As I was driving to class I noticed something considerably different in thought pattern along with my personality even. For me it started a long time ago and this has festered which has caused me a lot of pain in the past. I saw in the past because as of today the truth is in and the trash is out. As 1 Corinthains 5:17 says, " Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"
I won't drag this out anymore then what it will be and what I want to talk about is the nuts and bolts of this. The lies that are believed that causes an identity theft and secondly the truths that as a christian guy needs to recognize and understand who we are in Christ.
This is a very deeply rooted issues because I've been dealing with it for most of my life and it's only gotten worse after coming back from Iraq. With the talk of an engagement amongst my friends it's made it even harder because I'm going through a hard time right now honestly. After 4 years being I'm just now starting to decompress in many ways that I never did before when I came home. Most of my issues I suppressed them with multiple different things what they are isn't a concern anymore, but after all this time I'm starting to deal with them. With the looming thought of being diagnosed with P.T.S.D., the baggage from Iraq and the fact of going off to war is all painful. In many ways this has been a good season, but it also makes life just overall tougher for me. The more I look deeper inside of myself the more I see the identity theft that has taken place. I know it won't be easy to rid myself of this, but it's the least I can do right now.
So I'll bring you up to where I was when I realized what this truly had become which was about an hour ago as I was driving to class it as I praying like a ton of bricks. I felt the pain in my heart, the tears begin to form, and the longing to be who I am and not something that I'm not. Gosh I hate talking about this stuff...... stuff that I wish I didn't have to deal with, stuff that hurts because I've believed it for far to long. But this is what I get to deal with. Funny thing is I've told plenty of others about the verses that have helped me, but have I truly believed what I've told others now I'm not so sure after today.
The truths are outlined clearly in the bible. That we are treasured, loved, and valued. God's love should be enough, but yet with our insecurities it doesn't always have the effect that it should. This isn't one of the topics that I like talking about, but it needs to come out because I can't keep it in anymore.
© Nathan Fahlin
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Being
Well I'm not really sure what the title is going to be for this one, but what I can tell you as with many of my blog they haven't been easy to write. As of matter of fact they have been flat out tough and so this one will be as well. What this post will consist of will be a variety of what's been happening recently.
Well where to start hmmm Wednesday seems like a good day to pick up and share with what's happening. The day consisted of going the V.A. (Veteran Affairs) for a follow up appointment from some testing that I did during the late summer/ early fall. As I figured out earlier in the fall that the test results were inconclusive therefore only leaving a small window for what I had been dealing with. The symptoms are as such: relentlessness, hyper vigilance, anxiety, and depression. Funny thing is they all point towards P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) and I'm okay with that because after being told by the doctor that I'd seen over at the Superior, WI V.A. (Veteran Affairs) had told me that he thought I was adjusting fine, but I learned something when the topic of P.T.S.D. came back up again in October of this year. When I started making calls to them again I had found out that he had diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder yet never told me or scheduled any follow up appointments. When I learned that my frustration was beyond anything that I had experienced prior to that. Next it will be 4 weeks that I've been seeing a counselor at the local Vet Center and Monday next week marks the start of me seeing a Christian counselor which has been recommended to me by a close friend. So that's where I'm at right now, on the boundary of being diagnosed with the biggest stereotyped mental disorder among veterans returning from combat and I'm okay with that because it's finally being dealt with not being brushed under the rug so to speak.
This next topic is more then just a guy venting about stuff that's going on, it's a guy showing his struggles something that society doesn't like from men, but being a christian calls us to being real, to be in community with one another therefore talking about what's going on in our lives. I apologize right now because I don't know how anyone will react therefore this is kind of a disclaimer. Okay here it is. For a very long time as I grew up I was known as the quiet one, timid, and meek in a sense in some ways it was fine, but in other ways it hurt me more then it helped. The Nathan just about everyone sees today is a very changed person and I believe that's due to a large part of God and the military in regards in how I interact in social settings and friends. Monday my Dad brought up the subject of marriage which has been a constant conversation since this summer and fall. The pressure he puts on me I can handle to a degree, but the truth of the matter is he doesn't listen to anything I tell him. The second part to this is I'm good at being a friend, but right up until the part where you could start a relationship or whatever you want to call it. That's where my timidness comes out and that's where I struggle. That's when the nervousness and any other crap shows it's head. This is the other side of it too. When a woman in the years past takes a notice to me I haven't always had the best image of myself and a lot of times I would ask myself: "Why me ?" or "What does she see in me" and just recently I had a good friend share this with me and this is what he said, " Nathan, any women would be lucky to have you." I'm so grateful for his friendship and what's that meant to me. He's truly been an inspiration of what God can do through the struggles of life. I'm sure there is a ton of scripture that goes along with this, but right now my brain is on overload so this is what I'm gonna do which is call it finished and hope that people see me for who I am not just where I've been or what I've done because there is still a lot of living left to do for this Man of God.
© Nathan Fahlin
Well where to start hmmm Wednesday seems like a good day to pick up and share with what's happening. The day consisted of going the V.A. (Veteran Affairs) for a follow up appointment from some testing that I did during the late summer/ early fall. As I figured out earlier in the fall that the test results were inconclusive therefore only leaving a small window for what I had been dealing with. The symptoms are as such: relentlessness, hyper vigilance, anxiety, and depression. Funny thing is they all point towards P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) and I'm okay with that because after being told by the doctor that I'd seen over at the Superior, WI V.A. (Veteran Affairs) had told me that he thought I was adjusting fine, but I learned something when the topic of P.T.S.D. came back up again in October of this year. When I started making calls to them again I had found out that he had diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder yet never told me or scheduled any follow up appointments. When I learned that my frustration was beyond anything that I had experienced prior to that. Next it will be 4 weeks that I've been seeing a counselor at the local Vet Center and Monday next week marks the start of me seeing a Christian counselor which has been recommended to me by a close friend. So that's where I'm at right now, on the boundary of being diagnosed with the biggest stereotyped mental disorder among veterans returning from combat and I'm okay with that because it's finally being dealt with not being brushed under the rug so to speak.
This next topic is more then just a guy venting about stuff that's going on, it's a guy showing his struggles something that society doesn't like from men, but being a christian calls us to being real, to be in community with one another therefore talking about what's going on in our lives. I apologize right now because I don't know how anyone will react therefore this is kind of a disclaimer. Okay here it is. For a very long time as I grew up I was known as the quiet one, timid, and meek in a sense in some ways it was fine, but in other ways it hurt me more then it helped. The Nathan just about everyone sees today is a very changed person and I believe that's due to a large part of God and the military in regards in how I interact in social settings and friends. Monday my Dad brought up the subject of marriage which has been a constant conversation since this summer and fall. The pressure he puts on me I can handle to a degree, but the truth of the matter is he doesn't listen to anything I tell him. The second part to this is I'm good at being a friend, but right up until the part where you could start a relationship or whatever you want to call it. That's where my timidness comes out and that's where I struggle. That's when the nervousness and any other crap shows it's head. This is the other side of it too. When a woman in the years past takes a notice to me I haven't always had the best image of myself and a lot of times I would ask myself: "Why me ?" or "What does she see in me" and just recently I had a good friend share this with me and this is what he said, " Nathan, any women would be lucky to have you." I'm so grateful for his friendship and what's that meant to me. He's truly been an inspiration of what God can do through the struggles of life. I'm sure there is a ton of scripture that goes along with this, but right now my brain is on overload so this is what I'm gonna do which is call it finished and hope that people see me for who I am not just where I've been or what I've done because there is still a lot of living left to do for this Man of God.
© Nathan Fahlin
Friday, November 4, 2011
Memories
Well as you can imagine with the title being what it is that you got an idea of what's going to be talked about. Here's the truth about something very real and I'm not sure how many people grasp this or even realize that it's there. I wouldn't change anything about what I did during my time in the military, wouldn't trade any of the memories, experiences, and trials.
As I begin to look back at my memories and some of the stuff that I went through I realized how much that's shaped and molded me in so many different ways. Just like life you take the good with the bad, but when you're in a combat zone the bad can seem to out weigh the good which can be very frustrating specifically if that's what you are looking for. Knowing that you served for some high purpose, made a difference somewhere, had an impact.
The past couple weeks have been filled with emotions and feelings that have not been around much along with memories that haven't been looked at in years for some nearly half a decade has gone by without that memory even been touched and now this memory is at the forefront of the thoughts all week long for me. As I was sitting in EMT class last night drawing out this picture of them memory I began to realize that there was no way I could hold on to this memory any longer. Surrender was the only option. I'm not sure how exactly to explain this piece of my memory, but here it is: I just been dropped off by the helicopter that had picked all three of us up after being wounded, before I could even get my bearings I was already on my way getting a Cat scan, after that I was promptly put on a medical bed. Next thing I remember was this medic coming over to me with this utter peace about her and a calmness that just washed over me like a wave of water hitting the rocks. She pulled off pieces of shrapnel off my face, washed the blood off, and bandaged the few wounds that I had. A few days later I was putting my buddies on a helicopter and they were on their way out of country. That night I was messing around on the computer when the same medic who had cleaned me up after being wounded, she found me and asked "How I was doing?" It probably didn't take her long to understand to see that I was pretty crappy. Here I was at a hospital with guys who were all sorts of messed, watching them come and go all day every day I was there just about. We sat down and started to talk, within minutes I'm completely crying my eyes out. This is moment I thought would never end, but it did I finally dried my eyes and went back to my rack (aka bed).
I never thought I'd share those memories with anyone honestly, not because people wouldn't understand, but how could they understand when they have never walked in my shoes......oh how wrong I was. I'm reminded of a song sung by Matthew West and the title is Strong Enough. It's talks about how we don't think we are strong enough to go through the current trials we are facing in our lives. Here's the absolute truth though God never gives us more then we can handle and when our strength starts to falter His strength prevails. There maybe pain in the night, but joy always comes in the morning. Take a look out your window right now and tell me what you are looking you can't find some kind of joy. For me it's simple, every morning I wake up is a blessing from God because as I've said many time I should of died in Iraq, but I'm here. Thank you all for your continued support, prayers and encouragement.
© Nathan Fahlin
As I begin to look back at my memories and some of the stuff that I went through I realized how much that's shaped and molded me in so many different ways. Just like life you take the good with the bad, but when you're in a combat zone the bad can seem to out weigh the good which can be very frustrating specifically if that's what you are looking for. Knowing that you served for some high purpose, made a difference somewhere, had an impact.
The past couple weeks have been filled with emotions and feelings that have not been around much along with memories that haven't been looked at in years for some nearly half a decade has gone by without that memory even been touched and now this memory is at the forefront of the thoughts all week long for me. As I was sitting in EMT class last night drawing out this picture of them memory I began to realize that there was no way I could hold on to this memory any longer. Surrender was the only option. I'm not sure how exactly to explain this piece of my memory, but here it is: I just been dropped off by the helicopter that had picked all three of us up after being wounded, before I could even get my bearings I was already on my way getting a Cat scan, after that I was promptly put on a medical bed. Next thing I remember was this medic coming over to me with this utter peace about her and a calmness that just washed over me like a wave of water hitting the rocks. She pulled off pieces of shrapnel off my face, washed the blood off, and bandaged the few wounds that I had. A few days later I was putting my buddies on a helicopter and they were on their way out of country. That night I was messing around on the computer when the same medic who had cleaned me up after being wounded, she found me and asked "How I was doing?" It probably didn't take her long to understand to see that I was pretty crappy. Here I was at a hospital with guys who were all sorts of messed, watching them come and go all day every day I was there just about. We sat down and started to talk, within minutes I'm completely crying my eyes out. This is moment I thought would never end, but it did I finally dried my eyes and went back to my rack (aka bed).
I never thought I'd share those memories with anyone honestly, not because people wouldn't understand, but how could they understand when they have never walked in my shoes......oh how wrong I was. I'm reminded of a song sung by Matthew West and the title is Strong Enough. It's talks about how we don't think we are strong enough to go through the current trials we are facing in our lives. Here's the absolute truth though God never gives us more then we can handle and when our strength starts to falter His strength prevails. There maybe pain in the night, but joy always comes in the morning. Take a look out your window right now and tell me what you are looking you can't find some kind of joy. For me it's simple, every morning I wake up is a blessing from God because as I've said many time I should of died in Iraq, but I'm here. Thank you all for your continued support, prayers and encouragement.
© Nathan Fahlin
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