"The Tattoo"

Well it's been an interesting week and here I am on break from school sitting inside a warm house with the comforts of home all around. The only difference now is that I have a tattoo, yep that's right a tattoo! It's on my right forearm and on the outside so it's easy to show. After sharing briefly about why I got the tattoo, I felt the need to share more of the reasoning behind it.

Yesterday the reaction to my tattoo took me completely by surprise and almost had me in tears truthfully. As I watched in what seemed slow motion to my friends reaction and the expression on their face, I fought to hold it back, the tears, the emotions of much of a story hidden behind the words, the name engraved in my skin in ink. You see there is a story behind this and a story not many people truly know, but it's a story that I'm honored to share yet it's also difficult to talk about because it's not something that I relish in.

You see way back in 2006 in the month of September a conversation took place between two people. Of those two people, only one is here today and the other is in a better place. Those two people were Nicholas Turcotte and myself....during our time spent together we ran missions, did training, and played xbox among various other activities. There are a few conversations between the two of us that I recall like yesterday and not many other people knew that they took place. There was a few different times where we talked about either switching squads which would of put me in 1st and him in 2nd or changing leave dates with each other so he could be home for his wife's birthday.

I remember talking to him right before that fateful mission and just seeing the life in his eyes and now we as members of the platoon carry on his legacy in some way, shape, or form and for me part of that is the "tattoo." I never really understood or thought about what survivor's guilt looked like or how it was expressed through others who could, should, or otherwise died. It wasn't until I sat down with a good friend that I began to realize and understand what I had been feeling since it was Memorial Day weekend. After sitting down with him, he helped me understand how this takes place in our lives as he's a father to a son who's paralyzed from the waist down. The more we talked, the more I saw in my own heart that I wish we could of changed places or something. It was in this conversation where something was realized and there had to be a change.

It was just yesterday when I was talking to a friend about this same topic and we were discussing everything that I just put into this blog. We talked for a while it seemed and even though there are times when I think it should of been, she reminded me that it happened this way for a reason. I'm in no way taking away from his death, but sharing my own conflict inside of me. I hate to say this, but I've come to believe that maybe it was his time and mine wasn't yet to come which is hard to grasp or understand even as a Christian, it's just one of those things you take on faith. You can ask why till you are blue in the face, but you won't know the answer this side of eternity. This is the conflict within me, it's not something that is taken lightly nor brushed away easily. This is the story of the "Tattoo." This does not just belong to me, but to the one whose name I bore on my arm.

New Surroundings and Me

Well I think it's time for a blog post as it's been a while and this semester has quite interesting for me honestly. In all truthfulness it's been a challenge in many ways that I did and did not expect or anticipate. It's taught a lot about myself and what are the challenges that I still face which is good because it shows me that there is much learning left to do. In many ways next semester will be interesting to see how it pans out and how I handle the situations which will arise.

Probably the biggest challenge for me has been the fact that I've not been steady at a single church and it's taken time to find one that still fits what I'm looking for. August into part of September I attended Hope Community and while that was good, it left me looking for something more or maybe that was me. For the rest of September through the entire month of October I would visit other churches in the area, hoping to find what I was looking for. To find a place where I can be me and connect with people. Ugh so much time and effort has gone into this that it's almost like a chore trying to find where you are supposed to be. So this coming Sunday I'm going back to Hope Community to give it another shot as it may very well be the best option and it's very close to campus which is a big bonus.

The second challenge for me is the "christian community" called North Central and the closeness of the campus. This would lead me to feeling claustrophobic at times and prolonged times away from the school and downtown area which was good, but at the same made it tougher for me. I saw this because it really challenged me when I would come back because of the constant noise and the people. I had to teach myself to become okay with being surrounded by noise and people constantly, but I've also needed to take time for me. This meant taking drives away from campus and being around people who I don't see weekly which turns out to be something I like. It allows me to be me and it's healthy to get away from the campus environment.

Oddly enough this challenge for me would have to do with my experiences and where I've been because of the choices which I made when I was younger and truthfully it's another learning process because of the surroundings. PTSD sucks plain and simple. With that said the new circumstances have been interesting to deal with and yeah the flares have been challenge because of the new triggers or triggers which I didn't know about. There is always a certain amount of learning that happens when you are dealing with something like this because you're constantly changing how you handle the triggers, situations, and reactions. So yeah it's like relearning things all over again because of the new environment which you are being thrusted into.

So here I am a week away from my 30th birthday and finally feel like my feet are being planted firmly so I'm very happy with that! It gives me some rigidity to my daily life and if you know me long enough, you know I like routines. So here's to the second half of the semester! Take care and God Bless!!

Love: What Is It

When we talk about love we seem to think that it's all mushy and cute, but the reality is it's not always so and takes a lot of effort, time, and energy. Today I was talking to an older gentleman and we were talking about how young people today love before they are ready, I'm just as guilty of this as anyone. The reality is we have a tendency to love before our time, to try and say that we are ready to love completely and selflessly. I understand that there is there are exceptions to this rule, but that's not what I want to talk about here.

In our culture, society, and everywhere else in our country for the most part even on my college campus from what I can we have a problem with loving before we ready. You see love is beautifully complex and that's the way it's meant to be, it's not something that is easily understood, or can be comprehended by the lack of wisdom both emotionally and from experiences. Because we like to think we know love what is all about, but the truth is we don't have a clue most of us. I know for me it's something that I've tried to figure out myself, but I'm no closer than I was when I first started dating honestly. I don't really know how else to put this or how else to describe what's happening. Our culture breeds something that isn't love at all, it's not even close to what love is. It's based upon getting our needs met and not about meeting the needs of our significant other first, it's pure selfishness. To put in bluntly we need to remove our head from our asses and look at people in our lives who have been married for years, have lived through trials together, and are still married. Then and only then we can begin to understand what love is.

To often we get fixated on what we are being told we should have versus what we should be doing. I know, I know I'm beating a dead horse, but whatever. I want people to learn from my mistakes so they don't repeat the same thing I did in my younger years, to be better then what I was. Please don't ask me what love is because the only definition I'll tell you what true love is, is the love that God showed us while we were still sinner and sent his son to die on the cross for us. That's the best I can do for you, but before we go on thinking we are ready to love we need to ask ourselves, "Am I ready to put someone else first?" Talk to friends, mentors, people who know you before you make mistakes and also know that you will make mistakes so don't beat yourself up. Show yourself grace because in the long run you will need all the grace you can get.

Why We Fight

Being that today is the 20th anniversary of the Battle of Mogadishu or what is commonly known as BlackHawk Down this is a fitting blog topic. There are a lot of questions surrounding this topic for those who do not understand why people go off to war. So hopefully in the time it takes to complete this blog post the readers will have a better idea of what is going through someones mind who joins the military.

For most of us in the military especially the Infantry and other combat arms units along with all the other jobs within the military you will find a varying degrees of why people decided to join the military. But at the core of their heart is something all together special. That is something which cannot be defined by words or comprehended as it is hard wired into the individual. Within their heart is a deep love for their country and what they are leaving behind them and knowing it's worth putting their lives on the line to protect what they have grown to love. You see it's not about what's it front of military, but what's behind them that pushes them forward, that gives them the strength to plunge head first into danger without a second. They fight for a country that they love, a place they call home, for a family that is waiting anxiously for their return. That same family who gets the news that their hero didn't make it, that they died fighting for what they believed in. I can't begin to tell you what's that like or even begin to comprehend something like that.

War is often fought by young men in their prime and give up their best years to give their country their lives in service to her. Not sure how else to explain this truthfully as it's hard to explain to people what it means to sacrifice something for a cause which is bigger then we are. I think truthfully we who have gone and come back realize more so the cost, the reason, and what motivates us when we come home as we have lost brothers and sisters in these cruel conflicts which we fight in. We honor our fallen in a manner that to some is odd by going to their graves and having a beer with them or by talking to them as if they were right there with us. We pour out what is left inside of us and long for something bigger then ourselves a cause of our own. To stand side by side with men who given it their all and are willing to stand toe to toe with the threats that face. To fight for what they love their country, their family, their friends, their freedom.

I know for myself and this is easy to admit, but to walk it out is something all together difficult which is if there was a time and I was still able that I would make a stand for what I believe in. Not for myself, but for my country, my freedoms, and my family. I would rather live one day as a lion then a thousand days as a sheep. To step in and face adversity as I once did with my brothers for a cause greater then I. If that day does not come then so be it, but my warrior spirit does not fade if only for a season as it still burns bright. The focus for today is just different now and my purpose is something greater then myself and something that burns inside of me.

Take care and God Bless!

Sanctification Part 2

The process to become holy, pure, without blemish, to be without fault, to be prefect. These are just some of the words that might come up if you were to look up the word sanctification. For most of us we have different thoughts or opinions on what this process may look and for the most part it's very different at how we go through this process. What I'm going to do is detail what the process looks like for me and how I go through this. There are others who are in my life and God continues to use these individuals in powerful ways.

The reason behind this post is something that has recently taken place in my life and my good friend Tiff helped me shed light on an area that was or very could be problematic if not dealt with swiftly. You see the problem was that there wasn't light being shed on all the areas within me or specific areas which I would allow or not allow. This makes it difficult for a person to be always understand what's going with themselves and why we as disciples of Jesus should always be in community with other followers. What took place over the course of the next 10-15 minutes were the results of me reading and listening to my spirit while Tiff was texting me. What this allowed me to do was look within myself, to be self aware and to see other possible areas that may or may not be an issue later down the road. During the course of the conversation she was able to point out some key flaws in my thinking and using the biblical sources accompanied with the knowledge she has it became very clear to me that there was an issue within me. The problem was pride and unwilling to surrender to God areas of my life where "my judgement was good enough." I was terribly mistaken.

So after we had finished texting it had become apparent that there was need of repentance which came willing after realizing what was going on. As I began to pray and let the Holy Spirit search me, what came forth was shocking to me. Realizing that pride was an issue, not surrendering had crept in, and here I was in the middle of a sticky situation already. Now I'm dealing with my own junk which is far more then enough for myself. "I believe there is something within me that needs to be removed and because of my actions or attitudes something isn't right. The initial thought is that there are still parts which I'm not surrendering to God and holding on my own. Doing my way not his way. Therefore it's a pride issue and maybe arrogance too. The more I reflect the more I see something unhealthy brewing which needs to be rooted out because it has no place. It's the sanctification process being worked out continually. It's that all have sinned and have fallen short and this is me falling short. This is my pride getting in the way of what maybe best for me and what God wants for me. So should I be punished yes, did I break the policy yes. This is thine will vs my will. Ultimately I must surrender to God to continue the work he has for me. To continue to follow his path for my life. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." I was rather appalled by such words coming out and now it makes sense to why I was sensing uneasiness in my spirit. Prior this I had a very similar conversation with two friends which I've made since coming to school. Regardless of how seasoned we are as Christians we always need to remember who we are comparing ourselves to and why it's a relationship not a religion that we have. What a weekend so far! Grateful for the mercies which are new each and everyday!!!

Well that's all for me today people! I hope and pray that you will find some understanding of what the process of sanctification looks like. Take care and God Bless!!

Pain In The Night

Pain In The Night

We go off to war
We fight for our country
We bleed, we break, we die
We ask nothing in return, give freely to oppressed

Left behind our part of who we are
Lost in the battle we are
Nothing replaces the pieces we lost
We pick up our lives, the pieces we've left behind

Gone is the joy, the happiness, gone is our lives
We've sacrificed it all, bodies beaten, torn, and broken we return home
Our families struggle to grasp what we went through
Screams in the night, memories relived, the ugliness of war stays with us.

Saratoga WarHorse Experience: Part 2

As many of you know I recently returned from New York for a short three day trip which allowed me to share with people who've donated their time, money, and energy into a program that uses retired thoroughbred racehorses in a way to help veterans reconnect with life outside the military. The trip was amazing! The hospitality of the men and women who welcomed us into their establishments, into places where it's a little more difficult to get into.

So back in July I had gotten an email from Janelle asking if I would be available to fly out to New York for a few days to share my experience in a few different venues, to spread the word about this amazing program and what takes places when that connection is made. When I refer to the "connection" it's not like we would think, but something deeper inside of the veteran and the thoroughbred they are working with, something is wakening in that moment. There is something mystical about this connection, that spurs emotional healing in the veterans that have participated in this program. That is why we share our experiences about this amazing program and this is why I returned to Saratoga Springs just a week ago. The more we are able to spread word about this program, tell others, to promote the work this program is doing. You see this isn't meant to be kept secret, but to be shared as to help as many veterans possible.

My buddy and I arrived in New York right around 1:30 pm on Sunday afternoon and from there we got some idea of what would be taking place for the rest of the day. We piled into the cars and made our way to the hotel where we would be able to relax for an hour, then make our way to dinner. Dinner was in downtown Saratoga Springs at the Crown Grill and let me say this, "It was amazing!" Everything from the dinner to quality of people we had the pleasure of serving us, heck even the owners came to meet us. Besides the jokes and all the laughter probably the funniest thing came when yours truly ordered a second 8oz Black Angus Steak medium rare.....the waitress came back with it saying the cook was wondering if there was something wrong with the first one they served me. The problem was it wasn't big enough lol!, 8 ounces of pure meat heaven that was and the sauce just brought out the flavor in the meat even more.We had a great time over dinner and all the jokes, laughter, and fun just made the evening more relaxing.The rest of the evening was spent walking around Saratoga and we had a blast. Conversations ranged from taking jabs at each to time spent in the military, tours of duty, and the like.

Monday consisted of something all together special and it was truly enjoyable, from the time the day started and until it ended. We promptly got to the race track around 7:30 am and yours truly didn't find sleep until close to midnight lol! Once we got to the track we walked right up to the track where all the horses were exercising and being right next to them practically. Nothing was spared this trip at all, full treatment was given as it was truly an awesome experience. Seeing the horses in full motion and watching the pure strength, speed, and stamina in the cool morning air was awe inspiring. These animals truly unique in how they are bred for this sport....the power within them they hold, the bond between animal and jockey. After a while we went back to the hotel and crashed for bit before heading back to the race track to watch the races take place later that day. For the short time we spent at the track in the afternoon, it was amazing as we got to see the jockey room where the jockeys prepare before a race, and where they keep the "colors" which are silks for the jockey, horse, and they symbolize who the trainer is. It was kinda of ridiculous because going where we went, you had to be somebody to go there and here we are just a bunch of veterans seeing all these unique places......such a privilege. After a couple races again we headed back to the hotel for some time to relax before the banquet later that night.

Wow....where do I start? The whole purpose of the banquet was to honor our donors, people who have given of their time, money, and effort into the program which makes it possible for veterans like myself go through it. You see as participant of the program there wasn't a single cost hardly attributed to me as they paid for my plane ticket, hotel room, food, and took care of me while I was out there. There is much that happens behind the scenes where we don't truly understand what is going on and so on this day we were honoring those people. The little bit of what I'm going to share about the banquet is one of the coolest things I heard about the time was from the very people we came to honor was, "The level of authenticity which was here, we haven't experienced before." The meaning behind this is that we don't ware masks as veterans, we show the world who we are, we aren't afraid to tell what we feel only when it comes counseling which is a pit fall. Everyone of us told stories of our own, shared our experiences which we had during the program which has continued to impact us and our daily lives. We were blessed by an unexpected late arrival of Anthony Kerns of the Irish Tenners who blessed with two songs, Danny Boy and Amazing Grace. Everything was done right and to the "t."

If you are looking to get involved in supporting a program that actually works and helps our nations veterans then I would encourage you to check our Saratoga WarHorse as the program is proven and the people are real. They are straight up, truthful, and do what they set out to do! They know what works and have something that goes beyond therapy and counseling. There slogan at Saratoga WarHorse:
 
Please I ask of you if you are willing to donate then please do! This program works, it's not fake!
Take care and God bless!!

http://saratogawarhorse.com/