Chapter 1: an emptier, fuller life

"Every sin is an attempt to fly from emptiness."
Simon Weil, Gravity and Grace

This chapter starts out with the birth of the author and picture prefect August day, the author describes her own birth in a way that draws you in as the reader. She explains the meaning of her name, but also chimes in about how short it is as well. Ann means "full of grace," and then she goes on talking about what it means to live full of grace. In the coming paragraph reality strikes as the author is about to turn four trauma strikes and she uses a phrase that taunts me, "They say memory jolts awake with trauma's electricity."

This is the year the author turns four and her parents are holding her sister, looking down stunned at what had just happened. She describes what she sees, the scene is a day in November and she is watching the from  the kitchen window as her parents are holding the body of her baby sister in a quilt, rocking back and forth. The police come and begin to their work, reports are filled out. There is a lot of pain and agony for the family and the author, as she describes it as a burning sensation.

The truck driver explains that he never saw her, against the weight of the trucks load there was only death, blood covering the ground. The author depicts the unthinkable and the accident which occurred and how her mother continues on to nurse the families fourth child, yet witness the death of their third child. The author continues to talk about her memories of the death of her sister who wasn't very old.She recounts the lose of her sister and how her parents deal with her death, at one point she asks her dad while stroking his hair after a long day in the field about church, the accident, and finally about believing in God. His reply was simple, it wasn't important anymore and that if there was a God, he wasn't there the day the accident happened.

She recounts the creation story and how that affects us today, we doubt God's goodness and what he really has for us, and that it's better than anything we could ever find or give to ourselves. She continues to talk about Satan and how he desire for power, glory, and the sheer desire for more of everything drove him to tempt and deceive Eve in the garden which perverted God's plan for mankind. This affected man kind as we no longer trusted God, believed that he was good, and that God has good things for us.

In the final eight pages something happens, a transition in the story takes place, the author in now grown up and a family of her own. She is standing with her brother in law on a January night, it's New Year's Day and the words sink in hard and fast. John(the brother in law) tells the author that they just lost their second child just eighteen months after their first to the same genetic disease that they lost their first child too. The boy lived five months compared to the four months of the first child, his parents rejoiced that they got to share Christmas with this child, and that he lived longer. It was very humbling for the author. This quote gripped me, "You know..." John's voice breaks into my memory and his gaze lingers, then turns again toward the waving wheat field. "Well, even with our boys...I don't know why that all happened." He shrugs again..."But do I have to?...Who knows?....."

"My Thoughts"
While reading this chapter of this book, I was left unsure of what I was thinking, feeling, or even thought normal for a person to go through in their life. I recounted some of my experiences which have left me questioning God's goodness, his plans for my life, and at times why I was spared or how I walked away from such events in my life. One of the first close calls that I had came on highway 35 heading north, we were coming home from a trip to the south and there was four lanes of traffic heading north and south, then off on the right side of the road a buck makes a mad dash across all the north bound lanes of traffic and here I am sitting in the front seat next to my dad. As we near, I'm sure we are going to hit the deer, but at the last second he jumps over the front end of our families 1991 Suburban and I'm in shock. I'm at this point hyper ventilating from the event. In a single bound the animal was gone, never saw what happened to the deer; just about had to peal myself off the seat after that, my mom got me breathing regularly again. Wow. There are no words to describe something like that at such a young age.

It's hard to understand experiences that alter a persons life and when it leaves you questioning and asking "Why?" you know that you may never have the answers. There have been a lot of times where I've wondered why, but I may never know that answer on this earth and may never know why. This book took me by surprise right away with the rawness of the wording and description the author used to convey how she felt during these experiences. She really does a good job to make you feel apart of the story which in a way helps you understand what she is going through with her family.

The title of the chapter is really interesting as well, because it's a conundrum in the sense that it doesn't make sense logically. An emptier, fuller life, how does that make sense? It's doesn't logically, but when you put your faith in God and his son Jesus Christ you are literally emptied of yourself and filled with God's spirit. It's something that takes place as quickly as we let it, I say this because we have the ability to limit God's ability to change us into what he's created us to be. This title reminds about dying to the flesh, so that we may live by the spirit and find fulfillment in Jesus. Allowing God to give us the good gifts he so desires to give his children.

This book isn't for the faint of heart or feeble minded as it challenges you from the beginning and continues to do so throughout the entire first chapter and I expect it to do so till the very end. I say this not as a warning, but as a note of compassion as the situations described in this book will leave you unsure or asking why did that happen, but you see we all have experiences that we ask or we are unsure about. But at times you may want to question God or ask what was the purpose behind letting that happen, but alas we will never know. So far this is an awesome book and I look forward to reading it.

Thanks and God bless!!

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

I heard about this book through a friend and something about it taunted, dared me to read it and on Tuesday this week while talking to my friend Deb who recommended it, I purchased it. From the cover there isn't much that would intrigue me besides the title. Without much hesitation I dived right in this morning read the first chapter and wow..............she writes in such a style and manner that is powerful, riveting, and passionate.

My intent is to start a blog series that talks about a summary of the chapter and then dialoguing my thoughts or what came to mind after reading the chapter. This is a new adventure for me doing a blog series based on a book and I look forward to it.

"A dare to live fully right where you are."

Personality Tests

In the recent weeks after taking a couple personality tests and looking inwardly at my personality in comparison to the results of these tests it's apparent that there needs to be some tweaking in how I manage my time. Specifically time around people because as someone who tittering on the edge of ISTJ and ISFJ, the introverted person I am requires significant time away from people to recharge. This Wednesday I spent a solid five hours at local sporting goods store in Rogers, MN without any timelines I was able to do something which I enjoy.

The reason I'm writing this is because this is something that we as people are always keenly aware of or wonder why others aren't engaging in activities. For the most part I enjoy being an introvert, I find that there is a lot of positives in that I am an introvert, but there are times when it's absolutely challenging because of the P.T.S.D. Let me explain, with P.T.S.D. there comes isolation so when you pair that with introverts it's extremely difficult to know when you are isolating yourself or when you need time away to recharge. In my early years after coming back from Iraq this was a constant struggle for me as I tended to pull away, but slowly I began to engage again learning how to see the signs of isolation.

When I started writing this I thought it would be a lot easier than this, but it's actually quite challenging talking about ones personality and how it's plays into their daily lives. The three consistent traits in my personality are I,S, and J. The I being introverted, S for sensing which means I take in everything in a room, very observant, and Judging:Decisive, prefer clear rules and guidelines, eager to commit, see deadlines as sacred, seek closure. Now the difference is the T and F. Thinking for T is defined by thinker, tough, follow their minds, suppress feelings, focus on objectivity and rationality. Feeling: Sensitive, follow their hearts, keep feelings close to the surface, focus on harmony and cooperation. 

For me it's literally splitting hairs, that's the difference between being an ISTJ or ISFJ because at times I can be very judging or use feeling to understand people, situations, or use them in conjunction. I think what confuses people the most is that do not understand or know the personality type they are, this is something that I would recommend personally. In the coming weeks there are some very relevant changes I will be making to help maintain a balance life. 

A side note for me, I hear everything so to much sound brings on sensory overload which drives me nuts, this is one of the most challenging things about living in the city. It's annoying as all get out and so combat it, I get away from the city. Hope you have enjoyed reading this. Take care and God Bless!!

Hacking: Christianity

So it's a new year and here we all are getting ready for new adventures this year whatever that maybe. Oddly enough I'm finishing up a viewing of Les Miserables again and listening to the music, the songs, and the theme that I find within the movie. I would love to read the book sometime in the future, but there are other things that which have my attention currently.

However something has sparked great interest within me after watching a 13 year old boy talk about schooling and the advantages of homeschooling or in his words, "hackschooling." This is something that he describes intimately in his video which I will link and you really should watch as there is a lot of good information in the video. 

After watching this video my brain began to think about what is going on with our Christianity and how can we show people something new, but not take away anything from the Bible. You see people all around our country are becoming bored with Christianity so it's with a simple question that I asked, "Why?" Why is this happening? Why are people leaving the best thing we could ever ask for? So the term "hacking" comes in because it's a word that we would typically use with computers, but in truth we need to hack American Christianity and let it become something that is truth, that excites people, that shows just what Christianity is all about, the power in that relationship with Christ. In a sense it's a reformation, but please don't look to me because I'm a simple person who likes to ask hard questions because it challenges me to look deeper. To look at the root of the issue is to understand why people are walking away.

In my humble and honest opinion I do truly believe that if people who become bored with their faith, their relationship, and all that is Christianity than we as the church are failing them to a degree. But the other part of the issue is that their relationship might very well be stagnate which means they are not growing. So how do we show people a life full of Christ that excites, that burns with passion, and energy that changed our lives into something new and completely exciting. 

So why aren't we as a church not seeing the changes we want in our communities, in our sphere of influences, and within our families? Maybe just maybe they see something that bores them or something that is a waste of time. So what is happening within us? Why do we lack that passion, that motivation, and that desire to live our lives for Christ and not ourselves. You see there is truly something that is missing if you ask me because Christianity isn't boring or a time waste, it's something that is powerful and life altering. My testimony is an alteration of my life and how God has changed my life into something bigger than myself. It's a constant struggle dying to oneself and how we have to be constantly vigilant and fervent in prayer, in seeking God's counsel, and being guided in the Holy Spirit.

So let me ask you this: Is your relationship dead, dying, or growing cold? What's changed? How can we as Christians and as the Church help each other stay dedicated to Christ? Are we losing our desire, our willingness, or the passion to follow Christ?

I know my struggles so I would recommend you figure out yours. Take care and God Bless!!

December: Seven Years & Counting

I often wonder at times why everything happened that I went through and experienced during my time in Iraq and than I remember everything good that's come from my rough past. The people, the friends, the relationships and everything under the sun. It's funny even now the memories are still just like yesterday and yes there has been a lot of healing that has taken place since those events, but with the recent addition of the tattoo, it's brought different things to light. It's just another piece of the puzzle and another step to take. Letting the old die and the new come.

This December is different than all the others and it's not that I'm alone or away at school, it's that I've never been at this point in my life where I'm confident in who I am, what I'm supposed to be doing, and where I'm being lead. In all honesty this is very exciting for me truthfully and yet there is still much to process with everything. Not that there is more questions to be answered, but because it's time to let the past be the past. Please understand that it does not define me as to who I am today yet it serves as a reminder of the places I've traveled.

It's difficult to explain, to share what happens inside a person after going through traumatic experiences and how the effects a person. I know well enough the person I am and who God is calling me to be and where he is leading me, but it's another task to stop asking why and be satisfied with not knowing as to continuing to press on in Christ Jesus. Today as I was talking with a friend and he posed a question which was, "Why do we keep asking why?" It took me a little off guard I must admit and then his response totally fit the question which was asked. After listening to my heart and to my spirit, here I am typing away.

Why do we continue to ask why? Is there some hidden meaning or purpose behind why we continue to ask for those of us who've been through traumatic experiences or experiences in our lives that people shouldn't have to go through, but do anyways. Honestly what I have found in my life is that the less I ask, "Why, " the more contentment is found because I stop questioning why everything happened and use what I've been given. I didn't ask for these experiences, but there are what they are and you can't change the past, but what you can do is trust that God will use those experiences to shape your life in a way that is indescribable. Romans 8:28 talks about this almost perfectly as Paul explains to the reader that regardless of what we as believers have been through can be used for our good by God because we love him. I'm not using exact translation, but a rough verbage to show what God does for those who love him. It's time to let the past be the past and stop living as if it was yesterday and putting one foot forward, trusting that God will guide us on a path of righteousness for his name sake.

Wow....that was an interesting post! I really hope you get something out of what is being written and I pray that God can use these words to affect your life as he's affected mine! This is my heart, my passion, and my love to help others who are walking through tough times as I've had. To give hope and a future to those who are weary as this is what Christ has given me. So I offer that to you if you don't believe in Christ. To put your faith in a man who died 2000 years ago for your sins and on that cross he died and after being in the grave for three days he rose again. This is the power of the cross, as Christ redeems our lives and transforms us into something completely new! Because, "We are a new creation in Christ; the old is gone and the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17.

Take care and God bless!!!

"The Tattoo"

Well it's been an interesting week and here I am on break from school sitting inside a warm house with the comforts of home all around. The only difference now is that I have a tattoo, yep that's right a tattoo! It's on my right forearm and on the outside so it's easy to show. After sharing briefly about why I got the tattoo, I felt the need to share more of the reasoning behind it.

Yesterday the reaction to my tattoo took me completely by surprise and almost had me in tears truthfully. As I watched in what seemed slow motion to my friends reaction and the expression on their face, I fought to hold it back, the tears, the emotions of much of a story hidden behind the words, the name engraved in my skin in ink. You see there is a story behind this and a story not many people truly know, but it's a story that I'm honored to share yet it's also difficult to talk about because it's not something that I relish in.

You see way back in 2006 in the month of September a conversation took place between two people. Of those two people, only one is here today and the other is in a better place. Those two people were Nicholas Turcotte and myself....during our time spent together we ran missions, did training, and played xbox among various other activities. There are a few conversations between the two of us that I recall like yesterday and not many other people knew that they took place. There was a few different times where we talked about either switching squads which would of put me in 1st and him in 2nd or changing leave dates with each other so he could be home for his wife's birthday.

I remember talking to him right before that fateful mission and just seeing the life in his eyes and now we as members of the platoon carry on his legacy in some way, shape, or form and for me part of that is the "tattoo." I never really understood or thought about what survivor's guilt looked like or how it was expressed through others who could, should, or otherwise died. It wasn't until I sat down with a good friend that I began to realize and understand what I had been feeling since it was Memorial Day weekend. After sitting down with him, he helped me understand how this takes place in our lives as he's a father to a son who's paralyzed from the waist down. The more we talked, the more I saw in my own heart that I wish we could of changed places or something. It was in this conversation where something was realized and there had to be a change.

It was just yesterday when I was talking to a friend about this same topic and we were discussing everything that I just put into this blog. We talked for a while it seemed and even though there are times when I think it should of been, she reminded me that it happened this way for a reason. I'm in no way taking away from his death, but sharing my own conflict inside of me. I hate to say this, but I've come to believe that maybe it was his time and mine wasn't yet to come which is hard to grasp or understand even as a Christian, it's just one of those things you take on faith. You can ask why till you are blue in the face, but you won't know the answer this side of eternity. This is the conflict within me, it's not something that is taken lightly nor brushed away easily. This is the story of the "Tattoo." This does not just belong to me, but to the one whose name I bore on my arm.

New Surroundings and Me

Well I think it's time for a blog post as it's been a while and this semester has quite interesting for me honestly. In all truthfulness it's been a challenge in many ways that I did and did not expect or anticipate. It's taught a lot about myself and what are the challenges that I still face which is good because it shows me that there is much learning left to do. In many ways next semester will be interesting to see how it pans out and how I handle the situations which will arise.

Probably the biggest challenge for me has been the fact that I've not been steady at a single church and it's taken time to find one that still fits what I'm looking for. August into part of September I attended Hope Community and while that was good, it left me looking for something more or maybe that was me. For the rest of September through the entire month of October I would visit other churches in the area, hoping to find what I was looking for. To find a place where I can be me and connect with people. Ugh so much time and effort has gone into this that it's almost like a chore trying to find where you are supposed to be. So this coming Sunday I'm going back to Hope Community to give it another shot as it may very well be the best option and it's very close to campus which is a big bonus.

The second challenge for me is the "christian community" called North Central and the closeness of the campus. This would lead me to feeling claustrophobic at times and prolonged times away from the school and downtown area which was good, but at the same made it tougher for me. I saw this because it really challenged me when I would come back because of the constant noise and the people. I had to teach myself to become okay with being surrounded by noise and people constantly, but I've also needed to take time for me. This meant taking drives away from campus and being around people who I don't see weekly which turns out to be something I like. It allows me to be me and it's healthy to get away from the campus environment.

Oddly enough this challenge for me would have to do with my experiences and where I've been because of the choices which I made when I was younger and truthfully it's another learning process because of the surroundings. PTSD sucks plain and simple. With that said the new circumstances have been interesting to deal with and yeah the flares have been challenge because of the new triggers or triggers which I didn't know about. There is always a certain amount of learning that happens when you are dealing with something like this because you're constantly changing how you handle the triggers, situations, and reactions. So yeah it's like relearning things all over again because of the new environment which you are being thrusted into.

So here I am a week away from my 30th birthday and finally feel like my feet are being planted firmly so I'm very happy with that! It gives me some rigidity to my daily life and if you know me long enough, you know I like routines. So here's to the second half of the semester! Take care and God Bless!!