Chapter 1: an emptier, fuller life

"Every sin is an attempt to fly from emptiness."
Simon Weil, Gravity and Grace

This chapter starts out with the birth of the author and picture prefect August day, the author describes her own birth in a way that draws you in as the reader. She explains the meaning of her name, but also chimes in about how short it is as well. Ann means "full of grace," and then she goes on talking about what it means to live full of grace. In the coming paragraph reality strikes as the author is about to turn four trauma strikes and she uses a phrase that taunts me, "They say memory jolts awake with trauma's electricity."

This is the year the author turns four and her parents are holding her sister, looking down stunned at what had just happened. She describes what she sees, the scene is a day in November and she is watching the from  the kitchen window as her parents are holding the body of her baby sister in a quilt, rocking back and forth. The police come and begin to their work, reports are filled out. There is a lot of pain and agony for the family and the author, as she describes it as a burning sensation.

The truck driver explains that he never saw her, against the weight of the trucks load there was only death, blood covering the ground. The author depicts the unthinkable and the accident which occurred and how her mother continues on to nurse the families fourth child, yet witness the death of their third child. The author continues to talk about her memories of the death of her sister who wasn't very old.She recounts the lose of her sister and how her parents deal with her death, at one point she asks her dad while stroking his hair after a long day in the field about church, the accident, and finally about believing in God. His reply was simple, it wasn't important anymore and that if there was a God, he wasn't there the day the accident happened.

She recounts the creation story and how that affects us today, we doubt God's goodness and what he really has for us, and that it's better than anything we could ever find or give to ourselves. She continues to talk about Satan and how he desire for power, glory, and the sheer desire for more of everything drove him to tempt and deceive Eve in the garden which perverted God's plan for mankind. This affected man kind as we no longer trusted God, believed that he was good, and that God has good things for us.

In the final eight pages something happens, a transition in the story takes place, the author in now grown up and a family of her own. She is standing with her brother in law on a January night, it's New Year's Day and the words sink in hard and fast. John(the brother in law) tells the author that they just lost their second child just eighteen months after their first to the same genetic disease that they lost their first child too. The boy lived five months compared to the four months of the first child, his parents rejoiced that they got to share Christmas with this child, and that he lived longer. It was very humbling for the author. This quote gripped me, "You know..." John's voice breaks into my memory and his gaze lingers, then turns again toward the waving wheat field. "Well, even with our boys...I don't know why that all happened." He shrugs again..."But do I have to?...Who knows?....."

"My Thoughts"
While reading this chapter of this book, I was left unsure of what I was thinking, feeling, or even thought normal for a person to go through in their life. I recounted some of my experiences which have left me questioning God's goodness, his plans for my life, and at times why I was spared or how I walked away from such events in my life. One of the first close calls that I had came on highway 35 heading north, we were coming home from a trip to the south and there was four lanes of traffic heading north and south, then off on the right side of the road a buck makes a mad dash across all the north bound lanes of traffic and here I am sitting in the front seat next to my dad. As we near, I'm sure we are going to hit the deer, but at the last second he jumps over the front end of our families 1991 Suburban and I'm in shock. I'm at this point hyper ventilating from the event. In a single bound the animal was gone, never saw what happened to the deer; just about had to peal myself off the seat after that, my mom got me breathing regularly again. Wow. There are no words to describe something like that at such a young age.

It's hard to understand experiences that alter a persons life and when it leaves you questioning and asking "Why?" you know that you may never have the answers. There have been a lot of times where I've wondered why, but I may never know that answer on this earth and may never know why. This book took me by surprise right away with the rawness of the wording and description the author used to convey how she felt during these experiences. She really does a good job to make you feel apart of the story which in a way helps you understand what she is going through with her family.

The title of the chapter is really interesting as well, because it's a conundrum in the sense that it doesn't make sense logically. An emptier, fuller life, how does that make sense? It's doesn't logically, but when you put your faith in God and his son Jesus Christ you are literally emptied of yourself and filled with God's spirit. It's something that takes place as quickly as we let it, I say this because we have the ability to limit God's ability to change us into what he's created us to be. This title reminds about dying to the flesh, so that we may live by the spirit and find fulfillment in Jesus. Allowing God to give us the good gifts he so desires to give his children.

This book isn't for the faint of heart or feeble minded as it challenges you from the beginning and continues to do so throughout the entire first chapter and I expect it to do so till the very end. I say this not as a warning, but as a note of compassion as the situations described in this book will leave you unsure or asking why did that happen, but you see we all have experiences that we ask or we are unsure about. But at times you may want to question God or ask what was the purpose behind letting that happen, but alas we will never know. So far this is an awesome book and I look forward to reading it.

Thanks and God bless!!