"The Badge of Glory"

Of all the medal upon our chests

From battles and wars we knew,

The one admired as the very best,

Is the one of Infantry Blue.

It's only a rifle upon a wreath,

So why should it mean so much?

It is what it took to earn it,

That gives it it's magic touch.

To earn this special accolade

You faced enemy's fire.

Whether you survived or not,

God dialed that one desire.

For those of us who served the cause,

And brought glory to this nation,

It's the Combat Infantryman's Badge

That really tells the story.

Author Unknown

The Reality of War

Well it's been a while since I've posted anything and so after watching a very powerful and moving video about a Joseph Kony who is a Child Army leader of a group called L.R.A. (Lords Resistance Army) I found myself thinking about the passions and desires that God has placed in my heart. Realizing that this guy needed to be stopped and watching the video unfold just hit home with me in a lot of different areas.

This is my reality and what I would like see brought out and educate the society that I live, to get people to realize, and to ultimately help veterans who struggle with P.T.S.D. , T.B.I. , anxiety, and all the other garbage that comes from war. I want to shed some light on this topic because I believe that there has been some grave misunderstandings in our society and that these men and women who have served selflessly for their country are just simply forgotten and to me it's to similar to Vietnam almost. Granted there isn't as many protesters, baby killer name calling, and overall violence against our troops. I know people don't have a clue as to how to interact or even know what to say when they meet a veteran. Most people kindly thank them for their service and move on about their day that is unless you live with one or have been close to one.

For veterans returning from war there is a ton of culture shock that happens and being home since 2007 I still to this day experience culture shock which is crazy because it'll be 5 years this summer since I returned from Iraq. I'll be honest with you I feel like an alien 6 days out of the 7 during the week. Every veteran is different in how the deal with the effects of combat situations and the reality of war some may deal with depression, anxiety, P.T.S.D., T.B.I., or they can struggle with multitudes of other mental or physical problems. Even a combination of both. Anyone who's been in combat and has trained for it may have the mentality that they don't need help or don't believe they have P.T.S.D. or any other issues, but the reality is that there is probably lingering effects. We all deal with situations differently and how we handle the stress of being constantly in a fight whether it's mentally, physically, or emotionally.

I'm going to share with all of my readers right now what life was like for me when I returned from war. I'll give you probably up the first year. The first three months of coming home were great! I enjoyed a great season of weather coming home in the late summer, life was grand and it was nice to see some green stuff again lol After the first few months and trying school again which I later withdrew from and I found a video game to keep me going depression hit in late October. At this point I had just did whatever I wanted and lived how I felt like I should considering I technically should be dead. The depression got bad around Christmas time when we had our 90 day reintegration process. A weeks few later we had our one year anniversary for our alive day. I just remember drinking as much as I could to try and suppress that memory, but it was futile because my buddy who sat across from was the one who had the worst physical injuries. It was just another reminder that constantly stared me back all night. It's now January and another Iraq buddy is in Duluth going to school at where I attend now. At this point is where I really started to self medicate and we would go out drink pretty good then I'd drive home some how. It wasn't until May of 2008 that I started seeking help and that's when things slowly changed for me. I started seeing a counselor which was helping for the depression, but I still was struggling with irritability, anxiety, and P.T.S.D. I was constantly arguing with my parents because neither of us knew how to interact with each other anymore. My anger flared up as I got into fights with a brother who bore my anger which he never should had to do and to this day there is a rift between us. I continued to deal with my issues with how I thought was best, but in reality it only made things worse for me. I can't believe I've put this much out there for others to read and to see just how tough it is to readjust from war, to understand or even try to comprehend what it's like for our men and women coming back from combat and seeing what they saw.

Now for the most part the depression is gone and the anxiety is slowing going away, but I'm still learning about the P.T.S.D. and what triggers that. I rightly don't how the rest of my life is going to look like honestly. My family doesn't really understand me and there's a lot of arguments between my parents and I. I really struggle with not going back into the military and being a part of something bigger, greater then myself. The reality is the only things that really keep me from not going back are these two things: My church! Yep that's right Anchor Pointers and other fellow believers who support me and pray for me and the second thing is that active duty Army doesn't want prior service, they want fresh blood. I continue to bring this up to God in prayers, conversations, and out of frustrations. People who don't know my story just look at me funny like the deer in the head light looks. As a vet I have a tendency to joke about anything that I can and sometimes it's wrong, but that was part of the culture I was a part of. Now I get to try and adjust into a society that is prominently selfish where people only look at their needs. Being a follower of Christ I get to choose to serve a greater purpose, to serve for something that's worth every bit of it.

I don't know how you will receive this message, but it's my hope that you will have just a little better understanding of just how tough it is for veterans to adjust coming home from war. That you begin to see into the lives of the veteran(s) in your lives and how they are fighting just to keep their feet on the ground. My prayer is that all of you who read this would have the grace, patience, love, and mercy when you meet a veteran who is just a little rough around the edges. That you would be able to show how much their service means to them. With that said take care and God Bless!

© Nathan Fahlin

Act of Valor

Where do I start ? I went and saw Act of Valor last night and wow.......... what a step in the right direction. Everything about that movie just hammered home what I had known and remembered about the military. From my perspective this movie reminded me a lot of why I joined up and why I did what I did. I struggle a lot with wanting to go back in and continue to fight for what I believe in, what this country was founded on, and maybe just maybe see a glimpse of the Old Glory days. What I'm about to talk about I don't expect anyone except other veterans to understand.

When I separated from the military technically back in 2010 that was the toughest thing I had to do honestly. I was removing myself (more like God removed me) from men who I in many ways considered to be my brothers because we had fought together, bleed together, and cried together. We became a fraternity or brotherhood whatever you would like to call it. We had been through a completely different set of experiences that not many people will never understand. I've talked about this to close friends and family members, but here's the reality the wanting to be a part of the military, to continue to fight for everything that you love and hold dear doesn't really go away I think ever. So far since I've gotten out I have made two different attempts at trying to go active duty and continue on with my military career. This is something that is not easy because as vet you fight it, struggle with it, and hate it all at the same time. I can't tell how many times that I get so sick and tired of seeing in society that makes me wonder how the heck do people live outside in this false sense of a world. With media devices like facebook and now google +, where texting, skyping are now the norm it appears that we have drifted away from reality and now struggle to find reality. When I see this I think to myself, "This is stupid! They need to wake up from this dream they're living." Okay I didn't use those words and in reality the thought is a lot harsher then what I've voiced.

After coming out of the theater last night the way I was ready to do anything I could just to get back to the military. But I realize this is where I belong right now and this is where I need to be in my life. On Wednesday this week I sat down with a couple other vets who were in Iraq at the same I was and we talked for a couple hours just about the stupidity of the military with all the red tape and B.S. that you have to put up with and now you have political correctness because of all the stupid politicians that need to keep their nose out of the military. Period. End. Of. Report. They have no business messing around with what the military does and if they do they darn well better be the freaking President of the United States of America not some backwoods, poh dunk senator from Georgia who thinks an island can capsize and sink itself oh by the way he's a democrat too. Go on! Google it! I dare you! A lot of what I struggle with and miss about the military is the comradery and knowing that I'm fighting for something that's bigger then myself. That there's some bigger purpose I'm living for because honestly a lot of Americans are just living for themselves and don't really care about anyone else. I've said this before and I'll say it again America needs to put in place where every high school graduate or G.E.D.'d person needs to put in at least two years for public service whether it's military or some other American organization helping out America. So that they can learn what it takes to keep this country going instead of wasting money going to college and partying because they think they are entitled to it. I'm done ranting about what will part of the reason this country will collapse someday.

Well I slammed this door pretty hard this morning and I guess that was my intentions. The truth of this reality is for me is there will always be some part that wants to be in some far off distant land fighting for something I believe in and know to me that it's worth dying for. I know a lot of you who read this will not understand and I'm not asking you to understand. I'm showing all of you, each and everyone of you a part of me and who I am. This is crazy lol I've been writing this blog for 7 months now and I still haven't run out of ideas to talk about and some have been God given ideas so I can't take any or all the credit.

I'm going to leave you with a quote from the movie Act of Valor. Here's the scene a campfire burning and there stands probably 10 Navy SEALs talking plainly about what's going down and about heading downrage ie getting deployed. Senior Chief is a career SEAL who's been through it all looks at his men and says this, " For all those who’ve been down range, to us, and those like us — damn few." The reality is the percentage of Americans who serve has been decreasing ever since World War II and during Iraq and Afghanistan there was only .45% of Americans that severed in the Armed Forces. We are a dying breed I'm convinced. Here's me signing off.

© Nathan Fahlin

A Time of Reflection

Not really sure what I'm going to call this blog post, but this is going to be a time of reflection. To talk about what has transpired, what God has done in my life, and how my life has changed. It's shocking to think how much has changed in my life. In this I will talk about the trails, struggles, and probably some of the uglier parts of returning home from war, but I'm going to share what GOD has done.

I'm not sure how many of you know what actually transpired when I first got back from Iraq and my life was like along with how I was "treating" my problems. A phrase you commonly hear when veteran's come back from war is self medicating or self medicate. This terminology usually refers to drinking and lots of it, multiple nights a week and it can go on for any length of time when they come back. Six months, a year or maybe even more. For me the first three months I was so busy I didn't know what to do honestly as I was constantly traveling all over the state. Hanging with friends one week then the next week being in a completely different part of the state. By the end of the first three months reality set in and I was still expected to go to college and find out what I'm supposed to do with my life. Well that was a short trip that came to a sudden stop which was probably a good, but that's when this story takes a turn down a very dark alley which there was a light at the end of it just that I couldn't see it yet. About December of 2007 my outlook and overall attitude was very bleak, didn't go out much, played a lot of video games. When I would go out I honestly felt like everyone was staring at me like, " Is this guy gonna snap and kill someone ?" and I couldn't take it so when I did go out it was to places where there was a little solitude. Then in January I buddy from Iraq moved up to Duluth and thus began the self medicating period of my return. This continued for about 6 months and towards the end of this time I just started to think about getting back to going to church. I still remember that Sunday at the Vineyard in the current Anchor Point building. I remember just standing thinking to myself and that's was the first step in God's plan for things to change for me. So here I am and one of the pastors at the time walked up to me and we started talking next thing I know I'm agreeing to meet up with him during the week. That month of May I'll never forget because that's when I talked to my leadership about what had been going on. Mind you at this time I was going two to three nights a week and making some very poor choices along with dealing with what I would call severe depression. The depression lasted for a few years and for the rest of my time in the Army National Guard I saw a counselor who just happened to be a Lutheran Pastor also. This man truly help guide me with going back to school and handling the new friendships that were bound to come.

Slowly, but surely things just started to fall into their specific places and I thought I finally had a handle on life again after going through everything in those first 9months after coming back from Iraq. What I didn't realize was there were issues that didn't needed to be dealt with and it wouldn't be till the fall of 2011 that I would truly come to understand that I wasn't finished walking down the road to recovery. In Oct of 2011 I basically broke down at my Men's Group which I currently attend and God showed me where exactly I needed healing. It was the start to a process that is still continuing and God has been truly faithful in restoring and healing me from the inside out. The more I think about what He's done for the more I realize just how blessed I am. I'm just in awe in how much God has done for me and yet at the same time I know there is still more to go. God is Always Faithful, His love stays the same through the ages, God's love never fails. It's been an honor to be able share with all of you who read my blog with what God has been doing in my life and I hope and pray that this not only encourages you, but gives you hope for your own life also knowing that God will always be there through it all.

I thank you all for taking the time out to read my blog for those of you that do. I thank God that I get to share this story of healing, restoration, and wholeness with each and everyone of you. I thank God for the community of believers, friends, and just amazing people He's so perfectly placed in my life and you know who are too! There is always hope even when there is pain in the night because joy comes in the morning. I am grateful that I get to share this with all of you! Take care and God Bless!:)

© Nathan Fahlin

"The Purple Heart"

As a young man who's been through a lot already in my 28 years of life I feel older then I actually am. When I first returned from Iraq I heard some where that soldiers in combat zones age one year for every month they are there. So take my deployment in which lasted nearly 15 months then look at my age at which I was when I returned which was 23 so then mentally in some sense I would be 38 years old, now add the birthdays that have passed since I've been home and now I'm 43 years old mentally lol! But that's not what I want to talk about in this "note."

As the title states what I really want to talk about is the Military Award of the Purple Heart or amongst the branches it's commonly known at the "Enemy Marksmanship Badge" which really is a joke to make light of the fact that those who have received this award have been through some "shit" and no I'm not gonna be politically correct here because there is just to much of that shit in this world. For me someone who's been awarded the Purple Heart it's not something that I like to hear from people, "Hey congratulations on your Purple Heart." The Purple Heart is an award not be congratulated, but there is a certain respect that comes from it. To me this is an award which highlights what servicemen and women are all about. We have written a blank check payable to our great country up to including our life if that's what it takes for us to accomplish our mission. Those who've received the Purple Heart and wrote that check to the United States of America can pretty much fill the check in with whatever caused them to receive the Purple Heart. For me I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, and P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) since that cold December night, with the I.E.D.(improvised explosive device), and the winter's cold. My physical wounds were rather small, but what happened inside my mind, the mental aspect of the wounds caused by that night took a lot from me. The fact remains that all three of us should of died that night in Iraq, but yet we are all here, living our lives out in this country where we call home.

The Purple Heart really embodies a lot of what soldiers, sailors, marines, and airmen are really all about. We all have our own reasons for serving our country, but in the Army there is something that was drilled into our brain and probably won't leave us till the day we die which is L.D.R.S.H.I.P.: L=Leadership, D=Duty, R=Respect, S=Selfless Service, H=Honor ,I=Integrity, P=Personal Courage. Those who've been awarded the Purple Heart know that in those moments when "all hell breaks lose" or when " the shit hits the fan" that things like Duty, Selfless Service, and Personal Courage shine through those bleak moments. Those moments are truly pure chaos in of it self and I don't care who you care if you haven't been there then shut up I don't want to hear it. For some people training takes over as it did for me, others might not be able to function, and then you have the people who are cool, calm, and steadfast throughout the entire ordeal. For me I remember everything about that night, what I was doing, where we were, what was happening inside the truck, you name it I can recall it except when I was unconscious which I still to this day have no idea how long I was knocked out for. For me it's very true that time slowed down when the I.E.D. went off. I don't have to hardly think about the memory and I can picture the entire event. I don't wish this event on any of my family, friends, relatives, or the average Joe.

We all left parts of ourselves in Iraq when we left or Iraq took parts of us and now they reside there. I'm grateful for the men I served with over there. There are some of the best men I've had the privilege to know in my life so far. We are brothers who've bled together, cried together, laughed together, and fought together. I wouldn't trade any of my experiences for anything in the world nor the good, the bad, and the ugly. Do I wish that some didn't happen ? of course, but all those who go to war do so who've seen such times. Please take a moment and with a thankful heart thank God that we still have men and women who believe that this country is still worth dying and fighting for. I thank God that I was given the chance to serve and those whom I've served with.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_Heart

© Nathan Fahlin

Healing and Restoration Part 3

Well here I am again thinking about what God is doing in my life and how it's changing just about everything about me. His love continually amazes me each and everyday along with His mercies, grace, and just overall faithfulness. For about two months now I've been seeing a Christian counselor who has just about one of the biggest radars for hearing from God in a person that I've ever met and all I can say it WOW! What I'm going to talk about in this post is something that happen just recently and everything is still very fresh in my mind.

The day is Monday the 16th of January 2012 and it's 3pm when I get to the counselor's place of work. There's a man from my church there with us today as he is in training to become a counselor so this is just some hands on training for him and I'm okay with it. Today we are going back to the P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) which started at the explosion of an I.E.D. rocking the truck I was driving. As I'm walking through this process with my counselor and the man from my church I am instructed to invite Jesus into this moment. What was to follow there was no amount of preparation that would of did me any good. I'm sitting in a chair with my head in my hands, what's been happening is a lot of prayer and instructions then it happens. The man from my church comes over and puts his hand on my head and with words from God I truly believe he says this, "Your friend is with me in heaven. You don't know the plans I have for you and your understanding won't be able to fathom it." This is what I remember the most clearly and I cannot begin to describe the what had taken place inside of my heart, mind, and spirit. The healing and restoration that came from this hour long session was simply amazing and I have no doubt at all that God was there in the midst of it. The words were to true, to pure, to holy in a sense because those words that were spoken to me I had spoken to God in journal entries, prayers, and general frustration. 

This is only part of the time of what God has been doing in my life continually and it constantly amazes me what He does out of love for me. His mercies are new each day whether they come in the form of simply gestures or from co-workers when I'm having  a bad day. The very fact of the matter is that this for me in healing and restoration which is something that more then welcomed in my life considering what I've struggled with and how it's impacted my life from the time of the I.E.D. going till now. Now I get to tell my friends what God has been doing for me and for those of you who may not believe that God doesn't heal or restore anymore well I got news for you HE DOES! I'm living proof that God is still in the business of healing and restoration trust me He does. The peace that I have within me doesn't come from anything of this world, but only from God because it's that peace which transcends all understanding. Take care and God Bless! =)

© Nathan Fahlin

Journal from Iraq

Thought I would share this with all of you who've been following my blog. This was written during my time in Iraq.


06Jan07

    Today was a good and bad just rolled all into one. I have these emotions and feeling that I don’t know how to express which makes for a roller-coaster of a day. Everyday I feel extremely grateful that I am still here to talk about what happened on 19Dec2006, but yet sometimes the pain is too much for me to bear. I don’t know why, but for some reason I continually think about what it’s going to be like meeting J.R. and Carlon’s families, I just don’t know why though. Is it out of fear or is it just my reaction to the situation, yet everything seems to be going smoothly for them as they recover in the states and I will continue to pray for their healing and a fast recovery. Just about everyday I go through the events of that terrible day and what it was like to be in the vehicle. I thank God everyday that I’m alive and that J.R. and Carlon are here with me because without them I don’t know where I would be right now. Everybody seems to so proud of me, but I don’t feel nearly as proud as I should I guess, but that’s just me being humble I guess. What really keeps me awake at night was the first night alone right after it happened. The emotions that I went through were just terrible and the feeling of being alone with no one to talk too really makes everything worse. I am thankful for SPC Moore, the medic that took the time to listen what I had to say because I was just feeling so awful and I felt like it was my fault. I know now that I am forever bonded to these two individuals for the rest of my time on this earth, but I’m just not so sure about me because I’ve always been a loner when it came to social gatherings.  There is so much more that I want to talk about with them, but that will have to wait until I get back from my tour here. What eats at me know is the thought of being extended for 3-6 months which would put me at 21-24 months I would’ve have been gone which is way to long for anyone to be gone from, but if that is the wish of my Commander in Chief, I will gladly continue to do my mission that has be assigned to me. Well it’s late and I need to get some sleep, so I will talk to you tomorrow.

© Nathan Fahlin