Well as the days turn into weeks and weeks into months I'm at the point where I want some change. Tired of being in the same old position as I've been in the past. No I'm not doing anything radical, just trying to get myself in a healthy place. I know there has been a lot of growing for me recently, but as always there is more to be done and more to be had. I don't know why, but I'm actually looking forward to the change that will be coming. No, I'm not running a fever or going crazy I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes. I would rather change then continue living this way.
Maturity. What is it ? How do we know that we as people are mature ? How can you tell if you're mature ? It's taken many months and probably honestly years to realize how much left there is for me to mature and grow as not only a person, but as a christian as well. Maturity is where you can communicate clearly with other people whether it's friends, coworkers, or family. Understanding that when there is a conflict how to resolve the conflict properly. Communication is not one of my stronger points as a person and it's rather difficult sometimes when you realize that your point isn't making any sense or you're just going in circles. Boundaries are another part of maturity. Setting boundaries in any relationship is healthy and a good thing. Boundaries are good in friendships, relationships with coworkers, relationships in which people are dating or engaged, also in our families. This has come to me recently after lots of time spent pondering what things in my life need to be changed. Frankly I have a hard time setting boundaries and that goes back to two different things. One is my personalty and the other is I haven't set many boundaries before in my life. I am not trying to make an excuse for myself, I'm simply saying it is what it is. Over the coming weeks and possibly months there will be many different times where I know I'll be challenged to set boundaries with friends.
This last part is hard.... it's hard enough that I don't want to talk about it because frankly it's been frustrating for me to see this and then admit it. Yeah I'm delaying my rambling on and on about how much I don't want to talk about this. None the less it needs to come out and here it is. Until specific things happen in my life I will not be looking for relationships of the serious nature or dating either. There is a couple reasons why this is happening, but most importantly is the fact that I'm really not ready. That's the truth and I know I've mentioned it in another blog post it's just the truth. Also where I'm at with my life is not healthy to allow myself to build a healthy relationship with someone who I would possibly consider marrying. Living at home isn't bad, but for a single guy it's just not the right time nor place to start a relationship. I know some of you probably are shaking your heads so guess what, "I don't care what you think." We are all different and for this is part of the process. This is not easy, but it's the truth. I haven't really been fair to my friends of the opposite sex. It's something that I've struggled with inside of my mind and that's looking at my female friends as possible mates. TO ALL OF YOU I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY. So here it is, "Forgive me and the truth is many if any of you did not know this was happening." Wow! Never thought I would type something like this....EVER! It's just been a part of my thought process for a long time and I'm working hard on changing it.
Why oh why do I feel like I exposed every nerve with this post ? It's like being an open book for everyone to see. I guess this is just part of being open and honest with others that you care about. I haven't decided if I like this post yet, but in reality it needed to come out. These topics needed to be talked about and that's the truth. I know it's not fun trust me I'm the guy writing this blog post and yeah this isn't my favorite thing to talk about. Oh just so y'all know Veteran's Day is on a Sunday this year, so don't expect anything special because I'll be off enjoying all the free food that day ;-)! Well another post done and man it's not exactly my favorite post that's sure.
Oh by the way I would like to hear back from everyone who reads my blog with feedback so please send an email to: bigfah@gmail.com
© Nathan Fahlin
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Maturity: Relationships
I've been thinking about a new blog post for a while and honestly this summer has been a little crazy so here I am sitting down at the computer and taking time to actually think about what I should blog about. This may seem a little odd or different, but I guess that's part of my personality.
The last couple days has made me think about maturity and all the different forms of maturity that there are in my perspective of how I look at things. A good example would be the comments that are made back and forth to my brother who knows me best and how we joke about different things. The reality is that there probably is some emotional maturing that needs to happen when it comes to how I joke with others or how I interact. I'm not afraid to admit that I still need to mature. I also know that in many other ways I'm very mature. Just this past week I ended a 3month relationship that took a lot out of me to actually end the relationship. It was struggle for me honestly and I didn't want do end it, but I knew in my heart that I needed too. I spent time praying and meditating on it for hours if not days, then the conviction came to me that things needed to end. So that's what I did, I ended the relationship and yeah it sucked. Period. End of report.
This relationship pushed me and challenged me in a lot of ways a Christian that I never a relationship would. I know there is a lot to learn from this relationship and how now I know. The reality for me lately has been that I'm a very loyal and faithful person so I'll jump head first without thinking. Therefore moving faster then what's healthy for me. Basically accelerating the pace of the relationship, but that's not the best nor the right thing to do. This will probably be one of the more challenging things that I will have to overcome. Now I'm not saying loyalty and faithfulness are not bad characteristics or traits, they just have to be used correctly. This is me owning up to my mistakes honestly and yeah it sucks, but it's the way it is. I also know that boundaries are a healthy part of relationships too. Yes, I said it boundaries are necessary for a Godly relationship to be healthy and also to stay pure for both person who are involved in the relationship.
I could go on and on about what I've learned, but there is one more thing that I want to talk about which is near and dear to my heart. There is an acronym that takes on a different aspect in relationships which causes my thought process to be dark or causing self pity. P.T.S.D. (Post traumatic stress disorder) probably one of the biggest things that frustrates me. I say it frustrates me because in every aspect of my life this acronym causes different challenges or struggles for me. That's just part of who I am and yes it sucks at times. I had a bear of time watching the fire works this 4th of July. I could hardly sit still because I was constantly watching for the fire works that were being shot off behind me and the fact that I couldn't see them made it worse. I remember thinking and no I'm not going to be politically correct here, "When will this shit just stop?!" Honestly that was my biggest struggle was not letting the fireworks dictate what I was going to do for the rest of the evening. The fact also remains that P.T.S.D. can be and is a barrier in relationships because no matter how much I would like things to go smoothly that's not always the case. There were times where the P.T.S.D. would cause me to doubt the relationship or cause me not to trust the other person in this relationship that I was in. I would lie about things that I needed to do or where I wanted to go because I didn't know if I could go without the other person freaking out. It's very challenging and will continue to be a challenge for me.
Wow where did this all come from ?! Holy molly! I didn't think that there would be this much to talk about, but I guess there was! Well another blog down and another beautiful day thanks to our Lord who provides for us and keeps us in His Hand! May God Bless you!
© Nathan Fahlin
The last couple days has made me think about maturity and all the different forms of maturity that there are in my perspective of how I look at things. A good example would be the comments that are made back and forth to my brother who knows me best and how we joke about different things. The reality is that there probably is some emotional maturing that needs to happen when it comes to how I joke with others or how I interact. I'm not afraid to admit that I still need to mature. I also know that in many other ways I'm very mature. Just this past week I ended a 3month relationship that took a lot out of me to actually end the relationship. It was struggle for me honestly and I didn't want do end it, but I knew in my heart that I needed too. I spent time praying and meditating on it for hours if not days, then the conviction came to me that things needed to end. So that's what I did, I ended the relationship and yeah it sucked. Period. End of report.
This relationship pushed me and challenged me in a lot of ways a Christian that I never a relationship would. I know there is a lot to learn from this relationship and how now I know. The reality for me lately has been that I'm a very loyal and faithful person so I'll jump head first without thinking. Therefore moving faster then what's healthy for me. Basically accelerating the pace of the relationship, but that's not the best nor the right thing to do. This will probably be one of the more challenging things that I will have to overcome. Now I'm not saying loyalty and faithfulness are not bad characteristics or traits, they just have to be used correctly. This is me owning up to my mistakes honestly and yeah it sucks, but it's the way it is. I also know that boundaries are a healthy part of relationships too. Yes, I said it boundaries are necessary for a Godly relationship to be healthy and also to stay pure for both person who are involved in the relationship.
I could go on and on about what I've learned, but there is one more thing that I want to talk about which is near and dear to my heart. There is an acronym that takes on a different aspect in relationships which causes my thought process to be dark or causing self pity. P.T.S.D. (Post traumatic stress disorder) probably one of the biggest things that frustrates me. I say it frustrates me because in every aspect of my life this acronym causes different challenges or struggles for me. That's just part of who I am and yes it sucks at times. I had a bear of time watching the fire works this 4th of July. I could hardly sit still because I was constantly watching for the fire works that were being shot off behind me and the fact that I couldn't see them made it worse. I remember thinking and no I'm not going to be politically correct here, "When will this shit just stop?!" Honestly that was my biggest struggle was not letting the fireworks dictate what I was going to do for the rest of the evening. The fact also remains that P.T.S.D. can be and is a barrier in relationships because no matter how much I would like things to go smoothly that's not always the case. There were times where the P.T.S.D. would cause me to doubt the relationship or cause me not to trust the other person in this relationship that I was in. I would lie about things that I needed to do or where I wanted to go because I didn't know if I could go without the other person freaking out. It's very challenging and will continue to be a challenge for me.
Wow where did this all come from ?! Holy molly! I didn't think that there would be this much to talk about, but I guess there was! Well another blog down and another beautiful day thanks to our Lord who provides for us and keeps us in His Hand! May God Bless you!
© Nathan Fahlin
Saturday, July 21, 2012
The Healing, The Hope, The Love, The Redpemtion
Okay so this hit me after coming home from the rifle range today. As I sat driving home the lyrics just washed over me and it hit me. The truth of the matter is that we all have "Beautiful Scars" and our job as Christ Followers is to allow Jesus to use those scars to minister to the needs and wounds of others. With that said I'm going to now direct this blog toward the crowd which I believe Jesus intends to use me for.
It's my guess that most veterans don't believe in God, but for me I do...... I 100% believe in God and that he can use anything that we've been through or experienced in our life for good. I spent a few years wondering and thinking why did I go through all of my experiences in Iraq ? Why did it have to happen at all ? Why did it happen to me ? I realize now those questions don't matter at all and what matters now is "How can I use my experiences to help others ?"
The reality is that many veterans who've been deployed have seen or done things that can cause issues for years to come. Myself was wounded by an I.E.D. and after my tour I crawled into a bottle for almost 6 months. The P.T.S.D. and T.B.I. aren't easy to deal with on your own...... they suck! I spend years thinking that I was okay, that I didn't need help, and then one day the realization struck me. I remember that day just as well as the day I was injured in Iraq.
There is hope, there is healing, there is love, and there is redemption from our experiences of war. I dare you to think there is not because what God has done in my life is proof that there is hope, there is healing, there is love, and there is redemption. War is ugly I get that and I can't imagine what some veterans are struggling with in terms of P.T.S.D. or T.B.I. and honestly this is the hand that is reaching back. I know some of you have been cursed out, thrown out, left for dead, and forgotten about. This veteran that is sitting here typing away this blog post wants to be there for those who are ready to be done with the pain, the memories, the nightmares.
I know that when some people read this they will probably not be happy with what I'm writing and so be it, but the truth is that there is hope and healing from the combat that we've experienced. The healing process has begun for all of us and now its our job to get well for those who need us. Our families, our friends, our significant others, and our spouses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqH6dt0H0kc
© Nathan Fahlin
It's my guess that most veterans don't believe in God, but for me I do...... I 100% believe in God and that he can use anything that we've been through or experienced in our life for good. I spent a few years wondering and thinking why did I go through all of my experiences in Iraq ? Why did it have to happen at all ? Why did it happen to me ? I realize now those questions don't matter at all and what matters now is "How can I use my experiences to help others ?"
The reality is that many veterans who've been deployed have seen or done things that can cause issues for years to come. Myself was wounded by an I.E.D. and after my tour I crawled into a bottle for almost 6 months. The P.T.S.D. and T.B.I. aren't easy to deal with on your own...... they suck! I spend years thinking that I was okay, that I didn't need help, and then one day the realization struck me. I remember that day just as well as the day I was injured in Iraq.
There is hope, there is healing, there is love, and there is redemption from our experiences of war. I dare you to think there is not because what God has done in my life is proof that there is hope, there is healing, there is love, and there is redemption. War is ugly I get that and I can't imagine what some veterans are struggling with in terms of P.T.S.D. or T.B.I. and honestly this is the hand that is reaching back. I know some of you have been cursed out, thrown out, left for dead, and forgotten about. This veteran that is sitting here typing away this blog post wants to be there for those who are ready to be done with the pain, the memories, the nightmares.
I know that when some people read this they will probably not be happy with what I'm writing and so be it, but the truth is that there is hope and healing from the combat that we've experienced. The healing process has begun for all of us and now its our job to get well for those who need us. Our families, our friends, our significant others, and our spouses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqH6dt0H0kc
© Nathan Fahlin
Monday, May 21, 2012
The Truth, The Reality, The Struggle
Well it's been quite the year for me and here I sit typing away for another blog post. The reality hit me the other day after I had been through a seminar that was put on by a couple from the church I attend. The truth resonated of the waters of Lake Superior as I spoke it.
For all the progress I've made this year and all the restoration that's happened I still struggle with letting the past be the past. The truth is that I would rather live a thousand lives as a soldier then one life as a civilian. The truth is I still would rather be back in the military then be in this life. I know what some of you are going to say and frankly now is not the time. I've been in the other life longer than I have been in this life. I realized that me wanting to be back in the military is rather selfish and let me explain why.
First off it's me going back into something that I want to do, not something that would benefit others. It would benefit to me and frankly I think a lot of people would have a hard time with it. Yeah yeah I know what some of you are going say, " You shouldn't care what others think." Which is true that I shouldn't care what others think of my decisions, but the bottom line is that I see this as a way for me to do what I've always wanted to do which was make a career of serving my country. As good as it sounds and it sounds amazing the truth is that I'm going back because I want to not because that where I should or where God wants me, but because I want to. Being a civilian sucks in my eyes................... all trash that you have deal with and the people are just well I won't go there.
Secondly if I were to head back into the military it would mean that I would pull away to a degree from all the friends that I've made since I've been back. My focus would shift away from interacting with people I care about and it would be on being the best soldier I could be. There is also an attitude shift that occurs when this happens which looks like me walking around constantly with a chip on my shoulder. Thinking that I'm better then the rest of these people out there. For a lot of my friends now you really haven't seen much of the other side of who I was if any at all.
Ugh I hate writing this stuff! It sucks! Yeah I miss the military and yes I do not enjoy being a civilian at all. This is probably one of those things that will take most of my life to readjust too! Crap I just realized what I wrote right there.I just wish this didn't have to be this way.
© Nathan Fahlin
For all the progress I've made this year and all the restoration that's happened I still struggle with letting the past be the past. The truth is that I would rather live a thousand lives as a soldier then one life as a civilian. The truth is I still would rather be back in the military then be in this life. I know what some of you are going to say and frankly now is not the time. I've been in the other life longer than I have been in this life. I realized that me wanting to be back in the military is rather selfish and let me explain why.
First off it's me going back into something that I want to do, not something that would benefit others. It would benefit to me and frankly I think a lot of people would have a hard time with it. Yeah yeah I know what some of you are going say, " You shouldn't care what others think." Which is true that I shouldn't care what others think of my decisions, but the bottom line is that I see this as a way for me to do what I've always wanted to do which was make a career of serving my country. As good as it sounds and it sounds amazing the truth is that I'm going back because I want to not because that where I should or where God wants me, but because I want to. Being a civilian sucks in my eyes................... all trash that you have deal with and the people are just well I won't go there.
Secondly if I were to head back into the military it would mean that I would pull away to a degree from all the friends that I've made since I've been back. My focus would shift away from interacting with people I care about and it would be on being the best soldier I could be. There is also an attitude shift that occurs when this happens which looks like me walking around constantly with a chip on my shoulder. Thinking that I'm better then the rest of these people out there. For a lot of my friends now you really haven't seen much of the other side of who I was if any at all.
Ugh I hate writing this stuff! It sucks! Yeah I miss the military and yes I do not enjoy being a civilian at all. This is probably one of those things that will take most of my life to readjust too! Crap I just realized what I wrote right there.I just wish this didn't have to be this way.
© Nathan Fahlin
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Whew! What a semester!
Well I guess I should do a recap of the semester lol! Well let me tell you it's been filled with plenty of trials and struggles along the way, but I'm better off now that it's ended! I just checked a grade for a class that I'm not to fond of and I actually pulled a B in a writing class and I'm not an English person when it comes it.
It's been really interesting watching everything take place throughout the semester. Doing counseling sessions for P.T.S.D. through the local Vet Center and through a Christian Counselor which both made a world of difference in my life! Both have helped me to understand what triggers reactions and flashbacks. I would not discount either one honestly. Both have been absolutely amazingly in my life and I continue to make progress!
This is the first semester that I've honestly done better then semesters past honestly. I pulled two B's which is really exciting honestly for me. I've never been an academic person so this is huge progress that has been made! I mean a B in Composition II is ridiculous for me because I've struggled so much in the past.
Enough happy go lucky stuff lol! Time for the meat and potatoes bits about the semester! During the start of my Comp II class which was an accelerated class I had a flash back on the way home from work while being followed by a cop. Boy that was an interesting day let me tell you! I have never been home while a flashback has been happening........ugh! I had to email my instructor that night because I had homework due the next day for the class which was going to happen and I ended up asking for an extension.
I do not think that I have ever been so busy through a semester as I was for this one. If I wasn't working then it was school, or counseling, or hanging out with friends. I've learned a lot this previous semester and it was rather challenging. One thing is never take a accelerated class and an online class in the same semester! That sucked and I will never do that again! As a mater of fact I will never do an online class again! A lot of progress has been made and I'm better off getting through the semester.
I'm now going to enjoy the summer weather and work as little as I can lol! I'm going watch people that I care about and have come to appreciate get married this summer. Also get to shoot my guns! Because that's what I like to do! Well I hope all of you are enjoying the weather! Take care and God Bless!
© Nathan Fahlin
It's been really interesting watching everything take place throughout the semester. Doing counseling sessions for P.T.S.D. through the local Vet Center and through a Christian Counselor which both made a world of difference in my life! Both have helped me to understand what triggers reactions and flashbacks. I would not discount either one honestly. Both have been absolutely amazingly in my life and I continue to make progress!
This is the first semester that I've honestly done better then semesters past honestly. I pulled two B's which is really exciting honestly for me. I've never been an academic person so this is huge progress that has been made! I mean a B in Composition II is ridiculous for me because I've struggled so much in the past.
Enough happy go lucky stuff lol! Time for the meat and potatoes bits about the semester! During the start of my Comp II class which was an accelerated class I had a flash back on the way home from work while being followed by a cop. Boy that was an interesting day let me tell you! I have never been home while a flashback has been happening........ugh! I had to email my instructor that night because I had homework due the next day for the class which was going to happen and I ended up asking for an extension.
I do not think that I have ever been so busy through a semester as I was for this one. If I wasn't working then it was school, or counseling, or hanging out with friends. I've learned a lot this previous semester and it was rather challenging. One thing is never take a accelerated class and an online class in the same semester! That sucked and I will never do that again! As a mater of fact I will never do an online class again! A lot of progress has been made and I'm better off getting through the semester.
I'm now going to enjoy the summer weather and work as little as I can lol! I'm going watch people that I care about and have come to appreciate get married this summer. Also get to shoot my guns! Because that's what I like to do! Well I hope all of you are enjoying the weather! Take care and God Bless!
© Nathan Fahlin
Monday, April 30, 2012
Blog 19: A Letter
Where do I begin ? I have a hard time with school because I feel that when I'm being forced to learn a specific way that I do not learn. School is always very challenging for me and yet I find some way to get through each semester.
What did I do right was choosing two very good teachers who have made a big difference for me as a student and how I interact with my instructors. They've taught me that advocating for yourself is something that I do well and I'm not afraid to ask questions.
I would not of done an online class and an accelerated class at the same time.
That I've completed college and I'm glad that I did it.
I hope that I'll forget nothing about my college experiences so I can pass it on to those who are going to college.
Nothing else follows.
Nathan
What did I do right was choosing two very good teachers who have made a big difference for me as a student and how I interact with my instructors. They've taught me that advocating for yourself is something that I do well and I'm not afraid to ask questions.
I would not of done an online class and an accelerated class at the same time.
That I've completed college and I'm glad that I did it.
I hope that I'll forget nothing about my college experiences so I can pass it on to those who are going to college.
Nothing else follows.
Nathan
Blog 18: Peer Review
Doing peer reviews is something that I'm not really a fan of because I have a hard time going through someones papers because I am not a strong writer nor am I a fan English classes. I find myself wadding through them rather then enjoying them and learning anything from them I struggle.
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