Being

Well I'm not really sure what the title is going to be for this one, but what I can tell you as with many of my blog they haven't been easy to write. As of matter of fact they have been flat out tough and so this one will be as well. What this post will consist of will be a variety of what's been happening recently.

Well where to start hmmm Wednesday seems like a good day to pick up and share with what's happening. The day consisted of going the V.A. (Veteran Affairs) for a follow up appointment from some testing that I did during the late summer/ early fall. As I figured out earlier in the fall that the test results were inconclusive therefore only leaving a small window for what I had been dealing with. The symptoms are as such: relentlessness, hyper vigilance, anxiety, and depression. Funny thing is they all point towards P.T.S.D.  (post traumatic stress disorder) and I'm okay with that because after being told by the doctor that I'd seen over at the Superior, WI V.A. (Veteran Affairs) had told me that he thought I was adjusting fine, but I learned something when the topic of P.T.S.D. came back up again in October of this year. When I started making calls to them again I had found out that he had diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder yet never told me or scheduled any follow up appointments. When I learned that my frustration was beyond anything that I had experienced prior to that. Next it will be 4 weeks that I've been seeing a counselor at the local Vet Center and Monday next week marks the start of me seeing a Christian counselor which has been recommended to me by a close friend. So that's where I'm at right now, on the boundary of being diagnosed with the biggest stereotyped mental disorder among veterans returning from combat and I'm okay with that because it's finally being dealt with not being brushed under the rug so to speak.

This next topic is more then just a guy venting about stuff that's going on, it's a guy showing his struggles something that society doesn't like from men, but being a christian calls us to being real, to be in community with one another therefore talking about what's going on in our lives. I apologize right now because I don't know how anyone will react therefore this is kind of a disclaimer. Okay here it is. For a very long time as I grew up I was known as the quiet one, timid, and meek in a sense in some ways it was fine, but in other ways it hurt me more then it helped. The Nathan just about everyone sees today is a very changed person and I believe that's due to a large part of God and the military in regards in how I interact in social settings and friends. Monday my Dad brought up the subject of marriage which has been a constant conversation since this summer and fall. The pressure he puts on me I can handle to a degree, but the truth of the matter is he doesn't listen to anything I tell him. The second part to this is I'm good at being a friend, but right up until the part where you could start a relationship or whatever you want to call it. That's where my timidness comes out and that's where I struggle. That's when the nervousness and any other crap shows it's head. This is the other side of it too. When a woman in the years past takes a notice to me I haven't always had the best image of myself and a lot of times I would ask myself: "Why me ?" or "What does she see in me" and just recently I had a good friend share this with me and this is what he said, " Nathan, any women would be lucky to have you." I'm so grateful for his friendship and what's that meant to me. He's truly been an inspiration of what God can do through the struggles of life. I'm sure there is a ton of scripture that goes along with this, but right now my brain is on overload so this is what I'm gonna do which is call it finished and hope that people see me for who I am not just where I've been or what I've done because there is still a lot of living left to do for this Man of God.

© Nathan Fahlin