Faith and Belief

Let’s talk about faith and belief. It’s been a long year from 2018 to 2019 and where life is now for me, but with that journey comes growth, new relationships, and a better understanding of who I am. 

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.” 

Hebrews 11:1-2

Just recently there was a sermon where the pastor talked very poignantly on faith and belief, how they are synonymous with our trust in God. At the end of the message I found myself writing down personal questions, questions which challenged my belief, faith, and trust in God. 

Because until recently my life had become a one man rodeo. If anything was going to get done, it was me who was going to do it. Let me spell it out for ya. B a c h e l o r. That spells bachelor. It means there is no one but me to get things done or so I tried. What that doesn’t imply that my relationship is only when deemed necessary. But that’s what had happened. There was a series of events which started the snowball down this path and that was a year ago or so. 

I slowly pushed God out of my decisions, my troubles which I “knew” I could handle, and slowly it became hey we talk in the morning and yeah the music is on during the car rides. But something was missing. My faith and belief. Everything was done alone and by me. From that sermon two weeks ago, there was a podcast Monday this week which drove the point home. My battles have been and were being fought on my own strength or by my will. 

There has been a lot to process this week, lot of slow and steady changes that will be taking place. Slowly, but intentionally asking and inviting God back into areas of my which I pushed him out. It’s a process which can’t and shouldn’t be rushed, we probably would rush the process if we chose to however that’s not really good for us. Enjoy the process and understand that there is good things which come from the process and how it grows/matured us as believers. 

Let me speak to the less seasoned Christians or new believers for a minute. When we turn our lives over to Christ and repent from our former lives, during those first months its imperative to invite God unto every aspect of your life. Thereby submitting to his authority and will for your life, by doing so we partner with God and take on his perspective of how we should make decisions or handle situations, relationships, and everything else in our lives. It’s easy to ask God into our lives, but surrendering and letting him be Lord is a bit more difficult. Give yourself some grace, patience, and find a friend who can help you on this journey. 

Through this time, there has been an awakening in my faith, I’m willing to trust and believe God will help through my situations and struggles. Whereas before my general attitude, “Okay, God I got this one. Or hey, I could use a little help here. Then going back to doing it on my own.” It’s humbling because I cannot do this on my own and I need him with me every step of the way. 

I had lost a lot of faith and belief that God would be there for me, I had forgotten what he had done before. So as you can imagine my trust was gone or almost gone. Completely or very close to being self reliant. So when I quoted Hebrews 11:1-2, it’s to remind us that regardless how bleak our situation or circumstances may look, God is always there with an open hand waiting for us to reach out to him. With a willing and open heart he accepts us back with all our faults. The ancients were men and women of great faith. They held tightly to their faith, so should we.  

In closing, please do not protest any longer and open up yourself to God and let him be welcomed in your life. It’s well worth it. He’s a good and gracious God who loves us very much. May the peace and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ guide you. 

Take care and God Bless!

Ramblings

There’s something we need to talk about, this obsession with marriage. I have no idea where it came from or why it’s hear in my life but it’s there. It’s been there since going away to college, that last Art In Me and conversation with Kami. From there it’s been gnawing, biting, hacking at my every thought. Even the days I’m busy doing work or fishing, it’s there. Studies have said guys think about sex more than women, is this me thinking about sex? The way others think about sex and the way I think about marriage seem very similar. So what’s the next step? This isn’t straight forward at all, but let’s take it from the top. 

God is first always. 

Family-parents, nephews, brothers n sisters, nieces too. 

Friends there are like family too

Coworker and acquaintances 

And somewhere in there is me. Lord this has been one rats nest. Like when I’m fishing and going to make a cast then line goes every which direction then the lure only makes it a quarter of the distance intended. Help me untangle this mess. Like you did this afternoon. I made that cast and it just went anywhere but the intended direction. I love you God. I owe everything I have to you. Please help me untangle this mess in my mind. Thanks for always being there God. For never changing and always being the constant. 

Tired.

Ya know I need to hear that but it’s the last thing I want to hear.

I’ve forgone happiness in this season, I’d much rather settle for contentment. Happiness says things will change, but right now the things I want to change aren’t coming. The change that is happening is within me, which is quite good however tiresome in the way of going over and over the issues which arise. Yet the hardest part is, that I’m in a job that I believe there is a time period I’m there for which is a job I do not care for. What’s harder is that the joy which I do have is rooted in my faith and everything feels rocky right now.

I am tired. Tired of life. Tired of people wishing well, but throwing daggers. Tired of hearing, “nice guys finish last.” Tired of society, tired of the hate. I’m content to eek out a living in this season with hope not happiness things will change in time. In the meantime I have forgone the thought of marriage or a family of my own. It’s hard being around my friends who are truthfully. In some small part there is a desire to walk away from all that holds me to this place in life. I’m not talking death, I’m talking long distance move and leaving everything from the past behind.

“I’m Done”

I’m done. Don’t ask what it means, but what matters is how it affects me and my life. 

Look there comes a point and time in a person’s like where a line in the sand must be drawn. That is this point. I’m not going anywhere or moving(not yet at least), but what is being said is this: no longer will I follow silly wayward ideals or standards. It’s been a long journey this past year, there have been times where I literally said, “This is it, find someone else.” Yes-that’s my conversation with God. This must be how the disciples felt at times one must wonder or how those closest to Christ reacted in difficulty, but yet somehow their faith was restored and they pushed on. 

Now for me-I’m in a period of growing and in a place where one does not care to be for various reasons. But I must remember that in those rocky times they will only last for a period. 

A week ago Sunday, I was in Duluth at a church that poured out its life into me, sitting there Sunday morning with new and familiar faces around me listening to a sermon that pierced the depth of me. I could hear God saying to me-“Go, get prayer.” It was needed. Restoring the faith in ways that one could not do on their own. For the coming days, there was a steady reminder of God’s goodness and faithfulness. Even on Facebook, there were hints, inklings of something which needed to be pursued. 

Now a week behind me, life is brighter. Is it easier? Heck no! If anything, it’s just as challenging as before yet there is this semblance of peace which remains. For that I’m grateful. Do others see a difference? I’m not sure, however eventually they will I think. So to sum up what I’m trying to say is, it’s not easy to walk a life that doesn’t follow norms and being grateful is important because we need that joy and hope in difficult times. 

Take care and God Bless!  

“Am I Ever Going to Get Married”

First off, let me say not being in college is great and I’m loving being graduated. I have an apartment in Osseo, MN not far from work and it’s slowly being furnished/put together. Honestly this is something that has been good, my own space filled me and my own crap. Not having to deal with roommates or noisy traffic has been great. 

However the question people love to ask me is, “Dating anyone? Got a woman in your life?” Then there are those who jokingly poke, prod, and ask me if I’m dating, to those I role my eyes at or make remarks based upon age, relationship, and friendship but most of the time I just laugh. My life doesn’t fit the mold for what Americans think of a young man and that’s fine by me. 

Is there changes which need to occur? Yes. Will they happen? Only if I discipline myself will they. But truthfully in my life there have been moments which I’ve hurried and where missed opportunities smack of pride. In my younger years I was in such a hurry to do x,y,&z that there are missed moments. One area in my life was getting married, so I flailed away in angst getting no where. So much that I’ve missed moments, but something happened in my last year of college which showed me more about myself. 

That one simple thing was how much I enjoy sharing life with people regardless of age, gender, or interests. You see in the late fall 2016 semester I embarked on a journey because of a dare by a friend. Not the stupid dares you see or hear of, but to go out of my realm of comfort. He has given a great performance in a theatrical titled The Secret Garden, you see I’m known by my peers because of my life and the scenes I laugh at. There was a play coming up and he put me up to the challenge of auditioning, me no experience nothing. Sure what’s the worst? They say no? Okay. Welp, then we meet mister bronchitis. Yeah that sums up that audition. Then there was the student led One Acts, where students would lead/direct and help recreate a small portion of a massive play. The play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, me I was King Claudius, oh what a sight. We practiced for weeks, preparing and memorizing lines, cast changes and all for recreating a play. But it wasn’t the play itself, it was being around the people. The night of the play, we are doing last minute checks, then we are milling about in the seats which the very spectators will be watching from. It’s here you find a small band of students huddled around talking, we get on the topic of friends. Being me and sometimes sharing to much, I openly talk about friendships and how to determine who’s healthy for you as a person. Immediately I reference Madea as the in the Tyler Parry show, and from here everyone is grasped. Full attention. Questions arise. It was in this moment where I realized how much I love people. Not in the sense of the attention, but their earnestness to learn or to hear from someone who has experienced more or simply to hear from someone else. I wish I’d gotten a picture of everyone, because the group ranged from your typical theater majors to a big goofy guy who’s seen way to many war movies lol! 

You see it’s not that I don’t want to get married, it’s that I want to be around people who care deeply for others, that spend their days living out the cause of the Gospel more than anything else. If that means I forfeit my right to marry simply because not being married allows me to rub shoulders with people who I  may otherwise not then so be it. I know there will be people who will read this and think, “You’re crazy or this dude is off his rocker,” but you know what to do what I’ve done in my life you have to be a little off center. 

You don’t sign up for the Infantry at age 19 knowing you could be killed and not be a little crazy. It’s decisions like these which have guided my life. Listen friends, if there is a woman out and I believe there who God has for me then great, but I’m not going to live my life as if she will never come or we will never meet. I believe when the time is right it will happen, that’s Gods timing not mine. 

I love the idea of sharing my life with a person, traveling, having a family, pursuing God and sharing the Gospel. But here’s the catch, it’s all or nothing. If God were to tell me to sell my things and go become a missionary in a third world country where Christians are persecuted because of their faith I would. It would be hard, but that’s the price I’m willing to pay, formed in word and thought nearly 7 years ago. 

So if you’re wondering when that special person will come along, stop it. Stop waiting and start living your life. Your life doesn’t begin when you’re married, it begins when you realize it’s waiting for you before your very eyes. I cannot say that I’ve learned to be content in all things because I’m not, but I’m striving toward that goal daily. 

Our culture will judge a persons life bun how full it is, if they are married, kids, job, but God looks at our lives differently. So stop playing the waiting game and grab life by the horns and run with where it takes you. Please do not waste time wondering when will he or she come into your life, it’s pointless. 

Have a good night and God willin’ see ya next week. Take care and God bless!

Diagnosis: PTSD

"Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again..." 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkXV1GPPR9I

That's how it feels when blogging or talking about PTSD or whatever people wanna call it. I've given up trying to figure out what or how to explain this thing that happens when men and women come back from war. However today is a little different than most of my blogs, it's gonna be a bit more in depth from my perspective.

You see back when I was in college at Lake Superior College in Duluth, there was this disconnect with not only peers because of my experiences (that's a given), but learning was becoming more challenging and the short term memory was struggling a little bit more than normal. So in of my many appointments during 2011 I made appointments for some cognitive testing to see if something was missing because of the concussion. I remember the drive down, peaceful and beautiful summer day. There wasn't anything special or overtly off in my presentation or my attitude. Getting down and finding my way through the VA hospital was not really hard and the testing was your standard as much as I remember now. 

Driving home was like any other drive back from Minneapolis, blue skies, music, and lots of road to burn with plenty of window time to enjoy every moment. Getting home, seeing my parents and answering questions was par for the course anytime coming back from the VA. I wouldn't find out the results for a few days, maybe a week and during the time there was just time being taken up by life and family. Those days were so peaceful, moments which needed to be savored because the time I have now is faster paced and it's gone faster than on can believe.

A couple days passed and there was a phone call for me, it was my test results from the VA and the person on the other end was calm, polite, and soft spoken. They explained that all the cognitive stuff was fine, but there was something else which had been a suspicion of mine for sometime. PTSD. Every connotation about this acronym is negative just about. There is hardly anything good that comes from this unless you have a drive about you that pushes the boundaries of life. For me, that was figuring out what and where my purpose in life was.

The conversation was short, to the point, but yet reassuring because in a way there was this relief of knowing what was happening or why things were the way they were in classrooms, taking tests, or anything else that required academic thought. For a moment it was like a breath of fresh air, finally knowing what this was and this being "PTSD."

I remember seeing my friends at church and people asking how did things go with the cognitive testing, it was odd talking about it yet it gave me relief in the time before I would actually start counseling. That was fine by me at this point. I can see most of what took place in those conversations, but this is something which hasn't even been talked about in years. So one day while working at my job I penned this title and thus breathed life into this blog. Not knowing where or how it would all turn out, now that is out there it's whatever. There is something oddly strange about talking such a moment in time where you feel like you're on the edge of a knife, wondering when or where you'll fall off either side. Sometimes we need to fall in order to understand who we are and what we are capable of.

Well that's all for now. I hope you have a good day and enjoy the time with family or friends or both. Take care and God Bless!!

New Year: Grace

Well it's 2017 and this is the last semester for my degree which means graduation is four short months and that means a lot of life changes. Like most college students facing graduation my goal is to find work and a place to lay my head at night for post-graduation life. Trying to grasp what life will look like yet still having enough faith to say, "Okay God thy will be done," that is my life right now. The other challenges are getting through this semester which ultimately will be one of the more challenging semesters for me because of class load along with Senior Project and Internship which adds up to 18 credits.

 There are far more unknowns in my life right now than knowns which for a guy who struggles with control and comfort is annoying to say the least; it's been difficult knowing where the direction will take me. I think surrender is a lot harder in a sense than we understand from the human perspective because of the reality which is our condition. Humbling in the matter which we find ourselves struggling because life doesn't turn out the way we want or because the hand we were dealt, however that is life. One thing I've found out is just because we get a raw deal in life doesn't mean that there isn't hope for our life can be.

I'm a guy with a past which includes dark times, trying to come to grip with where I've been and the obstacles which have been in my life. Many people may jump to my military service, however this goes back to before the Army. I'm talking about my educational years starting in elementary school all the way till high school. That being said one goal this year is to show myself a little more grace, the same grace I show my friends or people in general. It's difficult because typically I'm harder on myself than anyone else and after everything in life it's hard to take that step forward.


Ugh...

What am I doing??

 Unfortunately, my life is the life which I've been dealt, I could whine and cry about how life's not fair or I could surrender myself before God, pray asking him to help me. Sometimes the very weight of our past makes it almost impossible for us to move forward in life, yet the reality of which is Christ there is far more freedom, grace, understanding, love, hope, and faith. The greatest of these is love, love for God, Christ, what he has created, and probably most importantly ourselves.

With that I leave with this quote from the short movie, The Butterfly Circus.

Mr. Mendeaz, “The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph!”