“I’m Done”

I’m done. Don’t ask what it means, but what matters is how it affects me and my life. 

Look there comes a point and time in a person’s like where a line in the sand must be drawn. That is this point. I’m not going anywhere or moving(not yet at least), but what is being said is this: no longer will I follow silly wayward ideals or standards. It’s been a long journey this past year, there have been times where I literally said, “This is it, find someone else.” Yes-that’s my conversation with God. This must be how the disciples felt at times one must wonder or how those closest to Christ reacted in difficulty, but yet somehow their faith was restored and they pushed on. 

Now for me-I’m in a period of growing and in a place where one does not care to be for various reasons. But I must remember that in those rocky times they will only last for a period. 

A week ago Sunday, I was in Duluth at a church that poured out its life into me, sitting there Sunday morning with new and familiar faces around me listening to a sermon that pierced the depth of me. I could hear God saying to me-“Go, get prayer.” It was needed. Restoring the faith in ways that one could not do on their own. For the coming days, there was a steady reminder of God’s goodness and faithfulness. Even on Facebook, there were hints, inklings of something which needed to be pursued. 

Now a week behind me, life is brighter. Is it easier? Heck no! If anything, it’s just as challenging as before yet there is this semblance of peace which remains. For that I’m grateful. Do others see a difference? I’m not sure, however eventually they will I think. So to sum up what I’m trying to say is, it’s not easy to walk a life that doesn’t follow norms and being grateful is important because we need that joy and hope in difficult times. 

Take care and God Bless!  

“Am I Ever Going to Get Married”

First off, let me say not being in college is great and I’m loving being graduated. I have an apartment in Osseo, MN not far from work and it’s slowly being furnished/put together. Honestly this is something that has been good, my own space filled me and my own crap. Not having to deal with roommates or noisy traffic has been great. 

However the question people love to ask me is, “Dating anyone? Got a woman in your life?” Then there are those who jokingly poke, prod, and ask me if I’m dating, to those I role my eyes at or make remarks based upon age, relationship, and friendship but most of the time I just laugh. My life doesn’t fit the mold for what Americans think of a young man and that’s fine by me. 

Is there changes which need to occur? Yes. Will they happen? Only if I discipline myself will they. But truthfully in my life there have been moments which I’ve hurried and where missed opportunities smack of pride. In my younger years I was in such a hurry to do x,y,&z that there are missed moments. One area in my life was getting married, so I flailed away in angst getting no where. So much that I’ve missed moments, but something happened in my last year of college which showed me more about myself. 

That one simple thing was how much I enjoy sharing life with people regardless of age, gender, or interests. You see in the late fall 2016 semester I embarked on a journey because of a dare by a friend. Not the stupid dares you see or hear of, but to go out of my realm of comfort. He has given a great performance in a theatrical titled The Secret Garden, you see I’m known by my peers because of my life and the scenes I laugh at. There was a play coming up and he put me up to the challenge of auditioning, me no experience nothing. Sure what’s the worst? They say no? Okay. Welp, then we meet mister bronchitis. Yeah that sums up that audition. Then there was the student led One Acts, where students would lead/direct and help recreate a small portion of a massive play. The play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, me I was King Claudius, oh what a sight. We practiced for weeks, preparing and memorizing lines, cast changes and all for recreating a play. But it wasn’t the play itself, it was being around the people. The night of the play, we are doing last minute checks, then we are milling about in the seats which the very spectators will be watching from. It’s here you find a small band of students huddled around talking, we get on the topic of friends. Being me and sometimes sharing to much, I openly talk about friendships and how to determine who’s healthy for you as a person. Immediately I reference Madea as the in the Tyler Parry show, and from here everyone is grasped. Full attention. Questions arise. It was in this moment where I realized how much I love people. Not in the sense of the attention, but their earnestness to learn or to hear from someone who has experienced more or simply to hear from someone else. I wish I’d gotten a picture of everyone, because the group ranged from your typical theater majors to a big goofy guy who’s seen way to many war movies lol! 

You see it’s not that I don’t want to get married, it’s that I want to be around people who care deeply for others, that spend their days living out the cause of the Gospel more than anything else. If that means I forfeit my right to marry simply because not being married allows me to rub shoulders with people who I  may otherwise not then so be it. I know there will be people who will read this and think, “You’re crazy or this dude is off his rocker,” but you know what to do what I’ve done in my life you have to be a little off center. 

You don’t sign up for the Infantry at age 19 knowing you could be killed and not be a little crazy. It’s decisions like these which have guided my life. Listen friends, if there is a woman out and I believe there who God has for me then great, but I’m not going to live my life as if she will never come or we will never meet. I believe when the time is right it will happen, that’s Gods timing not mine. 

I love the idea of sharing my life with a person, traveling, having a family, pursuing God and sharing the Gospel. But here’s the catch, it’s all or nothing. If God were to tell me to sell my things and go become a missionary in a third world country where Christians are persecuted because of their faith I would. It would be hard, but that’s the price I’m willing to pay, formed in word and thought nearly 7 years ago. 

So if you’re wondering when that special person will come along, stop it. Stop waiting and start living your life. Your life doesn’t begin when you’re married, it begins when you realize it’s waiting for you before your very eyes. I cannot say that I’ve learned to be content in all things because I’m not, but I’m striving toward that goal daily. 

Our culture will judge a persons life bun how full it is, if they are married, kids, job, but God looks at our lives differently. So stop playing the waiting game and grab life by the horns and run with where it takes you. Please do not waste time wondering when will he or she come into your life, it’s pointless. 

Have a good night and God willin’ see ya next week. Take care and God bless!

Diagnosis: PTSD

"Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again..." 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkXV1GPPR9I

That's how it feels when blogging or talking about PTSD or whatever people wanna call it. I've given up trying to figure out what or how to explain this thing that happens when men and women come back from war. However today is a little different than most of my blogs, it's gonna be a bit more in depth from my perspective.

You see back when I was in college at Lake Superior College in Duluth, there was this disconnect with not only peers because of my experiences (that's a given), but learning was becoming more challenging and the short term memory was struggling a little bit more than normal. So in of my many appointments during 2011 I made appointments for some cognitive testing to see if something was missing because of the concussion. I remember the drive down, peaceful and beautiful summer day. There wasn't anything special or overtly off in my presentation or my attitude. Getting down and finding my way through the VA hospital was not really hard and the testing was your standard as much as I remember now. 

Driving home was like any other drive back from Minneapolis, blue skies, music, and lots of road to burn with plenty of window time to enjoy every moment. Getting home, seeing my parents and answering questions was par for the course anytime coming back from the VA. I wouldn't find out the results for a few days, maybe a week and during the time there was just time being taken up by life and family. Those days were so peaceful, moments which needed to be savored because the time I have now is faster paced and it's gone faster than on can believe.

A couple days passed and there was a phone call for me, it was my test results from the VA and the person on the other end was calm, polite, and soft spoken. They explained that all the cognitive stuff was fine, but there was something else which had been a suspicion of mine for sometime. PTSD. Every connotation about this acronym is negative just about. There is hardly anything good that comes from this unless you have a drive about you that pushes the boundaries of life. For me, that was figuring out what and where my purpose in life was.

The conversation was short, to the point, but yet reassuring because in a way there was this relief of knowing what was happening or why things were the way they were in classrooms, taking tests, or anything else that required academic thought. For a moment it was like a breath of fresh air, finally knowing what this was and this being "PTSD."

I remember seeing my friends at church and people asking how did things go with the cognitive testing, it was odd talking about it yet it gave me relief in the time before I would actually start counseling. That was fine by me at this point. I can see most of what took place in those conversations, but this is something which hasn't even been talked about in years. So one day while working at my job I penned this title and thus breathed life into this blog. Not knowing where or how it would all turn out, now that is out there it's whatever. There is something oddly strange about talking such a moment in time where you feel like you're on the edge of a knife, wondering when or where you'll fall off either side. Sometimes we need to fall in order to understand who we are and what we are capable of.

Well that's all for now. I hope you have a good day and enjoy the time with family or friends or both. Take care and God Bless!!

New Year: Grace

Well it's 2017 and this is the last semester for my degree which means graduation is four short months and that means a lot of life changes. Like most college students facing graduation my goal is to find work and a place to lay my head at night for post-graduation life. Trying to grasp what life will look like yet still having enough faith to say, "Okay God thy will be done," that is my life right now. The other challenges are getting through this semester which ultimately will be one of the more challenging semesters for me because of class load along with Senior Project and Internship which adds up to 18 credits.

 There are far more unknowns in my life right now than knowns which for a guy who struggles with control and comfort is annoying to say the least; it's been difficult knowing where the direction will take me. I think surrender is a lot harder in a sense than we understand from the human perspective because of the reality which is our condition. Humbling in the matter which we find ourselves struggling because life doesn't turn out the way we want or because the hand we were dealt, however that is life. One thing I've found out is just because we get a raw deal in life doesn't mean that there isn't hope for our life can be.

I'm a guy with a past which includes dark times, trying to come to grip with where I've been and the obstacles which have been in my life. Many people may jump to my military service, however this goes back to before the Army. I'm talking about my educational years starting in elementary school all the way till high school. That being said one goal this year is to show myself a little more grace, the same grace I show my friends or people in general. It's difficult because typically I'm harder on myself than anyone else and after everything in life it's hard to take that step forward.


Ugh...

What am I doing??

 Unfortunately, my life is the life which I've been dealt, I could whine and cry about how life's not fair or I could surrender myself before God, pray asking him to help me. Sometimes the very weight of our past makes it almost impossible for us to move forward in life, yet the reality of which is Christ there is far more freedom, grace, understanding, love, hope, and faith. The greatest of these is love, love for God, Christ, what he has created, and probably most importantly ourselves.

With that I leave with this quote from the short movie, The Butterfly Circus.

Mr. Mendeaz, “The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph!”

Mornings After 13 Years

Thirteen years ago, I was waking up to recruits running around the barracks getting ready for the day. Morning PT(physical training) was a constant every day in our lives, however there was always this strange odor in the mornings. This morning as I'm walking out my apartment door today a familiar odor taunted my memory as I breathed out the air from my apartment into a crisp fall air.

During this short memory, I can hear the faint sound of feet hitting the ground in time, Drill Sargent's yelling out cadences, soldiers making their way through the morning routine of PT. We could count on this everyday while in basic training to Advanced Infantry Training because we were all Infantry. AIT (advanced individual training) for me lasted four weeks or so, lots of field training and honing our craft. In many ways I love the idea of morning routines including exercising, quiet time, and devotional time. These are things that are intentionally worked into morning schedules if possible.

It's crazy because I remember guys from my time, they stand out more so than those high school memories or friends who were never really there. Their faces are etched in my mind, just like the men who I went to war. We spent from October 2003 till February 2004 together, learning and honing our skills, hours daily spent practicing our craft that if we should ever deploy outlives would depend upon. There are practical things which may seem funny or odd to people who have never been in the military. These things people may never know unless they know the craft, the trade, and to the extent which we have developed our skills.

It's November so there's that, there is more emotion tied up in the next two months than the rest of the year for me. It's like the damn elephant sitting in the room which everyone is tiring to avoid talking about. It's the month of "Thank you for your service" statements and "the free food for one day" however this is not why we did it. We did it for the men and women who may never come home, for those who are still fighting battles, battling their demons, and those who have lost. We raise a toast to our dead, we joke about times past, and live like nothing can keep us back. We are blunt, we are honest to a fault, if you ask what we're thinking just prepare yourself lol!

After all these years these memories still hold on just by simply walking out the door of my apartment and breathing in the air.

Communicating Sucks

Simple title, but it is the truth. Communicating sucks and it is never easy to say to someone else what is bothering you or that when there is long breaks in communication that doesn't help in friendship. However the reality of this, there will always be breaks in communication and people may never truly tell you what is going on within the context of the situation. In my opinion explaining what is happening though is maturity, telling someone that when they break in communicating with you that bothers you. This requires maturity on both sides, but more so when it comes to the individual who feels that the lack of communication is hurting them. While a person may say one thing yet does not communicate later it can still hurt the other party because what they perceive and what they desire. It's not easy for me with handling long breaks in communication and for me anything longer than eighteen hours is difficult, do not ask me why this just seems to be my threshold.

The longer the break in communication the more difficult it becomes and the more doubt creeps in which becomes increasingly challenging for me to clear my head and focus. Gosh this is frustrating. People who don't know me as well may see this as self-destructing behavior however it is something deeper than that. The value that my friendships hold to me may not be what others would understand, every friendship has a special place and value for me yet if these are not communicated it damages the other person and myself. For some people the way communication works for me may seem a bit over the top or too much. This is challenging as everything that has taken place within the context of my life yet not pointing back at the past and justifying why this is how I communicate, but also going forward and learning how to communicate effectively and efficiently while maintaining friendships and relationships.

Sooooooo how do we move forward in this? Well first it comes to recognizing where we have been and understanding why we have certain tendencies with communicating and other areas of our lives, next it figuring out how to change our way of communicating and how we respond when there is breaks in communication, and lastly put this into action. Be mature when communicating and knowing how to respond acting accordingly when there is challenges with friends. This is painful to write because it shows me areas in my life where there is room for improvement and how to a better person, handling relationships better with all types of people, and knowing how they communicate.

It never ceases to amaze at how God uses different times in our lives to grow us and it just so happens he is using relationships with friends to mature me, making me a better person and a better Christian. Forgive me as I am still human and sometimes there are false expectations placed on others which should not be there by demanding that they talk to me. Ugh. Forgive me Lord. I pray this helps others who struggle with communicating, those who don't know me well you now have a better understanding of my method of communication.

Take care and God Bless!

Unknowns and Me

In the past two months or so it seems there have been several different times when it seems like there are variables beyond my control which influence decisions that will be made in my future, so much that it seems maddening because when one is laid down another jumps up and takes its place. I cannot describe what this has been like besides just short of being in Iraq again, it is the only thing that comes close to what this semester has been. For lack of a better term "Rollercoaster" and an emotional one at that. A lot of my good friends lately have been commenting on my ability to persevere or that I have a strong spirit or I'm stronger than I think I am which is appreciated. What they don't see is when I'm alone in my apartment filled with pent up frustrations because of life and the circumstances which are being thrusted upon me, or when like today waking up at 4am an unable to fall back to sleep. If you know me well enough then you know how much of a struggle it is for me when there are unknown variables, it has become an ever increasing challenge as of late and frankly I wonder in pure amazement how I am still here standing upright.

Nothing seems to go as planned, that is about the only thing right now which is the one consistent piece in my life aside from my relationship with God, family, and friends. Truthfully those are my support networks in which my strength comes from because they know me better than I know myself at times. Unknowns are by far the biggest challenge, they create a frustration which only a few things in life can create for me and the reality they keep jumping up, they are in my face. Last night a good friend and I spent several hours trying to repair a gas leak in my vehicle in the process we found that my steering rack is leaking power steering fluid. This is exactly what has been happening since the start of this semester, go looking at one thing and then find another. How on this green earth do we handle these situations because frankly it has been driving me nuts. It amazes me that here I am just a little over half way through the semester and somehow someway it hasn't come toppling down in a giant mess.

Maybe this isn't so much a theme for this semester maybe it has been for this year, just a thought. Whatever the case maybe there is only so much which can be accomplish within the context of a normal twenty-four hour day. Is it to much to ask for one whole month where nothing crazy happens and life can go smoothly on thereby allowing me to focus on school work. As much as I am writing this for myself in order to process truthfully this is me coming before God publicly because while praying alone, letting others know they aren't alone in there struggles as well, and being vulnerable.

One thing which was recently shared with me was the idea of a silent retreat, going to a place where you can just go and not have to interact with people a lot or even talk within certain areas. Probably one of the best things which I've done for myself since coming down to Minneapolis for schooling. My time down here has been very challenging with many obstacles and now as the time in coming for graduation, my final semester of registering for classes. My thoughts now are, "It's going to take a miracle for me to graduate if this continues." Never before in my academic career has there been such a challenge as this semester has been, it continually amazes me just that here I am.

If I were to be open and honest with my readers this is one of those times where I doubt in making it, where I doubt in the ability to finish. It has been that trying of a semester. I look for God, looking for the little things, but also in the bigger picture and that is the harder part. because right now the word is patience and let tell you what I detest that word, I loathe it. People say just be patient. Do you have any idea what you're saying ?!?!?!?!?! Do people actually use their brain before engaging their mouth.... This is like in that part in the movie when the main character realizes not only does he have to embrace the possibility of failing, but give it his all if he is to succeed. There is no half-assing it from here on out. Balls to the wall. You have to be fully committed to your cause if you are going to succeed, you have be half-in and succeed, or two-thirds, or three quarters. It is everything or nothing. If anyone knows me, they know this I am either all in or not in at all. There is only one option and that is to be all in. Very few times will I actually withdraw completely from activities, challenges, and life because that is simply me.

So coming to the end already. Where is the next step? Don't have a clue. Hard to admit, but that's a fact. Wish there were answers, but lately there has been far more questions than answers. The hardest part is not getting cold to the point where I become detached from everything. I have been down that road before and it's cold, lonely, and sucks. So if you are reading this then pray for me. I need it now more than ever. There is no quick or easy fix in these types of situations. Other than what has already been written not much else can be said. You have my thanks for the continued support through the years and as always, "Take care and God Bless."