" One act of thanksgiving, when things go wrong with us, is worth a thousand thanks when things are agreeable to our inclinations."
Saint John of Avila
It's July and the flag which the Ann's mom bought her is flapping in the wind, it's early morning and she's watering the flowers. The watering can empties, she peers over the porch to watch the bees pollinate, a hummingbird darts from lip to lip of the flowers and the author holds her breath. In a moment everything changes as the words it her hard, "Levi's hand went through a fan at the barn." Knees weak, she runs across the drive way barefoot, eyes shot white.
Levi is howling in pain, the strength of each fan blade hitting his hand and fingers could of severed his hand and fingers, but that wasn't the case. He still had a hand and all his fingers, three hours later they are home from the ER, she opens the doors for their oldest child, seven years old. He's up bad, but only the index finger is broke, he has to see the surgeon, but his hand is intact.
"God's grace" The author's mother pats her should gently and she feels her relief. Ann guides Levi into the house, a slippery question climbs up the author, nearly rattling her tongue loose, but she refuses to open her mouth. And what is his hand had been right sheared off? What of God's grace then? She wonders if she can ask that question.
Ann readies a place for Levi after all the tears and waiting in the ER, he is weary, she comforts him as she strokes his head. She recalls what she heard on the radio on the way, a thirteen year old farm boy was killed, the death was ruled accidental. Her thoughts turn to what his mother must be feeling, how her heart must be fractured.
She glances down at her gratitude journal and remembers how gratitude is daily practice and a discipline we constantly need to put into place. She glances down the list and counts her blessings, the mystery of unlocking joy. "Come early winter, I jotted haltingly, not wanting it to end," then she writes her one thousandth gift, carefully chosen. 1000. Resurrection bloom, an amaryllis, a gift a year in the coming. Her mother in law had given her these the year before, they were kept on the windowsill in the kitchen. Cancer had taken her mother in law, her bulb trumpeted a call: Fully live! Live fully!
My Thoughts
This beginning of the chapter are going to be focused on the beginning as it hit me the hardest simply because of this semester has shaped up and through various events in my life that have left me wondering, "What of God's grace then?" This has been something which at times struggled to understand as to why and now this chapter of this book is the prefect place to maybe share my thoughts on this.
When you have the experiences that I do, have asked the questions which I have, you begin to wonder why did all this happen? You ask, "Why? Where was God? What was the reason that this happened? These were a lot of the questions which I asked right after I had gotten blown up, they are questions which still don't have answers to this day. There are certain things one could say that maybe could fill the answers to my questions.
The reality is none of them fill the answer perfectly or put into words why I went through what I did and then to ask, "Where is the grace of God?" Maybe his grace was saving the lift of my teammates and mine as well. Maybe God's grace is what protected me in the midst of that fifteen month hell. Maybe God's grace is yet to be made perfect in my life? I do not know, but there are more questions still than there are answers.
My only choice really is to remain thankful, a task that is not easy nor lite in what that it entails. A good friend of mine coined the phrase, "Attitude of gratitude." To be grateful for what we've been given and not get selfish or negative in our attitudes. This is a daily struggle at times because our lives have so much going on in them at times and we would like everything to go our way, but that's not always the case truthfully and if anyone tells you otherwise they are lying to you.
God's grace is there for us when we don't deserve it, are not sure why these events in our life have happened. There will and maybe always be questions that we don't have answers for, but one thing we have to to look forward to is Heaven. When we are standing there face to face with Jesus nothing else will matter.
Take care and God bless!!
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