and out of the chest cavity.
An example was when I wanted to walk away from everything, something set me that day and I went for a walk and spent the time hashing things out with God. Explaining my point of view to him while he listen and as I walked for about an hour or so, slowly making my way back to campus. When I got back to campus and was ready to go back to my apartment and frankly sulk a friend appeared. We exchanged greetings and he asked me how I was doing and well yeah it all came out. So with the all this coming at the end June and continuing through July it made these weeks exceptionally hard, but something along the way changed. That something was putting the past in the past and letting it die off which allowed me to move forward until the 22nd of July. Basically what happened this night was a shooting and there is the possibility of it being gang related which triggered the military training and PTSD. Now it's the Wednesday morning and I'm all sort of messed up and tired from the night before, having a hard time keeping my thoughts straight, but still the struggle is real. At this point I was contemplating just walking away from everything, by everything I mean by faith and it all. In a sense I had been trapped in my own head without very little spiritual support down here till recently. So I have now just started some bi-weekly counseling through a Vet Center to talk about life, transitions, the PTSD triggers, and anything else that comes up right now because it helps.
So that brings me up to today, this is day one of knowing my job is ending on Friday and I'm taking today off to write this blog, but also to spend time with God knowing that these next moments will surely be defining. So at the beginning of this I quoted some scripture from the book of James, now I'm going to show you how these verses correlate to my transition to Minneapolis where I currently reside.
Let's take this verse by verse in hope that you will see what God has been teaching me in these time, starting with James 1:2, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, " Right here James is eluding to something here that realistically is something that every Christian should face during their faith walk, trails of many kinds.
In verse 3 James reveals what he eluded to in verse 2, "because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." Perseverance; anyone who has gone through trails knows all about the perseverance, running a marathon is all about perseverance, it's not a sprint, but 26.2 miles of straight running. Perseverance comes from enduring some of the hardest things that life can throw at you and still get up and push forward after being kicked, beaten, and left for dead at times.
Finally in verse 4 what we see what comes from the perseverance, "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." This is all about character building from start to finish; you see it when James starts off in verse 2 with "Consider it pure joy.." why you ask? Because these moments refine us as Christians and that is exactly what this time in Minneapolis has been doing to me since I've gotten down here and a lot of the times that is what God is doing in our lives is building our character or changing us to look more like his son Jesus. The perseverance is needed to get through this obstacles, trails, and times of testing because without it we are like a runner is who hasn't trained for the race they are running. Then in verse 4 this phrase comes up, "so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" this is a reference to what James talking about how the trails refine us. This is about creating new character in us and how we are to be changed by these events, not in a negative way, but in the image of Christ.
So here I am at the beginning of August with a new day, week, and month in front of me and an ever changing perspective on life. So here I sit typing away and thinking to myself what is next? Not in the mentality of, "Oh great", but knowing that God will truly never leave me nor forsake me and he will always be right there beside me whether it's deep valleys or high mountains, he's there. So whatever you are going through and whatever you are facing today know that he is right there with you. Take care and God Bless!!
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