Tired, like butter scrapped...

Not sure exactly when this started, but the last few months have left me feeling empty and completely depleted. As Biblo Baggings describes to Gandalf, "Like butter that's been scrapped over to much bread," that is exactly the feeling I have this January and there is a yearning for some serious honest rest. Rest that isn't luxury related, but rest that comes from taking care of yourself. One might guess that self-care is the topic and you would not be far from the mark and as I sit here typing this out it comes to mind for sure. Far to many mornings where I wake up exhausted. Far to many evenings that all I wanna do is sleep, but find myself starring at the ceiling waiting for sleep to take me. Some of my close friends would suggest a healthier diet and regular exercise, they would not be wrong, however there is bigger piece here than self-care. There seems to be a struggle spiritually and it's not that my faith is lost or wavering, but constantly feeling tapped all the time regardless of how much time is taken for myself, devotional, and spiritual health. There just doesn't seem like there is enough hours in a day and regardless of what is done there is always more that needs my attention. I hear sayings, "Don't leave for tomorrow what can be done today." But honestly, I am one person and you think, "How much is there to do for one person?" Not a lot and that is arguably a true statement in and of itself. Maybe I am not relying on God for the things I should and that might be something to seriously take a look at. Usually my thoughts are a little more coherent, but this feels more rambling than from my normal stuff. Something needs to change or there won't be much left of me. Sitting here starring at my computer, it's easy to let me thoughts go and take me places, but in my spirit there is something stirring. Something yearning. I do not know what it is, but that is what I do know. I hope all who read this are finding their stride going into 2020 and no it's not a new decade people. It's election year too. Please be respectful of others in this time, don't just run others over because of what you feel. Also pray our leadership, we need prayer in our country, for our leaders that we elect, and for each other. Be kind to yourself, your neighbor, and spend time with those you love. Take care and God Bless!

Frustrated Christian

Man-talking about tough, not swinging between fear and aggression. It’s been difficult. Fear usually comes in the mornings and aggression in the afternoons. Talk about humbling, the only thing that helps is running to God and asking for help. I’ve been granted many of nice compliments and they are probably true, but what all my friends don’t see or realize is the internal battle. I’ve chosen to live alone, it’s easier a LOT easier than to live with someone. My college roommate proved that to me. Now there is another person in my life and that requires dying to myself. It’s like a snake shedding its skin or a bird molting feathers from immature to mature. Difficult process, but in the end worth it. People want good things for me, but in the end I just want comfort and stability. Surrender of the life that once was. Dying to the self of selfishness. Reliant on a force we cannot see, but dependent on. That’s my week. So ready for the weekend.  

Writing and Life

For a while blogging was and has been an outlet for me, tonight this is more of a forced than something which has been mauled over in the brain for days if not weeks on end. Maybe it has been just not in the way that my other topics have been, I've loved blogging and sharing my thoughts however lately it's something that's taken a backseat to life. I rarely sit down and find myself thinking, "Hey, that's something I should write about or this is a deep personal experience that others may find helpful." Now my brain is rapid fire, with quick thoughts so here's to slowing down a bit and writing more. It's always been therapeutic for me, I enjoy it probably more than I express.

It's now August 18th @ 10:13pm, just finished a most eloquent movie about the life of JRR Tolkien, the most engaging pieces were after the war and his experiences were something that connected me. I'm sitting here in my apartment thinking about the previous week and the coming week as it's late on Sunday, knowing what lies ahead this road will be a bit challenging for me and I do not know the outcome. It's a difficult road filled with unknowns and turns that are foreboding at times, but then there is this hope that allows for hope when all else fades. Like dawn creeping over the trees and hills after an ugly storm that destroys, uproots, and pillages communities. There is a hopefulness and it's not of my own making.

My heart is heavy. I am working on becoming a better version of me, but there's an unexpected turn that was taken a few months ago which has brought me into the most peculiar of circumstances in the very best of ways. I will not say more.

Writing, blogging, or journaling has been more therapeutic since my return to home, something which helped me to express emotions and feelings at times while not being tormented by them, call it emotional agility if you will. Our emotions are neither good nor bad, they are them, they offer insights into our world and as we project them we show others what is going on inside of us. Recently, there's been a pattern of returning to the basics in my life, by this being diligent in the little things and understanding the importance of the disciplines in work, life, faith, and even fishing along with my other hobbies.

So now I bid thee goodnight and I shall rise to go through the routine of life, to be diligent in the little things to honor the teachings and my God. To let go of the past, to move forward in life, and to take the next hill. There are battles to be won, then there are battles to lost, and battles which we were never meant to fight. Thank God we have one who intercedes on our behalf, gives us a grace that is not wimpy or cheapened, but one that is full life and forgiving. Remember God is in control, He is sovereign over all things. Hope, the desire and belief things will change. Hope. Such a simple word with massive implications. Thank you God who can do immeasurably more, who allows us to hope beyond hope.

Thank you friends, family, and loved ones for your support and encouragement throughout my life.

Goodnight and God Bless!

Faith and Belief

Let’s talk about faith and belief. It’s been a long year from 2018 to 2019 and where life is now for me, but with that journey comes growth, new relationships, and a better understanding of who I am. 

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.” 

Hebrews 11:1-2

Just recently there was a sermon where the pastor talked very poignantly on faith and belief, how they are synonymous with our trust in God. At the end of the message I found myself writing down personal questions, questions which challenged my belief, faith, and trust in God. 

Because until recently my life had become a one man rodeo. If anything was going to get done, it was me who was going to do it. Let me spell it out for ya. B a c h e l o r. That spells bachelor. It means there is no one but me to get things done or so I tried. What that doesn’t imply that my relationship is only when deemed necessary. But that’s what had happened. There was a series of events which started the snowball down this path and that was a year ago or so. 

I slowly pushed God out of my decisions, my troubles which I “knew” I could handle, and slowly it became hey we talk in the morning and yeah the music is on during the car rides. But something was missing. My faith and belief. Everything was done alone and by me. From that sermon two weeks ago, there was a podcast Monday this week which drove the point home. My battles have been and were being fought on my own strength or by my will. 

There has been a lot to process this week, lot of slow and steady changes that will be taking place. Slowly, but intentionally asking and inviting God back into areas of my which I pushed him out. It’s a process which can’t and shouldn’t be rushed, we probably would rush the process if we chose to however that’s not really good for us. Enjoy the process and understand that there is good things which come from the process and how it grows/matured us as believers. 

Let me speak to the less seasoned Christians or new believers for a minute. When we turn our lives over to Christ and repent from our former lives, during those first months its imperative to invite God unto every aspect of your life. Thereby submitting to his authority and will for your life, by doing so we partner with God and take on his perspective of how we should make decisions or handle situations, relationships, and everything else in our lives. It’s easy to ask God into our lives, but surrendering and letting him be Lord is a bit more difficult. Give yourself some grace, patience, and find a friend who can help you on this journey. 

Through this time, there has been an awakening in my faith, I’m willing to trust and believe God will help through my situations and struggles. Whereas before my general attitude, “Okay, God I got this one. Or hey, I could use a little help here. Then going back to doing it on my own.” It’s humbling because I cannot do this on my own and I need him with me every step of the way. 

I had lost a lot of faith and belief that God would be there for me, I had forgotten what he had done before. So as you can imagine my trust was gone or almost gone. Completely or very close to being self reliant. So when I quoted Hebrews 11:1-2, it’s to remind us that regardless how bleak our situation or circumstances may look, God is always there with an open hand waiting for us to reach out to him. With a willing and open heart he accepts us back with all our faults. The ancients were men and women of great faith. They held tightly to their faith, so should we.  

In closing, please do not protest any longer and open up yourself to God and let him be welcomed in your life. It’s well worth it. He’s a good and gracious God who loves us very much. May the peace and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ guide you. 

Take care and God Bless!

Ramblings

There’s something we need to talk about, this obsession with marriage. I have no idea where it came from or why it’s hear in my life but it’s there. It’s been there since going away to college, that last Art In Me and conversation with Kami. From there it’s been gnawing, biting, hacking at my every thought. Even the days I’m busy doing work or fishing, it’s there. Studies have said guys think about sex more than women, is this me thinking about sex? The way others think about sex and the way I think about marriage seem very similar. So what’s the next step? This isn’t straight forward at all, but let’s take it from the top. 

God is first always. 

Family-parents, nephews, brothers n sisters, nieces too. 

Friends there are like family too

Coworker and acquaintances 

And somewhere in there is me. Lord this has been one rats nest. Like when I’m fishing and going to make a cast then line goes every which direction then the lure only makes it a quarter of the distance intended. Help me untangle this mess. Like you did this afternoon. I made that cast and it just went anywhere but the intended direction. I love you God. I owe everything I have to you. Please help me untangle this mess in my mind. Thanks for always being there God. For never changing and always being the constant. 

Tired.

Ya know I need to hear that but it’s the last thing I want to hear.

I’ve forgone happiness in this season, I’d much rather settle for contentment. Happiness says things will change, but right now the things I want to change aren’t coming. The change that is happening is within me, which is quite good however tiresome in the way of going over and over the issues which arise. Yet the hardest part is, that I’m in a job that I believe there is a time period I’m there for which is a job I do not care for. What’s harder is that the joy which I do have is rooted in my faith and everything feels rocky right now.

I am tired. Tired of life. Tired of people wishing well, but throwing daggers. Tired of hearing, “nice guys finish last.” Tired of society, tired of the hate. I’m content to eek out a living in this season with hope not happiness things will change in time. In the meantime I have forgone the thought of marriage or a family of my own. It’s hard being around my friends who are truthfully. In some small part there is a desire to walk away from all that holds me to this place in life. I’m not talking death, I’m talking long distance move and leaving everything from the past behind.

“I’m Done”

I’m done. Don’t ask what it means, but what matters is how it affects me and my life. 

Look there comes a point and time in a person’s like where a line in the sand must be drawn. That is this point. I’m not going anywhere or moving(not yet at least), but what is being said is this: no longer will I follow silly wayward ideals or standards. It’s been a long journey this past year, there have been times where I literally said, “This is it, find someone else.” Yes-that’s my conversation with God. This must be how the disciples felt at times one must wonder or how those closest to Christ reacted in difficulty, but yet somehow their faith was restored and they pushed on. 

Now for me-I’m in a period of growing and in a place where one does not care to be for various reasons. But I must remember that in those rocky times they will only last for a period. 

A week ago Sunday, I was in Duluth at a church that poured out its life into me, sitting there Sunday morning with new and familiar faces around me listening to a sermon that pierced the depth of me. I could hear God saying to me-“Go, get prayer.” It was needed. Restoring the faith in ways that one could not do on their own. For the coming days, there was a steady reminder of God’s goodness and faithfulness. Even on Facebook, there were hints, inklings of something which needed to be pursued. 

Now a week behind me, life is brighter. Is it easier? Heck no! If anything, it’s just as challenging as before yet there is this semblance of peace which remains. For that I’m grateful. Do others see a difference? I’m not sure, however eventually they will I think. So to sum up what I’m trying to say is, it’s not easy to walk a life that doesn’t follow norms and being grateful is important because we need that joy and hope in difficult times. 

Take care and God Bless!  

“Am I Ever Going to Get Married”

First off, let me say not being in college is great and I’m loving being graduated. I have an apartment in Osseo, MN not far from work and it’s slowly being furnished/put together. Honestly this is something that has been good, my own space filled me and my own crap. Not having to deal with roommates or noisy traffic has been great. 

However the question people love to ask me is, “Dating anyone? Got a woman in your life?” Then there are those who jokingly poke, prod, and ask me if I’m dating, to those I role my eyes at or make remarks based upon age, relationship, and friendship but most of the time I just laugh. My life doesn’t fit the mold for what Americans think of a young man and that’s fine by me. 

Is there changes which need to occur? Yes. Will they happen? Only if I discipline myself will they. But truthfully in my life there have been moments which I’ve hurried and where missed opportunities smack of pride. In my younger years I was in such a hurry to do x,y,&z that there are missed moments. One area in my life was getting married, so I flailed away in angst getting no where. So much that I’ve missed moments, but something happened in my last year of college which showed me more about myself. 

That one simple thing was how much I enjoy sharing life with people regardless of age, gender, or interests. You see in the late fall 2016 semester I embarked on a journey because of a dare by a friend. Not the stupid dares you see or hear of, but to go out of my realm of comfort. He has given a great performance in a theatrical titled The Secret Garden, you see I’m known by my peers because of my life and the scenes I laugh at. There was a play coming up and he put me up to the challenge of auditioning, me no experience nothing. Sure what’s the worst? They say no? Okay. Welp, then we meet mister bronchitis. Yeah that sums up that audition. Then there was the student led One Acts, where students would lead/direct and help recreate a small portion of a massive play. The play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, me I was King Claudius, oh what a sight. We practiced for weeks, preparing and memorizing lines, cast changes and all for recreating a play. But it wasn’t the play itself, it was being around the people. The night of the play, we are doing last minute checks, then we are milling about in the seats which the very spectators will be watching from. It’s here you find a small band of students huddled around talking, we get on the topic of friends. Being me and sometimes sharing to much, I openly talk about friendships and how to determine who’s healthy for you as a person. Immediately I reference Madea as the in the Tyler Parry show, and from here everyone is grasped. Full attention. Questions arise. It was in this moment where I realized how much I love people. Not in the sense of the attention, but their earnestness to learn or to hear from someone who has experienced more or simply to hear from someone else. I wish I’d gotten a picture of everyone, because the group ranged from your typical theater majors to a big goofy guy who’s seen way to many war movies lol! 

You see it’s not that I don’t want to get married, it’s that I want to be around people who care deeply for others, that spend their days living out the cause of the Gospel more than anything else. If that means I forfeit my right to marry simply because not being married allows me to rub shoulders with people who I  may otherwise not then so be it. I know there will be people who will read this and think, “You’re crazy or this dude is off his rocker,” but you know what to do what I’ve done in my life you have to be a little off center. 

You don’t sign up for the Infantry at age 19 knowing you could be killed and not be a little crazy. It’s decisions like these which have guided my life. Listen friends, if there is a woman out and I believe there who God has for me then great, but I’m not going to live my life as if she will never come or we will never meet. I believe when the time is right it will happen, that’s Gods timing not mine. 

I love the idea of sharing my life with a person, traveling, having a family, pursuing God and sharing the Gospel. But here’s the catch, it’s all or nothing. If God were to tell me to sell my things and go become a missionary in a third world country where Christians are persecuted because of their faith I would. It would be hard, but that’s the price I’m willing to pay, formed in word and thought nearly 7 years ago. 

So if you’re wondering when that special person will come along, stop it. Stop waiting and start living your life. Your life doesn’t begin when you’re married, it begins when you realize it’s waiting for you before your very eyes. I cannot say that I’ve learned to be content in all things because I’m not, but I’m striving toward that goal daily. 

Our culture will judge a persons life bun how full it is, if they are married, kids, job, but God looks at our lives differently. So stop playing the waiting game and grab life by the horns and run with where it takes you. Please do not waste time wondering when will he or she come into your life, it’s pointless. 

Have a good night and God willin’ see ya next week. Take care and God bless!

Diagnosis: PTSD

"Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again..." 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkXV1GPPR9I

That's how it feels when blogging or talking about PTSD or whatever people wanna call it. I've given up trying to figure out what or how to explain this thing that happens when men and women come back from war. However today is a little different than most of my blogs, it's gonna be a bit more in depth from my perspective.

You see back when I was in college at Lake Superior College in Duluth, there was this disconnect with not only peers because of my experiences (that's a given), but learning was becoming more challenging and the short term memory was struggling a little bit more than normal. So in of my many appointments during 2011 I made appointments for some cognitive testing to see if something was missing because of the concussion. I remember the drive down, peaceful and beautiful summer day. There wasn't anything special or overtly off in my presentation or my attitude. Getting down and finding my way through the VA hospital was not really hard and the testing was your standard as much as I remember now. 

Driving home was like any other drive back from Minneapolis, blue skies, music, and lots of road to burn with plenty of window time to enjoy every moment. Getting home, seeing my parents and answering questions was par for the course anytime coming back from the VA. I wouldn't find out the results for a few days, maybe a week and during the time there was just time being taken up by life and family. Those days were so peaceful, moments which needed to be savored because the time I have now is faster paced and it's gone faster than on can believe.

A couple days passed and there was a phone call for me, it was my test results from the VA and the person on the other end was calm, polite, and soft spoken. They explained that all the cognitive stuff was fine, but there was something else which had been a suspicion of mine for sometime. PTSD. Every connotation about this acronym is negative just about. There is hardly anything good that comes from this unless you have a drive about you that pushes the boundaries of life. For me, that was figuring out what and where my purpose in life was.

The conversation was short, to the point, but yet reassuring because in a way there was this relief of knowing what was happening or why things were the way they were in classrooms, taking tests, or anything else that required academic thought. For a moment it was like a breath of fresh air, finally knowing what this was and this being "PTSD."

I remember seeing my friends at church and people asking how did things go with the cognitive testing, it was odd talking about it yet it gave me relief in the time before I would actually start counseling. That was fine by me at this point. I can see most of what took place in those conversations, but this is something which hasn't even been talked about in years. So one day while working at my job I penned this title and thus breathed life into this blog. Not knowing where or how it would all turn out, now that is out there it's whatever. There is something oddly strange about talking such a moment in time where you feel like you're on the edge of a knife, wondering when or where you'll fall off either side. Sometimes we need to fall in order to understand who we are and what we are capable of.

Well that's all for now. I hope you have a good day and enjoy the time with family or friends or both. Take care and God Bless!!

New Year: Grace

Well it's 2017 and this is the last semester for my degree which means graduation is four short months and that means a lot of life changes. Like most college students facing graduation my goal is to find work and a place to lay my head at night for post-graduation life. Trying to grasp what life will look like yet still having enough faith to say, "Okay God thy will be done," that is my life right now. The other challenges are getting through this semester which ultimately will be one of the more challenging semesters for me because of class load along with Senior Project and Internship which adds up to 18 credits.

 There are far more unknowns in my life right now than knowns which for a guy who struggles with control and comfort is annoying to say the least; it's been difficult knowing where the direction will take me. I think surrender is a lot harder in a sense than we understand from the human perspective because of the reality which is our condition. Humbling in the matter which we find ourselves struggling because life doesn't turn out the way we want or because the hand we were dealt, however that is life. One thing I've found out is just because we get a raw deal in life doesn't mean that there isn't hope for our life can be.

I'm a guy with a past which includes dark times, trying to come to grip with where I've been and the obstacles which have been in my life. Many people may jump to my military service, however this goes back to before the Army. I'm talking about my educational years starting in elementary school all the way till high school. That being said one goal this year is to show myself a little more grace, the same grace I show my friends or people in general. It's difficult because typically I'm harder on myself than anyone else and after everything in life it's hard to take that step forward.


Ugh...

What am I doing??

 Unfortunately, my life is the life which I've been dealt, I could whine and cry about how life's not fair or I could surrender myself before God, pray asking him to help me. Sometimes the very weight of our past makes it almost impossible for us to move forward in life, yet the reality of which is Christ there is far more freedom, grace, understanding, love, hope, and faith. The greatest of these is love, love for God, Christ, what he has created, and probably most importantly ourselves.

With that I leave with this quote from the short movie, The Butterfly Circus.

Mr. Mendeaz, “The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph!”

Mornings After 13 Years

Thirteen years ago, I was waking up to recruits running around the barracks getting ready for the day. Morning PT(physical training) was a constant every day in our lives, however there was always this strange odor in the mornings. This morning as I'm walking out my apartment door today a familiar odor taunted my memory as I breathed out the air from my apartment into a crisp fall air.

During this short memory, I can hear the faint sound of feet hitting the ground in time, Drill Sargent's yelling out cadences, soldiers making their way through the morning routine of PT. We could count on this everyday while in basic training to Advanced Infantry Training because we were all Infantry. AIT (advanced individual training) for me lasted four weeks or so, lots of field training and honing our craft. In many ways I love the idea of morning routines including exercising, quiet time, and devotional time. These are things that are intentionally worked into morning schedules if possible.

It's crazy because I remember guys from my time, they stand out more so than those high school memories or friends who were never really there. Their faces are etched in my mind, just like the men who I went to war. We spent from October 2003 till February 2004 together, learning and honing our skills, hours daily spent practicing our craft that if we should ever deploy outlives would depend upon. There are practical things which may seem funny or odd to people who have never been in the military. These things people may never know unless they know the craft, the trade, and to the extent which we have developed our skills.

It's November so there's that, there is more emotion tied up in the next two months than the rest of the year for me. It's like the damn elephant sitting in the room which everyone is tiring to avoid talking about. It's the month of "Thank you for your service" statements and "the free food for one day" however this is not why we did it. We did it for the men and women who may never come home, for those who are still fighting battles, battling their demons, and those who have lost. We raise a toast to our dead, we joke about times past, and live like nothing can keep us back. We are blunt, we are honest to a fault, if you ask what we're thinking just prepare yourself lol!

After all these years these memories still hold on just by simply walking out the door of my apartment and breathing in the air.

Communicating Sucks

Simple title, but it is the truth. Communicating sucks and it is never easy to say to someone else what is bothering you or that when there is long breaks in communication that doesn't help in friendship. However the reality of this, there will always be breaks in communication and people may never truly tell you what is going on within the context of the situation. In my opinion explaining what is happening though is maturity, telling someone that when they break in communicating with you that bothers you. This requires maturity on both sides, but more so when it comes to the individual who feels that the lack of communication is hurting them. While a person may say one thing yet does not communicate later it can still hurt the other party because what they perceive and what they desire. It's not easy for me with handling long breaks in communication and for me anything longer than eighteen hours is difficult, do not ask me why this just seems to be my threshold.

The longer the break in communication the more difficult it becomes and the more doubt creeps in which becomes increasingly challenging for me to clear my head and focus. Gosh this is frustrating. People who don't know me as well may see this as self-destructing behavior however it is something deeper than that. The value that my friendships hold to me may not be what others would understand, every friendship has a special place and value for me yet if these are not communicated it damages the other person and myself. For some people the way communication works for me may seem a bit over the top or too much. This is challenging as everything that has taken place within the context of my life yet not pointing back at the past and justifying why this is how I communicate, but also going forward and learning how to communicate effectively and efficiently while maintaining friendships and relationships.

Sooooooo how do we move forward in this? Well first it comes to recognizing where we have been and understanding why we have certain tendencies with communicating and other areas of our lives, next it figuring out how to change our way of communicating and how we respond when there is breaks in communication, and lastly put this into action. Be mature when communicating and knowing how to respond acting accordingly when there is challenges with friends. This is painful to write because it shows me areas in my life where there is room for improvement and how to a better person, handling relationships better with all types of people, and knowing how they communicate.

It never ceases to amaze at how God uses different times in our lives to grow us and it just so happens he is using relationships with friends to mature me, making me a better person and a better Christian. Forgive me as I am still human and sometimes there are false expectations placed on others which should not be there by demanding that they talk to me. Ugh. Forgive me Lord. I pray this helps others who struggle with communicating, those who don't know me well you now have a better understanding of my method of communication.

Take care and God Bless!

Unknowns and Me

In the past two months or so it seems there have been several different times when it seems like there are variables beyond my control which influence decisions that will be made in my future, so much that it seems maddening because when one is laid down another jumps up and takes its place. I cannot describe what this has been like besides just short of being in Iraq again, it is the only thing that comes close to what this semester has been. For lack of a better term "Rollercoaster" and an emotional one at that. A lot of my good friends lately have been commenting on my ability to persevere or that I have a strong spirit or I'm stronger than I think I am which is appreciated. What they don't see is when I'm alone in my apartment filled with pent up frustrations because of life and the circumstances which are being thrusted upon me, or when like today waking up at 4am an unable to fall back to sleep. If you know me well enough then you know how much of a struggle it is for me when there are unknown variables, it has become an ever increasing challenge as of late and frankly I wonder in pure amazement how I am still here standing upright.

Nothing seems to go as planned, that is about the only thing right now which is the one consistent piece in my life aside from my relationship with God, family, and friends. Truthfully those are my support networks in which my strength comes from because they know me better than I know myself at times. Unknowns are by far the biggest challenge, they create a frustration which only a few things in life can create for me and the reality they keep jumping up, they are in my face. Last night a good friend and I spent several hours trying to repair a gas leak in my vehicle in the process we found that my steering rack is leaking power steering fluid. This is exactly what has been happening since the start of this semester, go looking at one thing and then find another. How on this green earth do we handle these situations because frankly it has been driving me nuts. It amazes me that here I am just a little over half way through the semester and somehow someway it hasn't come toppling down in a giant mess.

Maybe this isn't so much a theme for this semester maybe it has been for this year, just a thought. Whatever the case maybe there is only so much which can be accomplish within the context of a normal twenty-four hour day. Is it to much to ask for one whole month where nothing crazy happens and life can go smoothly on thereby allowing me to focus on school work. As much as I am writing this for myself in order to process truthfully this is me coming before God publicly because while praying alone, letting others know they aren't alone in there struggles as well, and being vulnerable.

One thing which was recently shared with me was the idea of a silent retreat, going to a place where you can just go and not have to interact with people a lot or even talk within certain areas. Probably one of the best things which I've done for myself since coming down to Minneapolis for schooling. My time down here has been very challenging with many obstacles and now as the time in coming for graduation, my final semester of registering for classes. My thoughts now are, "It's going to take a miracle for me to graduate if this continues." Never before in my academic career has there been such a challenge as this semester has been, it continually amazes me just that here I am.

If I were to be open and honest with my readers this is one of those times where I doubt in making it, where I doubt in the ability to finish. It has been that trying of a semester. I look for God, looking for the little things, but also in the bigger picture and that is the harder part. because right now the word is patience and let tell you what I detest that word, I loathe it. People say just be patient. Do you have any idea what you're saying ?!?!?!?!?! Do people actually use their brain before engaging their mouth.... This is like in that part in the movie when the main character realizes not only does he have to embrace the possibility of failing, but give it his all if he is to succeed. There is no half-assing it from here on out. Balls to the wall. You have to be fully committed to your cause if you are going to succeed, you have be half-in and succeed, or two-thirds, or three quarters. It is everything or nothing. If anyone knows me, they know this I am either all in or not in at all. There is only one option and that is to be all in. Very few times will I actually withdraw completely from activities, challenges, and life because that is simply me.

So coming to the end already. Where is the next step? Don't have a clue. Hard to admit, but that's a fact. Wish there were answers, but lately there has been far more questions than answers. The hardest part is not getting cold to the point where I become detached from everything. I have been down that road before and it's cold, lonely, and sucks. So if you are reading this then pray for me. I need it now more than ever. There is no quick or easy fix in these types of situations. Other than what has already been written not much else can be said. You have my thanks for the continued support through the years and as always, "Take care and God Bless."

"A Story Worth Living"

With recent events in my life and the change of direction since 2013 has been pretty incredible, but what is happening now can only be described as challenging because for the first time in my life there is something driving me forward with a passion few areas can rival. Back in 2010 or 2011, I read a book by John Eldredge which changed my perceptions or rather my reality of myself, men, and life that book was Wild At Heart. This book opened up another realm of questions, questions that only between God and I could answer, the answers were shocking when they came out and strangely the pain that was tied to them the words brought healing and peace to areas of my life. A life that had been filled with chaos, pain, anger, resentment, and bitterness; if you have ever seen the movie "Inside Out" there was no joy or sadness in my life just anger to the point of rage at times. However years before in Iraq I found my laugh the best way to describe it during a comedy that was on AFN (Armed Forces Network) and my buddies turned towards me like, "What the hell just happened?" That laugh was a gift which helped save my life in other ways, but back to the book and the title.

The book continued to play a part in my life as it has been reread, reanalyzed, and reconsidered with emphasis on different aspects of my life or different chapters in the book which focus on aspects of a man's life. In 2014, John Eldredge's son launched And Son's which displayed a vlog series titled "Killing Lions" talking about different aspects that a young man faces, trials, and topics which men are fighting with as they are going through life. The vlog which triggered me was https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkw0sKw3xJTfV6T57cfCZgg, talking about pain and how pain is not our biggest battle. This video opened up another can of worms so to speak because it was my first summer in Minneapolis, everything was not going the way it should and life was hard with decisions on eating versus putting gas into my vehicle. It was then I came across this video and it changed my perspective of my time in Minneapolis, at North Central working towards my undergrad in Pastoral Studies.

Then coming to this year, the loss of a couple friends in January and finishing my third to my last semester at North Central I found myself making new friends and going deeper with current friends, then in May I stumbled across a short trailer for a documentary done by John Eldredge with his sons and two life long friends. Checking the dates and realizing the movie was releasing that week which is one week from today I knew there was no question in whether seeing this movie or not, it was a must see. That Thursday, I relaxed all day up to thirty minutes prior to the showtime @ 7:30pm, upon arriving I found out that showing was sold out by 3pm as a group of sixty or so men came in and bought out the tickets. Luckily for me there was a 10pm showing which meant a long night for me, but it was well worth it!

During the movie, I took notes which helped me process what they were talking about and the depths of their conversations of the movie. The premise of this was a life or a story worth living at the title states, kinda gives away the topic not completely though.

Right away it was clear to me that life is not about living comfortably, but pushing the edges of adventure not recklessly, but with a purpose and a goal in mind. There are plenty of quotes and one liners in the movie to encourage someone or to ponder for days or weeks on end. My first impressions were of excitement and anticipations which continued throughout the movie, the reality set in when they began discussing the depths of failures in life or the harsh reality of growing up. At one point John Eldredge came back from a bad day of fly fishing and his wife Staci was just watching him pace wondering what was up and finally John exclaimed he's not out there. What John is referring to is time spent with his dad and fly fishing was their time together, but his dad suffered a stroke and fought cancer which left him unable to fish anymore. It is a hard reality for him, longing to spend time with his father who's not there anymore. We are all longing for a closeness with our fathers as guys doing what guys do, in that we can find a deeper relationship with God one that takes us to places where we enjoy a true relationship.

As I continue to write this piece, it dawned on me that there are endless pieces of information or quotes to copy down, but that's not really what I want to share with you. What's on my mind and heart is something far more simpler. This quote encompasses my piece more so because of the reality of life, "Find a story that tells you about your story. A story that explains your story." I say this because we are all looking for something more to life and for me as a Christian this looks like doing what God has called me to do, working with people because they need help whether they want to admit it or not. I think the biggest piece we can understand is the hope of something more than just the life we live now. Being apart of something bigger than ourselves where in the story we are not the main characters and the characters involved have no ending, their depth is endless and the story doesn't end. The whole premise is finding a story where with God we go to places where maybe we would never dream or do something beyond our wildest imagination because with God anything is possible. I am not glorifying adventure or being an adrenaline junkie, but thinking on the grander scale of life of what God is doing in the midst of our lives as Christians.

It is something we in the west face with a startling reality with modern technology and applications which focus on us and our lives. I wonder where this will all end up in the coming years?  Will I have gone out with my boots on or will it be a nice peaceful ending in some hospital bed? My life has always been in God's hands since a earlier stage in walk when reading a book titled Radical by David Platt. It was an honest conversation in the book when he was working New Orleans and how he came to a point where he knew he had to be willing to die for his God if this was something he really believed in. In the same sense I was willing to die for my country so how could I not be willing to die for my God? How could I live a life where it was about my needs and comforts? I would rather enjoy the life God has given me doing what he has called me to.

The idea of the movie is being apart of something greater, how we can overcome our fears as to not let them paralyze us to the point where we are unable to move forward. To bring people who we love along with us on our adventure, to create something where we are merely another character not the main. I hope there is something you can identify with, if you have questions do not be afraid to ask them. I love my God and my faith is something special where the rubber meets the road, to live this life to the fullest. I am a child of God, a saint, a holy one, have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. I am covered by the blood of Jesus Christ and my name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life.

Take care and God Bless!!!

School, Life, and Me

These last couple semesters of school have gone by faster than I could ever anticipate and now within a year I will be graduating from North Central and moving forward from a place where the last three years of my life have been given. Forging of new relationships and figuring out my place in this world will be part of that journey, but the hardest part will be whether to stay in Minneapolis or move back to Duluth. It is hard to know right now where I will end up, but my hopes are to travel after graduation however not sure if that will be right away or down the road. Just thinking about the future is kind of daunting as there are challenges that have to present themselves, new people to meet, and decisions to make which may or will alter my course. To be honest I don't really bother myself with these questions or thoughts as I am relaxed and a bit more care free than I would admit in person.

So how are y'all doing? What has been going on in your lives? I ask these questions not draw away from my post, but because I wonder. People have been reading my blog for a while and for the most part there is little interaction between me and the readers minus those who read my blog via Facebook. I wonder if there are questions my readers have for me. I hope you are doing well because when I was blogging more there was a interaction that was there and I've missed blogging truthfully. So how does a person convey to others? How do we relate? In my Homiletics II course, we had to read a book called Communicating For A Change and it maybe rethink how I have interacted with my audiences, how to connect them to what I want to share. This class has been a challenge for me because the best grade I've received is a B and now with my final message on the 26th of April there is plenty of time to prepare. It has really challenged my ability to communicate a message to my audience, to see that they grasp the material that I am talking about, but maybe I'm going about this in the completely wrong way.

I have always like the TED talk style of communicating with an audience versus your normal Sunday mornings, but it is almost as if I am trying to find my style which is never easy. When I talk about personal stories it is like breathing, but when I have to craft something for a class it becomes more challenging because their are requirements and I struggle with meeting requirements. Requirements are the exact opposite of what makes me in my mind, this is never easy nor fun. My first sermon was rough; right before I was very anxious and struggled with my words, long pauses plagued me. It could be that there is need for more practice which will always be the best way to learn because I have always been a hands on learner. It has been interesting to watch myself grow semester after semester, year after year; to see what comes out of me when pushed to learn, to grow, and when professors are nudging me to grow.

Growth is never easy in any area of our lives, especially as a student I think it is even tougher because every year the professors standards/expectations changes with the classes that you are in. I think for me this has been some of the most beneficial time in the recent years; to think about where and how this all started to where I am today is kinda remarkable because no credit do I desire. The people have made the journey all the more bearable, they have blessed me by their friendships and just asking how I am doing means a lot. The month of March has really been solid, I am fortunate to have had a such a good month after last semester and the start to this year. God has blessed me and I look forward to the next pieces of this journey and where he takes me because there are hopes, dreams, plans, and the unknown that all await. I'm glad I was able to put together this blog!

Take care and God Bless!!

Time

With the time constraints of school this has taken a back... I don't like it, but that is the case and my writing continues just not so much on this blog as it does on my facebook page. Unfortunately my facebook is private and only my friends can it it. I hope to get bake to blogging sometime soon.

I am doing well for the most part, still adjust to a new semester of school with changes happening in my personal life. The death of two Vietnam veterans who were friends of mine passed away at the end of January which hit home, both men of God whose lives impacted me and I am forever grateful that our paths crossed. God is still good! I'm grateful for all the readers, people who have left encouraging comments and those who silently read in the background.

My hope and prayer is that others are blessed by what I have shared, that God would touch your lives as he has touched mine and now another year is starting with nearly two months in of this year there is promise for what will come in this year.

Thank you all!

Take care and God Bless!!

Blog: IYH 22-37, 502-509; LHMA chapter 20

The basic way to see people for who they are is by looking at the fruit they provide in their lives and by doing so you will learn how to correctly asses others also judge people by the results of their actions. The book on (pg 23) gives the example of how a person was late for work, but it was out of his control because of car accident, however he is still late regardless which is unfortunate. There are circumstances where this process is drawn out and its not for some time before you see the fruit of peoples actions in their lives. Something the books points out on pg. 27 is "the other examples of "trees" and "promised fruit": 1) Parents believe it's important to be with their children, but spend no time with them;(no fruit-question the promise). 2) A friend clams to care for others, and during the week does several tasks such as visiting people in the hospital, baking casseroles for sick neighbors, etc;(very evident fruit-trust the promise). 3) An individual is supposed to be able to come up with new and better ways of doing things, never does so, but always has very good reason for not doing so;(no fruit, great intentions though-question the promise)." One of the harder challenges is assessing people's strength then matching that with the needs as it's not always a clear path for getting their and may take some time before they have a clear understanding of this looks like.

This section reminds me of times in the military when dealing with new leadership specifically officers who had a chip on their shoulder and wanted to prove that they new what was best for us. One person comes to mind specifically and he was a relatively new 2nd LT and right away he was a big hit with the younger crowd of enlisted or those who liked to hit the gym, however we started to have issues with him because of fraternization with the enlisted. The senior enlisted warned him of his actions, even our C.O. wrote him up for fraternization, he became a liability later on in the tour as he took favorites, but then the people who were his favorites began to dislike him. He couldn't follow through on the promises or be trusted because he was a liability with how he acted therefore wasn't trusted by many of us. I respected his rank and authority, but not him or his actions as a leader, however he did have some redeeming qualities ie preventing stupidity from rolling down hill on to us.

Pages 502-509 hit on specifically accountability and the need to have someone holding you or you holding them accountable, in fact in businesses this is almost necessary because work needs to get done. Accountability is what I would refer to as a necessary evil because no one likes it, but we all need it regardless of what position we are, and if you're the leader then you need to hold the people who report to you accountable.

Accountability is one of those things where you can save yourself a lot headaches if you do it right the first time when setting it up, my first mentor held me accountable in a way that really challenged me. When we would meet he would ask me like: How's the devotional time or What do you thinking God is speaking to you? In essence it's still in play today when I go through life, but there is one piece I will be honest on and I do believe that I should be putting more time in my relationship with God because he is our source for everything. Accountability sucks because we don't like asking the hard questions especially for guys in terms of purity, I know because I had people who kept me accountable for purity. It sucked asking those questions and it's not easy at all, but completely necessary, the same goes for leaders.

Managing a staff is as hard as you think, as looking at this chapter you see all the different aspects of working with staff from what you expect of them to dealing with terms of pay then mediating conflict between staff members. These are all aspects of managing staff and it's not as glorious as it may seem, there is a lot of work that goes into this and this is when dealing with people you realize how much it sucks.

I've been around enough leaders to see how a good leader manages a staff versus how a bad leader manages a staff or just personal under him. There was a period where I was providing child care for a Women's Bible study and occasionally I would have one or two kids helping me so we would manage working with the children that we had. Occasionally there was conflict between me and the older of the two kids and occasionally I would have to be that authoritative leader/ manager versus my typical style which is here's what I expect, this is what needs to happen, and working with them as a team and individually. It was a great experience because that was one of the first times I was in charge of people outside the military. We handled everything rather well from kids getting fingers slammed on toys to peed pants, and I would 99% we didn't have any issues working together. Honestly it kinda clued me in on parenting kids as well as managing people under you because you find out right away with what works or what doesn't.

Blog: IYH 440-455; LHMA chapter 10

LHMA chapter 10 is really getting at how a church finds the right pastor and how the process really refines the candidates because they need to know who they are looking for in a pastor. It's ultimately a matter of prayer in aspects, but honing in on possible candidates who you believe would be a good fit for your church/ministry. It seems strange, but in some ways I took a similar process when choosing where to attend college when I fully understood God was calling me to be a pastor, there was a lot of time spent looking, communicating, and figuring out what is going to help me succeed. In the end it came down to two schools: North Central and Northwestern; it is obvious who won out and for many reasons I am glad that North Central was my choice because there are people, resources, and peace with where I am at here. There will always be a process when searching for the right person or place at times and we really need to pay attention to what is important not only to us, but God.

IYH 440-455 outlines the needs for two very specific aspects in an applicant, candidate, or recruit and that is being teachable and integrity, both would be paramount when entering the work force regardless of what you're doing. These become a major factor in searching for the right people who you want to bring a long on the journey or into a position of importance because you along with your coworkers need to know that you're willing to learn from others and they can count on you. In my life people have often described me as these, it is rather humbling hearing that from pastors, friends, and counselors. We had to be teachable and integrity was a trait that was rewarded in the military because it meant your leadership knew they could count on you to get tasks done. So now at 31, this is something that needs to be in my life constantly as it helps me in many aspects of who I should be versus what isn't needed in this world.

BLOG: G2G 13-17

This section is rather interesting as a reader because not only does it talk about how to transform a situation and people, but the challenges in getting there because the steps are difficult, but in the end it is worth, The first example is Roger Briggs and what he did when he became a teacher in Boulder, Colorado and how he transformed the school he was teaching at, but also finding great teacher to partner with him on this journey. Then there is Wendy Kopp, a Princeton graduate who wanted other graduates from high end universities to teach low-income kids for their first couple years after graduating. She began gathering support and reaching out to recent graduates and began filtering the good from the great because she knew what it was going to take in order for this process to be successful. Both these people had to convince others that it was worth filtering out, holding to the strict standards that have been set, and willingness to commit to a long term project.

 The hardest part of moving from good to great is the process because as Christians we are to be more like Christ and less like ourselves, but the only way we do that is the process. It's like the refiners fire or the potter's hand shaping us into what we are meant to be. Often as Christians we get content with where we are at and forget that we are to look more like Christ and less like ourselves; you see this is the same transition from good to great. A great leader in the church will motivate you as a follower, he will challenge you, and at times test you with how far you are willing to go with your relationship with Christ. You see in the New Testament there is constant language talking about being transformed which means to look like Christ, to throw off everything that entangles us and run the race marked out for us. However we need to remember we have the greatest teacher and that is Christ himself, he is the perfect example of how we should be striving to be greater than who we are now. People give up along the way, get content, or get scared that God might ask them to do something beyond what they are comfortable doing and for whatever reason people just stop right there, Sometimes the journey is was separates the good from the great, not the number of messages preached or how popular they became with the culture. To be great you don't need to have a huge impact, just look at Roger Briggs he started small and made a huge impact on the students where he taught.

Blog: G2G 9-13 Issue Two

From the start of this section of the book Good to Great right a way we see is a picture of what leadership should look like in a cooperate office as "Frances Hesselbein was named CEO of the Girl Scouts of the USA.(G2G9) " She goes on to explain that she is not at the top of cooperate ladder for her orgaization, rather she plays an integral role as she makes people aware of the realities facing younger girls such as teen pregnancy and alcohol use which helped bring a realization of what they are facing in our society. This whole sections focuses on what makes a level 5 leader and how we as becoming leaders can avoid making the mistakes. The big focus is on the level 5 leader who is at the top of the pyramid and defined by, "someone who builds enduring greatness through a paradoxical blend of personal humility and professional will." The essence of a leader is different than the use of power, a leader is someone who inspires you to do something while power can be used to force you to do something that you may or may not agree with.


This book has a lot of ways that a person can become a better leader and by doing so they go from good to great; not overnight though as everything is a process. It is often easy for me to see the good leaders who want to improve versus those who are content with where they are at. If we are going to good leaders for our churches then we need to be willing to improve and become something better than before, emulate Christ. Leaders don't sit behind the desk and wait for their staff to do what they ask, but out front with their people working with them. That is something I always appreciated in the military was most of our leaders were there before and knew what was expected of us, they understood the challenges we faced. Sometimes people have false expectations, humility, and accountability which causes failings whether morally or ethically.