When I read this chapter of the book it was really quite startling at some points and the honesty of the author gripped me to the point where I couldn't stop reading, but I've dedicated a chapter a day except today.
From the beginning with the nightmare and how this dream had affected her and what she recalls from it really lets you know that she understands what she is talking about....how she recalls the feels when she hears the dreaded "C" word. Cancer. It taunts her and the doctor tells her in the nightmare and has been consumer her even while she had birthed six beautiful babies.
The thought of dying young taunts her in such a way that she begins to think and wonder if there is something she is missing, she comes to the conclusion that she wants to live, to fully live. She recalls how it all started with the pain of her distraught mother at the psychiatric hospital aching for the baby she lost which bled through the blankets.
The author begins to tell how for years all she wanted was to die after waking up, life was a nightmare. She wasn't content with life and the life she was living, wrestling with self-hatred and the responsibilities of being a parents. It hits the author that she really wants to live.
The end comes for us, she says and how it will come with or without a doctor's warning, that's the reality of life. She continues about with her daily routine, but while doing this she realizes how this nightmare has rattled her, now she something must be done, but what is that...
She continues to seek after what it means to live fully and what it means, the author dives deep into her relationship with God. She presses in, searching for words or anything that will help her discover. She checks her email and is struck with an email from a mother who's seventeen year old son was just diagnosed with cancer, there are no words to comfort her.
In the coming pages of this chapter, the author dives head first into finding her answer, searching the New and Old Testament, along with Greek words in search, but in the end she still doesn't have the answer. She realizes that in the end, "Does she really want to be saved?" A word stands out from the Greek, "Eucharisteo."
While reading this chapter and having been there myself at times trying to find the meaning of living fully and what that means for me and even now I'm in that season of my life, the author's words penetrate into my heart. The wanting of a full life, a life fully lived and not just going through the daily routine, but one that is making an impact. For me this especially hard right as there are many different things happening in my life. This semester has challenged me to be thankful and my understanding of thanksgiving has been challenged as well.
Through this semester I've had financial issues from vehicle issues, to a badly sprained wrist, and a chipped tooth on top of a very tough semester of college with classes that are challenging me. Information at time that overwhelms me and now here I am a little over half way through the semester, unsure of how this semester will turn out and trying to remain thankful. Having joy in my life has been increasingly tough and my comprehension of grace has grown dramatically through this semester.
This chapter is something else, because it forces the reader into someones life and what they are struggling with and frankly it's what I have been struggling with for a while now. I cannot not continue to remark on how much this book is just pinging me with where I am at right now. It's crazy because it's written in a style which I enjoy, but as a reader it continually draws me in. In some way the more I read the book it's as if it's ministering to me and my needs, I know it's sound weird or awkward, but until you read the book then don't judge it.
It's very challenging knowing that they are times when I do not know what will happen or how this semester or the rest of my life will play out, but still the call is to be thankful, filled with thanksgiving, grace, and joy. For the joy of the Lord is your strength, Nehemiah 8:10, For it is by grace through faith that you have saved, not by works so that no one can boast Ephesians 2:8-9, and finally Give thanks in all circumstance; for that is God's will for you in Christ Jesus 1 Thessalonians 5:18.
Take care and God bless!!!
I don't think it's weird or odd that the book have made it feel like it's ministering to your need or to help you through. I do believe that God have direct many people to write books that will help other who also struggle in the same way and to help them better connect in a way that no one else can. I'm very glad that the book is helping you. I'll be praying for you as you go through life that God is leading you. I know that God have great plan for you and will provide a way for you all through your life. I really enjoy reading what you have learn through the book and to see your insight in it. God bless you, Nathan!
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