December: Seven Years & Counting

I often wonder at times why everything happened that I went through and experienced during my time in Iraq and than I remember everything good that's come from my rough past. The people, the friends, the relationships and everything under the sun. It's funny even now the memories are still just like yesterday and yes there has been a lot of healing that has taken place since those events, but with the recent addition of the tattoo, it's brought different things to light. It's just another piece of the puzzle and another step to take. Letting the old die and the new come.

This December is different than all the others and it's not that I'm alone or away at school, it's that I've never been at this point in my life where I'm confident in who I am, what I'm supposed to be doing, and where I'm being lead. In all honesty this is very exciting for me truthfully and yet there is still much to process with everything. Not that there is more questions to be answered, but because it's time to let the past be the past. Please understand that it does not define me as to who I am today yet it serves as a reminder of the places I've traveled.

It's difficult to explain, to share what happens inside a person after going through traumatic experiences and how the effects a person. I know well enough the person I am and who God is calling me to be and where he is leading me, but it's another task to stop asking why and be satisfied with not knowing as to continuing to press on in Christ Jesus. Today as I was talking with a friend and he posed a question which was, "Why do we keep asking why?" It took me a little off guard I must admit and then his response totally fit the question which was asked. After listening to my heart and to my spirit, here I am typing away.

Why do we continue to ask why? Is there some hidden meaning or purpose behind why we continue to ask for those of us who've been through traumatic experiences or experiences in our lives that people shouldn't have to go through, but do anyways. Honestly what I have found in my life is that the less I ask, "Why, " the more contentment is found because I stop questioning why everything happened and use what I've been given. I didn't ask for these experiences, but there are what they are and you can't change the past, but what you can do is trust that God will use those experiences to shape your life in a way that is indescribable. Romans 8:28 talks about this almost perfectly as Paul explains to the reader that regardless of what we as believers have been through can be used for our good by God because we love him. I'm not using exact translation, but a rough verbage to show what God does for those who love him. It's time to let the past be the past and stop living as if it was yesterday and putting one foot forward, trusting that God will guide us on a path of righteousness for his name sake.

Wow....that was an interesting post! I really hope you get something out of what is being written and I pray that God can use these words to affect your life as he's affected mine! This is my heart, my passion, and my love to help others who are walking through tough times as I've had. To give hope and a future to those who are weary as this is what Christ has given me. So I offer that to you if you don't believe in Christ. To put your faith in a man who died 2000 years ago for your sins and on that cross he died and after being in the grave for three days he rose again. This is the power of the cross, as Christ redeems our lives and transforms us into something completely new! Because, "We are a new creation in Christ; the old is gone and the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17.

Take care and God bless!!!

"The Tattoo"

Well it's been an interesting week and here I am on break from school sitting inside a warm house with the comforts of home all around. The only difference now is that I have a tattoo, yep that's right a tattoo! It's on my right forearm and on the outside so it's easy to show. After sharing briefly about why I got the tattoo, I felt the need to share more of the reasoning behind it.

Yesterday the reaction to my tattoo took me completely by surprise and almost had me in tears truthfully. As I watched in what seemed slow motion to my friends reaction and the expression on their face, I fought to hold it back, the tears, the emotions of much of a story hidden behind the words, the name engraved in my skin in ink. You see there is a story behind this and a story not many people truly know, but it's a story that I'm honored to share yet it's also difficult to talk about because it's not something that I relish in.

You see way back in 2006 in the month of September a conversation took place between two people. Of those two people, only one is here today and the other is in a better place. Those two people were Nicholas Turcotte and myself....during our time spent together we ran missions, did training, and played xbox among various other activities. There are a few conversations between the two of us that I recall like yesterday and not many other people knew that they took place. There was a few different times where we talked about either switching squads which would of put me in 1st and him in 2nd or changing leave dates with each other so he could be home for his wife's birthday.

I remember talking to him right before that fateful mission and just seeing the life in his eyes and now we as members of the platoon carry on his legacy in some way, shape, or form and for me part of that is the "tattoo." I never really understood or thought about what survivor's guilt looked like or how it was expressed through others who could, should, or otherwise died. It wasn't until I sat down with a good friend that I began to realize and understand what I had been feeling since it was Memorial Day weekend. After sitting down with him, he helped me understand how this takes place in our lives as he's a father to a son who's paralyzed from the waist down. The more we talked, the more I saw in my own heart that I wish we could of changed places or something. It was in this conversation where something was realized and there had to be a change.

It was just yesterday when I was talking to a friend about this same topic and we were discussing everything that I just put into this blog. We talked for a while it seemed and even though there are times when I think it should of been, she reminded me that it happened this way for a reason. I'm in no way taking away from his death, but sharing my own conflict inside of me. I hate to say this, but I've come to believe that maybe it was his time and mine wasn't yet to come which is hard to grasp or understand even as a Christian, it's just one of those things you take on faith. You can ask why till you are blue in the face, but you won't know the answer this side of eternity. This is the conflict within me, it's not something that is taken lightly nor brushed away easily. This is the story of the "Tattoo." This does not just belong to me, but to the one whose name I bore on my arm.

New Surroundings and Me

Well I think it's time for a blog post as it's been a while and this semester has quite interesting for me honestly. In all truthfulness it's been a challenge in many ways that I did and did not expect or anticipate. It's taught a lot about myself and what are the challenges that I still face which is good because it shows me that there is much learning left to do. In many ways next semester will be interesting to see how it pans out and how I handle the situations which will arise.

Probably the biggest challenge for me has been the fact that I've not been steady at a single church and it's taken time to find one that still fits what I'm looking for. August into part of September I attended Hope Community and while that was good, it left me looking for something more or maybe that was me. For the rest of September through the entire month of October I would visit other churches in the area, hoping to find what I was looking for. To find a place where I can be me and connect with people. Ugh so much time and effort has gone into this that it's almost like a chore trying to find where you are supposed to be. So this coming Sunday I'm going back to Hope Community to give it another shot as it may very well be the best option and it's very close to campus which is a big bonus.

The second challenge for me is the "christian community" called North Central and the closeness of the campus. This would lead me to feeling claustrophobic at times and prolonged times away from the school and downtown area which was good, but at the same made it tougher for me. I saw this because it really challenged me when I would come back because of the constant noise and the people. I had to teach myself to become okay with being surrounded by noise and people constantly, but I've also needed to take time for me. This meant taking drives away from campus and being around people who I don't see weekly which turns out to be something I like. It allows me to be me and it's healthy to get away from the campus environment.

Oddly enough this challenge for me would have to do with my experiences and where I've been because of the choices which I made when I was younger and truthfully it's another learning process because of the surroundings. PTSD sucks plain and simple. With that said the new circumstances have been interesting to deal with and yeah the flares have been challenge because of the new triggers or triggers which I didn't know about. There is always a certain amount of learning that happens when you are dealing with something like this because you're constantly changing how you handle the triggers, situations, and reactions. So yeah it's like relearning things all over again because of the new environment which you are being thrusted into.

So here I am a week away from my 30th birthday and finally feel like my feet are being planted firmly so I'm very happy with that! It gives me some rigidity to my daily life and if you know me long enough, you know I like routines. So here's to the second half of the semester! Take care and God Bless!!

Love: What Is It

When we talk about love we seem to think that it's all mushy and cute, but the reality is it's not always so and takes a lot of effort, time, and energy. Today I was talking to an older gentleman and we were talking about how young people today love before they are ready, I'm just as guilty of this as anyone. The reality is we have a tendency to love before our time, to try and say that we are ready to love completely and selflessly. I understand that there is there are exceptions to this rule, but that's not what I want to talk about here.

In our culture, society, and everywhere else in our country for the most part even on my college campus from what I can we have a problem with loving before we ready. You see love is beautifully complex and that's the way it's meant to be, it's not something that is easily understood, or can be comprehended by the lack of wisdom both emotionally and from experiences. Because we like to think we know love what is all about, but the truth is we don't have a clue most of us. I know for me it's something that I've tried to figure out myself, but I'm no closer than I was when I first started dating honestly. I don't really know how else to put this or how else to describe what's happening. Our culture breeds something that isn't love at all, it's not even close to what love is. It's based upon getting our needs met and not about meeting the needs of our significant other first, it's pure selfishness. To put in bluntly we need to remove our head from our asses and look at people in our lives who have been married for years, have lived through trials together, and are still married. Then and only then we can begin to understand what love is.

To often we get fixated on what we are being told we should have versus what we should be doing. I know, I know I'm beating a dead horse, but whatever. I want people to learn from my mistakes so they don't repeat the same thing I did in my younger years, to be better then what I was. Please don't ask me what love is because the only definition I'll tell you what true love is, is the love that God showed us while we were still sinner and sent his son to die on the cross for us. That's the best I can do for you, but before we go on thinking we are ready to love we need to ask ourselves, "Am I ready to put someone else first?" Talk to friends, mentors, people who know you before you make mistakes and also know that you will make mistakes so don't beat yourself up. Show yourself grace because in the long run you will need all the grace you can get.

Why We Fight

Being that today is the 20th anniversary of the Battle of Mogadishu or what is commonly known as BlackHawk Down this is a fitting blog topic. There are a lot of questions surrounding this topic for those who do not understand why people go off to war. So hopefully in the time it takes to complete this blog post the readers will have a better idea of what is going through someones mind who joins the military.

For most of us in the military especially the Infantry and other combat arms units along with all the other jobs within the military you will find a varying degrees of why people decided to join the military. But at the core of their heart is something all together special. That is something which cannot be defined by words or comprehended as it is hard wired into the individual. Within their heart is a deep love for their country and what they are leaving behind them and knowing it's worth putting their lives on the line to protect what they have grown to love. You see it's not about what's it front of military, but what's behind them that pushes them forward, that gives them the strength to plunge head first into danger without a second. They fight for a country that they love, a place they call home, for a family that is waiting anxiously for their return. That same family who gets the news that their hero didn't make it, that they died fighting for what they believed in. I can't begin to tell you what's that like or even begin to comprehend something like that.

War is often fought by young men in their prime and give up their best years to give their country their lives in service to her. Not sure how else to explain this truthfully as it's hard to explain to people what it means to sacrifice something for a cause which is bigger then we are. I think truthfully we who have gone and come back realize more so the cost, the reason, and what motivates us when we come home as we have lost brothers and sisters in these cruel conflicts which we fight in. We honor our fallen in a manner that to some is odd by going to their graves and having a beer with them or by talking to them as if they were right there with us. We pour out what is left inside of us and long for something bigger then ourselves a cause of our own. To stand side by side with men who given it their all and are willing to stand toe to toe with the threats that face. To fight for what they love their country, their family, their friends, their freedom.

I know for myself and this is easy to admit, but to walk it out is something all together difficult which is if there was a time and I was still able that I would make a stand for what I believe in. Not for myself, but for my country, my freedoms, and my family. I would rather live one day as a lion then a thousand days as a sheep. To step in and face adversity as I once did with my brothers for a cause greater then I. If that day does not come then so be it, but my warrior spirit does not fade if only for a season as it still burns bright. The focus for today is just different now and my purpose is something greater then myself and something that burns inside of me.

Take care and God Bless!

Sanctification Part 2

The process to become holy, pure, without blemish, to be without fault, to be prefect. These are just some of the words that might come up if you were to look up the word sanctification. For most of us we have different thoughts or opinions on what this process may look and for the most part it's very different at how we go through this process. What I'm going to do is detail what the process looks like for me and how I go through this. There are others who are in my life and God continues to use these individuals in powerful ways.

The reason behind this post is something that has recently taken place in my life and my good friend Tiff helped me shed light on an area that was or very could be problematic if not dealt with swiftly. You see the problem was that there wasn't light being shed on all the areas within me or specific areas which I would allow or not allow. This makes it difficult for a person to be always understand what's going with themselves and why we as disciples of Jesus should always be in community with other followers. What took place over the course of the next 10-15 minutes were the results of me reading and listening to my spirit while Tiff was texting me. What this allowed me to do was look within myself, to be self aware and to see other possible areas that may or may not be an issue later down the road. During the course of the conversation she was able to point out some key flaws in my thinking and using the biblical sources accompanied with the knowledge she has it became very clear to me that there was an issue within me. The problem was pride and unwilling to surrender to God areas of my life where "my judgement was good enough." I was terribly mistaken.

So after we had finished texting it had become apparent that there was need of repentance which came willing after realizing what was going on. As I began to pray and let the Holy Spirit search me, what came forth was shocking to me. Realizing that pride was an issue, not surrendering had crept in, and here I was in the middle of a sticky situation already. Now I'm dealing with my own junk which is far more then enough for myself. "I believe there is something within me that needs to be removed and because of my actions or attitudes something isn't right. The initial thought is that there are still parts which I'm not surrendering to God and holding on my own. Doing my way not his way. Therefore it's a pride issue and maybe arrogance too. The more I reflect the more I see something unhealthy brewing which needs to be rooted out because it has no place. It's the sanctification process being worked out continually. It's that all have sinned and have fallen short and this is me falling short. This is my pride getting in the way of what maybe best for me and what God wants for me. So should I be punished yes, did I break the policy yes. This is thine will vs my will. Ultimately I must surrender to God to continue the work he has for me. To continue to follow his path for my life. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." I was rather appalled by such words coming out and now it makes sense to why I was sensing uneasiness in my spirit. Prior this I had a very similar conversation with two friends which I've made since coming to school. Regardless of how seasoned we are as Christians we always need to remember who we are comparing ourselves to and why it's a relationship not a religion that we have. What a weekend so far! Grateful for the mercies which are new each and everyday!!!

Well that's all for me today people! I hope and pray that you will find some understanding of what the process of sanctification looks like. Take care and God Bless!!

Pain In The Night

Pain In The Night

We go off to war
We fight for our country
We bleed, we break, we die
We ask nothing in return, give freely to oppressed

Left behind our part of who we are
Lost in the battle we are
Nothing replaces the pieces we lost
We pick up our lives, the pieces we've left behind

Gone is the joy, the happiness, gone is our lives
We've sacrificed it all, bodies beaten, torn, and broken we return home
Our families struggle to grasp what we went through
Screams in the night, memories relived, the ugliness of war stays with us.

Saratoga WarHorse Experience: Part 2

As many of you know I recently returned from New York for a short three day trip which allowed me to share with people who've donated their time, money, and energy into a program that uses retired thoroughbred racehorses in a way to help veterans reconnect with life outside the military. The trip was amazing! The hospitality of the men and women who welcomed us into their establishments, into places where it's a little more difficult to get into.

So back in July I had gotten an email from Janelle asking if I would be available to fly out to New York for a few days to share my experience in a few different venues, to spread the word about this amazing program and what takes places when that connection is made. When I refer to the "connection" it's not like we would think, but something deeper inside of the veteran and the thoroughbred they are working with, something is wakening in that moment. There is something mystical about this connection, that spurs emotional healing in the veterans that have participated in this program. That is why we share our experiences about this amazing program and this is why I returned to Saratoga Springs just a week ago. The more we are able to spread word about this program, tell others, to promote the work this program is doing. You see this isn't meant to be kept secret, but to be shared as to help as many veterans possible.

My buddy and I arrived in New York right around 1:30 pm on Sunday afternoon and from there we got some idea of what would be taking place for the rest of the day. We piled into the cars and made our way to the hotel where we would be able to relax for an hour, then make our way to dinner. Dinner was in downtown Saratoga Springs at the Crown Grill and let me say this, "It was amazing!" Everything from the dinner to quality of people we had the pleasure of serving us, heck even the owners came to meet us. Besides the jokes and all the laughter probably the funniest thing came when yours truly ordered a second 8oz Black Angus Steak medium rare.....the waitress came back with it saying the cook was wondering if there was something wrong with the first one they served me. The problem was it wasn't big enough lol!, 8 ounces of pure meat heaven that was and the sauce just brought out the flavor in the meat even more.We had a great time over dinner and all the jokes, laughter, and fun just made the evening more relaxing.The rest of the evening was spent walking around Saratoga and we had a blast. Conversations ranged from taking jabs at each to time spent in the military, tours of duty, and the like.

Monday consisted of something all together special and it was truly enjoyable, from the time the day started and until it ended. We promptly got to the race track around 7:30 am and yours truly didn't find sleep until close to midnight lol! Once we got to the track we walked right up to the track where all the horses were exercising and being right next to them practically. Nothing was spared this trip at all, full treatment was given as it was truly an awesome experience. Seeing the horses in full motion and watching the pure strength, speed, and stamina in the cool morning air was awe inspiring. These animals truly unique in how they are bred for this sport....the power within them they hold, the bond between animal and jockey. After a while we went back to the hotel and crashed for bit before heading back to the race track to watch the races take place later that day. For the short time we spent at the track in the afternoon, it was amazing as we got to see the jockey room where the jockeys prepare before a race, and where they keep the "colors" which are silks for the jockey, horse, and they symbolize who the trainer is. It was kinda of ridiculous because going where we went, you had to be somebody to go there and here we are just a bunch of veterans seeing all these unique places......such a privilege. After a couple races again we headed back to the hotel for some time to relax before the banquet later that night.

Wow....where do I start? The whole purpose of the banquet was to honor our donors, people who have given of their time, money, and effort into the program which makes it possible for veterans like myself go through it. You see as participant of the program there wasn't a single cost hardly attributed to me as they paid for my plane ticket, hotel room, food, and took care of me while I was out there. There is much that happens behind the scenes where we don't truly understand what is going on and so on this day we were honoring those people. The little bit of what I'm going to share about the banquet is one of the coolest things I heard about the time was from the very people we came to honor was, "The level of authenticity which was here, we haven't experienced before." The meaning behind this is that we don't ware masks as veterans, we show the world who we are, we aren't afraid to tell what we feel only when it comes counseling which is a pit fall. Everyone of us told stories of our own, shared our experiences which we had during the program which has continued to impact us and our daily lives. We were blessed by an unexpected late arrival of Anthony Kerns of the Irish Tenners who blessed with two songs, Danny Boy and Amazing Grace. Everything was done right and to the "t."

If you are looking to get involved in supporting a program that actually works and helps our nations veterans then I would encourage you to check our Saratoga WarHorse as the program is proven and the people are real. They are straight up, truthful, and do what they set out to do! They know what works and have something that goes beyond therapy and counseling. There slogan at Saratoga WarHorse:
 
Please I ask of you if you are willing to donate then please do! This program works, it's not fake!
Take care and God bless!!

http://saratogawarhorse.com/

New Beginning

A few weeks back a friend and I had some words about what might it look like for me going to North Central and what we concluded was it's truly a new beginning. Minus knowing a few people on campus, I know absolutely no one, not a single soul, zip. Now the hard part is leaving behind everything that can be left behind and show people who I truly am and just everything that's Nathan not the war veteran. You see over the course of the last three years there has a been a lot of changes in my life and there continues to be changes happening in who I am, my personality, character, and maturity.

Here I am now finishing this blog up just twelve days till the move in day for North Central and just a short six days till I'm back in New York for round. Life has been good and the summer has been enjoyable as I've been able to visit with people who have made an impact upon my life. It's crazy cause just seven months ago I was applying to North Central, then around the 26th of February I was accepted there, and now I'm moving to North Central. In just about every essence this will be a complete restart. New area with tons of new faces, new community of believers, and a new beginning.

I'm not really sure what else there is to say truthfully as yesterday the goodbyes have started as there are many people within the community which I'm currently that won't see me again before I leave for school. It's truly been a pleasure to get to know each and every single one of them. God has used them mightily in my life and for that I am ever grateful! There will not be another group of people like this nor will any community replace this community. The truth there will never been another period in my life like this, but what took place within this community is something all together special. There has been a lot of good times, some hard times, and a few ugly times. But there has been lots of laughter which outweighs all the ugly times. In truth there was at a deeper level a connection with these men and women as their understanding of grace and love was and is beyond my comprehension as I'm still learning to walk in it myself. You see these men and women here along with their families were more then just a group of people who I saw on Sunday or Saturday, but people who I did life on life with. A community of believers on a mission from the same God, to seek and save the lost, hurting, and broken. Because without Christ we are all broken, lost, and hurting. I could name people off, but that's not what needs to happen. They know who they are and how God has and is continually using them.

Hopefully I will continue to blog through out my time at North Central and wherever God decides to take me next. There is absolutely nothing that cannot be accomplished by my God and to that I say, "The skies the limit," this is because of the power which is in Christ. As always I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed putting it out there. Take care and God Bless!!!

Nathan

Loss

Never in my life have I known someone so short, yet feel the loss of their friendship so profoundly. These are the words that are running through my brain tonight.

The truth of the matter is the circumstances surrounding the friendship had changed rather quickly and unbeknownst to me it was ending. I don't know how else to say this, but it sucks losing a friendship and when that happens there is a certain loss I feel. The unexpected and unexplained loss is all apart of this life that we live in whether its the loss of a relationship, loved one, friend, pet, or whatever it is. The reality is there are things out of our control and these things happen. Right now a good buddy of mine is going through something that is incredibly tough with watching his father slowly fall due to cancer that is aggressive and malicious in how he's taking his fathers life.

You see there is loss all around us in this world and at times there is nothing we can do to stop it from happening. But what we need to stop and relish in the time we've been given with those people in our lives. Whether the loss is quick and sudden or slowly and painfully drawn out.

I continue to remark at my buddy as he goes through this stage with his father. His courage to do what needs to be done, strength to continue to work and be there for others is an inspiration even when he's drained from all this. He is truly an unique individual and someone whom I've admired for what he's gone through in his life. He's an awesome man and an amazing Christian and someone whom I'm proud to call my friend.

What I'm trying to say here is we as people, need to truly treasure the relationships, friendships, and the people in our lives for we will never know when that will end. Either in the ending of a life or the death of a friendship, relationship, or a marriage for whatever the reason maybe.

Take care and God bless!!

"Missing you"

Today is the day we remember those who've written and cashed that check for their country. Their country called and they answered, not questioning the reasons knowing it was their duty. The sacred duty of protecting this country and those who live in it. It is the soldier who has given us the freedom of speech, religion, and the life we have in this country.

Honestly, I haven't had to much time to think about today and the lose which I experienced. Truthfully Memorial Day isn't just a day, it's a day to remember the sacrifices of the many who have died for our country. Just like Jesus dying on the cross for our lives because this is the only story to reflect and compare to what these soldiers, sailors, airmen, and the marines who have died have done for us. 

As I sit here in church pounding away on my phone, I think about you. Nicholas Turcotte, you were someone special truly, a person who could bring joy to a crappy day or situation. To crack a joke and have everyone laugh. Man I miss you dude, it's been hard at times knowing that you're gone. Bud, I know you're in a better place and for that I'm grateful, but it still hurts at times knowing that you're gone. Missing you.

Take care and God bless!! Please remember the sacrifices which have been made for our country. 

Saratoga Gazette: WarHorse helps heal invisible wounds

Veterans paired with retired thoroughbreds

By Tatiana Zarnowksi
Gazette Reporter

    Who knew Butter could bring Nathan Fahlin relief from anxiety and anger that plagued him after his deployment to Iraq? Fahlin, a 29 year old Nation Guard veteran, was skeptical when he arrived at a Wilton stable to take part in Saratoga WarHorse. The three-day program in natural horsemanship, sometimes referred to as horse whispering, pairs struggling veterans with retired thoroughbreds. The connection is designed to release the stress vets have bottled inside themselves.

    Fahlin, of Duluth, MN., had found some healing for his post-traumatic stress disorder through counseling with a Lutheran pastor and from long talks with Vietnam veterans at his church. But he said it was his connection to Butter, a retired chestnut gelding originally called Three Lions and later nicknamed for his calm demeanor, that brought Fahlin a deep peace that has continued since the weekend in December when he went to Willow Run Stable for Saratoga WarHorse. "It's like part of yourself dies when you go to war, and everything begins to reawaken when you to go this program," he said.
    It's an experience that has been repeated with 70 veterans since November 2011, about half from the local region and half flown in from other states.
    Vietnam veteran Bob Nevins, a medevac pilot with the 101st Airborne Division who was wounded in action in 1971, founded the program partially in response to the rise in suicides among U.S. military personnel since the post-9/11 wars. Suicides of service members rose to a record 349 last year, according to a January report by the Associated Press.
    "The invisible wounds are more detrimental than the visible ones," Nevins said.
    He sees veterans who feel broken, closed off from the rest of the world.
    "They come in very skeptical, because they can't feel, they can't connect," he said. We send a kid to war; when he comes back we've got to take care of him."
Giving Back
   He initially spent his own money to care for the horses, fly veterans to the Capital Region, feed them, and put them up in a hotel. Now, donations sustain the $2,500 cost per veteran, and the group aims to raise enough money to open a permanent, self contained center that could serve 700 veterans a year. Currently, the organization borrows space at Willow Run Stable, and some of the seven horses are stabled elsewhere.
    Nevins expects the organization's 501(c)(3) application to be designated "pending" in the next few weeks, which will allow it to accept tax-deductible donations.
    Nevins has been recognized for his community service work. He was honored in April as the Capital Region's 2013 Jefferson Award medalist and will travel to Washington next month to represent the region at a national ceremony.
    Nevins is quick to emphasize that Saratoga WarHorse is not designed as therapy or rehabilitation and is not competing with traditional treatment programs or the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. But the program changes people, leading to emotional breakthroughs their therapists and loved ones notice, he said.
    Program organizers believe the connection with the horses changes the veterans' brain chemistry.
    "The researchers are very interested in what we're doing because they that there's something that's happening in the brain that's making this happen," Nevins said.
    Gordon Shade of Clifton Park knows something changed in his brain when he connected with Whiskey, a quarterhorse gelding.
    Be he went to Saratoga WarHorse, Shade was ready to die. Post-traumatic stress disorder had plagued Shade, now 44, since he got of the Navy in 1994. He had severed six years the first two in a construction battalion and the last four as a SEAL, he said.
    Afterward, he would wake up screaming from nightmares. He wouldn't go outside, got anxious going to the grocery store and has been unable to work the past 15 years. He cut ties with most of his family and friends.
    And despite seeing a psychiatrist for the past eight years and being on medication, his marriage was suffering.
    So when doctors diagnosed a precancerous tumor on his pancreas several months ago, he decided he wouldn't have surgery, even if it turned cancerous.
    "I was going to let it go, and I wanted to die," he said.
    But his wife, Karyn found out about Saratoga WarHorse and called Nevins.
    "I was like, 'What is this horse thing going to do for me?" Shade recalled.
    He wouldn't go, but Nevins kept calling Karyn once a week for months, asking how her husband was doing. Finally, his curiosity gave in and went through his class in December.
    "I broke down, and I don't know what happened, but something lifted off my shoulders that I've been carrying for 20-something years," he said. It's like the horse forgave me."
    Finally, he felt there was something to live for. So on Jan. 8, he underwent 17 hours of surgery to remove the precancerous tumor. Afterward, doctors told him if he hadn't done so, the tumor would have quickly progressed and probably killed him within a few months.
    Since the class, he has stopped seeing his psychiatrist and stopped medication  and feels better than ever. He no longer yells at his wife. He's starting to reconnect with some family and old friends and was planning to attend a family reunion this weekend.
DAY OF RENEWAL
     Saratoga WarHorse classes take place once a month, and May's class starts today.
     On the night before the class starts, veterans are screened by a psychiatric nurse and meet Nevins at the hotel. The next morning, they come to the stable, a peaceful farm on Gurn Springs Road near Exit 16 of the Northway that nevertheless looks and sounds worlds away from the rushing traffic.
     First, the veterans learn about the program and about the horsemanship. They learn the retired racehorses are themselves adjusting to being on the farm, far from their regimented training and racing schedule, Lane said.
     Then comes the connection. The directions are simple and the effect profound.
     Human and horse go together into a ring, and the horse follows its instincts to find a way out, said Marilyn Lane, director of equine operations and acquisitions for the program.
     "Every new person is a new predator," said Lane, a writer who trained horses for 20 years.
     The veterans are taught about herd mentality, how to read horses' body language and how the horses will interpret the veterans' body language.
     "You can teach a person where to hold their eyes, how to position themselves," Lane said.
     To start, the person asserts dominance by walking in quick, tight circles in the center of the ring and flapping a long lead in the horse's direction, making it run faster around the outside of the ring. A few minutes tick by, and the horse realizes there's no way out. It dips it's head, signaling it accepts the person as leader.
     The veteran slows to a more relaxed walk, snapping the lead fewer times. The horse slows, too and lowers it's head again. Finally the person stops walking and turns halfway away from the horse, head lowered in a passive gesture.
     The horse stops, it's muscles visibly relaxing. It then crosses the ring, walks to the veteran and stands, trusting now, at the person's side, often lightly touching it's nose to the person's shoulder.
     Everyone involved with the program says words can't describe the power of the connection between human and horse at that moment.
    Veterans whose feelings have been bottled up for decades break down in tears when the horse crosses into the corner into the center of the ring and nuzzles them, as well as when the veteran takes a few steps and the horse follows.
    Lane has seen veterans open up when they come out of the ring.
    "When they walk out of the round pen, they'll tell you think they wanted to do as a kid," Lane said.
   The experience is so different from talk therapy, in a way Fahlin felt was because more powerful because he was communicating without words.
   "You're just used to talking about your experiences and how they made you feel," Fahlin said. "I almost feel suffocated or I'm trapped in my own mind."
   He's not trapped anymore. Fahlin is focused now on entering a private Christian college this fall to study to become a minister and help other veterans.
   His friends have said they see a change in him since he came back from Saratoga WarHorse. He seems calmer, less angry.
   "I don't react," he said. "I think through things differently."
________________________________________________________________________________

This is an article done on the program Saratoga WarHorse in which I had the privilege to partake in and share my experiences. I am very grateful for the work that was done and what this program is doing, while there maybe many options for veterans this is one I would highly recommend. The people are amazing, the program is unbelievable, and the horses are the hidden treasure! I would not give anything for this experience nor any of the experiences which I've had.

Please if you have questions, comments, or anything that you don't get go ahead and ask. I will do my best to answer them, although this article does a very good job at highlighting what happens in that three day weekend. With that said, Take care and God bless! Good night!!

Mindset

Well here we go again lol! Another blog and an in-depth look at what's going in my life. This just recently came up too, so everything is still very fresh in my mind. As to how I'm going to explain this will be interesting  and how others will relate to this topic.

So let's talk Mindsets and how they can be helpful and how they can hurt us. The first mindset I'm going to talk about it the military mindset of that of a trained soldier. You see whether you're in the Army, Marines, Navy, or Air Force we all have been trained and in some sense conditioned to give a certain response to situations we face. Whether it's training or an actual combat deployment there is a response that is beaten into our heads so that we can survive and to help protect others around us. You see as an Infantryman for just about every situation we face in combat we have a response which has been trained into from our constant training. A very simple look at this is how we react as a unit when we are on a foot patrol and ambushed by the enemy. In seconds everyone is diving for cover, getting on line, returning fire with any means necessary, and then the hand grenades go out, which is followed by us assaulting through the ambush continuing to return fire. This is how the military works, you see you're trained to respond to situations like that because everyone's life including your own depends on that.

I can continue to go on and on with lists of responses we as soldiers are conditioned by training to respond, but here's the hard for reality for soldiers who aren't going to be fighting anymore is you don't need this training. It's not completely useless anymore, but reacting to an ambush near or far serves no purpose in this world or how to detect a land mine by only using a wooden dole. I know it's hard to understand, but there is just so much more rehabilitation that has to happen for a veteran to be able to readjust properly into this world again. It's a constant battle of the mind and the retraining which needs to happen and it's not easy either. There are times like right now for me where the retraining of the mindset are very challenging because it's been a way of thinking for so many years and now now it serves very little purpose so it needs to go. 

This is what it looks like for me, " So.... The issue with comfort/control/military.... Pray on this ... The military is a lot of what you know . It is recent and it was ingrained into your psyche, more so it was pounded into it. Therefore, it stands to reason it would continue to come up. It is the way your brain was completely wired for thought process. And naturally those in the military or who relate to it would be the same. Now you take Saturday and what God did in the evening on the floor and you have a war on your  hands (Eph 6:10-20) God created in you something new. It does not relate to the mind or psyche at all. It is a condition of heart. A heart that now belongs to God and not the military. God is rewiring you from the heart up. Mark 12:30 ... Heart comes first with God then soul, then mind. God, in all of us, wants to relate to all things through the heart first. The military trained you one way ... God is going to train you and is training you in another, totally different, way!!"

Well there it is in a nutshell... Hope you enjoyed reading this. Take care and God bless! Have a wonderful day and enjoy it!!

© Nathan Fahlin 16May13 09:36am

Saratoga Warhorse: My Experiences

Early on after returning from New York I thought that writing a blog about this would take away from the experience, but truthfully not doing the blog has taken away from not allowing others to understand what transpired during my time out there. Tonight I'm going to take you on an adventure and share with you my experiences. There is a lot of information and hopefully I can put it all into words for you so you will have an understanding of what happened.

Just picture a three day weekend vacation and that's what this was like, but instead of relaxing you work with horses. In the process of working with these amazing creatures you begin to realize parts of you that were dead are now they are coming to life.

Well I hoped that grabbed your attention because that's just the beginning. It all started for me by a text message from an Army brother who I served with in Iraq and he said, " You need to check this program out." Within a couple of days I had already made contact with the head of the program Bob Nevins and we had talked at length about what the program was all about and what it's designed to do. Honestly there was a some hesitation on my part, but I still said yes and agreed to come out for the weekend. As the time came closer I began to prepare for my adventure and the traveling not fully knowing what was in store for me. My flight left Minneapolis at like 7:30am on Friday morning and I had a connecting flight in Philadelphia to finally get to Albany, New York. When I finally arrived in Albany I was met by Brian who was a Marine Platoon Leader in Vietnam. I'll never forget his first words to me in his New York accent was, "Do you need to use the powder room?" I laughed inside hard about that one for a while and even now I get a smile out of those words. We jumped in his car and made the drive up to Saratoga Springs minus a pit stop at Chili's for an excellent lunch!

We finally arrived at the hotel where I would be staying and from there I met a few of the other vets I would be working with along with Bob and Sharon who's the on staff nurse practitioner. After a quick meet and greet with everyone I did an interview with Sharon which as probably of some my readers can imagine is quite intrusive if you know what I mean. Poking, prodding, and lots of questions coupled with comments about your experiences during your time overseas along with what you've done for healing, counseling, and therapy. Sharon is quick to the point or at least that's what I recall about my interview and I found it very easy to talk to her. From there we all headed out to the farm where the horses are and to meet the rest of the staff that we would be working with. There's Melody and Val who are the horse managers and instructors.....both were a pleasure to work with and laugh with(we did a lot of that Saturday night!).
There's Janelle who handles what it seemed everything and anything that needed taken care of and simply put a joy to work with also be around. The vets included Shane, Gordy, myself, Jason, and Roman. We all have our own experiences from our time in the military along with our deployments in our respective theaters ranging from Iraq to Afghanistan and probably other places. Out of this crowd Gordy quickly took the roll of class clown and had us laughing within minutes of meeting him. Jason was the quieter one of the crowd while Shane, Roman, and myself were all quick to make conversations with everyone around us or so it appeared to me at least.

After mingling around for a few minutes the itinerary was explained and how things would go from here on out and a few more brief introductions then we were on are way looking around the barn at some of the horses. After spending a few more minutes at the farm we were all headed back to the hotel for a relaxing evening. For me I surfed the web and pumped out another journal entry along with a blog post. Remembering that tomorrow was going to be an early morning I decided it was time for bed and that was probably one of the more restful nights I had during that time. Saturday morning started off with breakfast and to top it off it was free so we all chowed down as much as we could. Then it was off to the farm for classes on horse interaction within the herds they live in along with a fair amount of horse psychology as well.
There was a bit of hands on training that went with this as well which for me helped a lot as that is how I learn primarily and when power point presentations hit part of my brain shuts down as I've seen enough to last a lifetime.

We breaked for lunch which was very tasty, but unfortunately for yours truly most of it was vegetarian lol! Thank goodness there was other foods that I could eat or who knows I might of wasted away lol!! A lot of the guys and myself included talked about past deployments or listened to Gordy crack more jokes about anything and everything the man could think of. After lunch more hands on training followed till about 3:30 or 4pm. During that time frame we were introduced to some of the horses which we would be working with later on in our one on one sessions where the connection is made with that specific horse which is picked for us as individuals. We took a short break for some pictures and those who needed to use the restroom also for the smokers in the group which was pretty much all the vets lol!! We came back into the barn and began to prepare for our time with our horses in the round pen. Bare with me as I can't recall the exact order of who went first, but what I do remember is Roman and Gordy worked with Whiskey, Shane was paired with Kismet, and Jason with Traffic Chief, then me with Butter or Three Lions. For each person the connection with their horse is unique and is truly something beyond words can describe.

My time spent with Budder or Three Lions (same horse) was probably one of the most unique experiences that I have had the pleasure of and he is truly unique in his own rights. It's funny because at the beginning of my time in the round pen with him as I began to rub his head, he dipped it and we all had a good chuckle with the comments everyone made. We spent probably close to 11 minutes in the pen together working on building a connection, trust, and allowing me to lead him. At one point he kicked up his hind legs which doesn't usually happen as he's typically low energy when working with vets and people. I would suggest watching the videos as they are just a small picture of what happens when the connection is made between horse and veteran. Butter and I had a wonderful time in the round pen together and it taught me a lot about myself. I will never forget the peace I felt working with that amazing horse and the time spent out there. If you do decide to watch the video of Butter and me one thing you will not see is after we exit the pen at which point I've still got the rope in hand talking with other veterans and staff. Butter decides that he's not close enough to me and puts his head between my arm and body. At this point I could of died a happy man honestly, to feel that horse, that amazing animal put his head and neck right next me.  All I could is laugh with a giant smile on my face. WOW! Who knew ?!?! Horses are truly amazing animals!! Butter holds a special place in my heart honestly and that place will never be taken by another animal.

We walked the horses back to their stales and from there back to the hotel we went to get ready for our dinner at a local bed and breakfast. It was a husband and wife who ran it, cooked our dinner, and prepared everything for us. The food was amazing and it was just a hoot! It wasn't soon that jokes started coming out and then the laughter broke out in floods and man it was good time had by all!! At one point I was up against a post laughing so hard and there was not a placid face in the room, they were either laughing along or smiling so hard the could barely contain it lol! I believe that was the first time "The Laugh" was recorded via video and I made one request that it not make it to the internet lol!

If you're a veteran and been struggling with readjusting after deploying then I would highly recommend you look up this group called Saratoga Warhorse and give Bob Nevins a call. Tell him you I sent you and get ready to awaken to a self. Because I promise you this that you will not walk away unchanged, they have something that works and it does! Don't delay people, this is one of the best things you can do for yourself and those who care about you! I can't tell you the difference it's made in my life or the lives of others which I know. Take care and God bless!!

© Nathan Fahlin

Control and Lack there of

It's that time again and here I am working on a blog trying to figure out the best way to convey that what needs being said. Honestly this topic is something that we all struggle with, but whether or not we choose to realize the gravity of what happens when we try to control things which are above and beyond our control. The very fact of the matter is the more we try to control certain aspects of our life the more we realize that there is no control we have. The only control we have is maybe what we eat, dress, and honestly that's it.

For me this is something that is not just part of daily life of struggling with different aspects of being human, it's that part of me likes to be in a position so I can handle what happens. In reality I think we all like to be in control of our situations and what's going on around us truthfully. I looked at many different things when considering this topic and truthfully this isn't something I want to write about. When this began to be an issue for me was when I first saw a video from Skitguys.com and it showed me exactly how we as Christ Followers try and take control of what we think needs to happen. In truth we need to trust and wait on God's timing knowing that His will is perfect for us.

Going back to school or being almost 30 and still not being married were things that Nathan didn't like the idea of. Working with children and providing childcare for a Women's group was not my idea of serving and the truth of the matter the more I looked at things the more I began to realize that I knew very little of what was best for me. Everything that I knew and thought would be good for me was being tossed out the window at a very rapid pace and things began to change quickly for me. In many ways I could see the scripture come to live in my life and how I needed to trust God in what He was doing versus giving into my fleshly cravings. Yes, I still give in to the cravings of the flesh, but that's why we have grace and mercy. You see no matter how much we think we have our life together, the moment God enters into that equation it goes to pieces in a hurry. Then we try to reassemble the pieces and that's when the realization hits... "Do you want to go through that whole process again ?" For some will answer yes and others will be no. I continue to struggle with this honestly. See here's the piece of the puzzle many people don't realize is we have free will meaning that we are not bound by anything unless we choose to adhere to such things like following scripture, the law, and anything else.

The more this began to show itself in my life the more I realized that, "Nathan you don't have control of anything." When this began to work its way out in my life daily it was very freeing and it helps me to remember who is in control and whom I need to trust with my life. " I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, plans to not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 This became a verse that I would lean on when the struggle of control would rise up again in my life. When I didn't like the direction or what God decided to do in my life I would recite this piece of scripture to remember the truths which He has given us to lean on in such times of struggle. I continue to struggle with this and I suspect I will till the day I die lol! Hope you got something out of this because I did! Take care and God Bless!!

© Nathan Fahlin

Questions and Answers

As a veteran there are many questions which we get asked when we return from war and frankly some of these questions are flat out inappropriate to ask. We've all dealt with them at one point in our return, I know I have and honestly there are times where I'd like nothing better then play the angry veteran part. There's are always someone who's going to ask you whether it's out of curiosity or trying live through your experiences, "Did you kill anyone?" This is enough to send me through the roof and I'll tell you why here in a second. 

As a veteran who has buddies who have made the hard decisions and have taken life of enemy combatants in war I find it highly distrusting when people ask this question. For a couple reasons because its not someone you can understand nor comprehend because unless you were there you will never understand. Secondly what right do you have to ask me or any other veteran if we've killed anyone. By asking this question you've most likely pissed off the veteran whom you are talking to. The response will be nuclear or it maybe hidden or they may just walk away. For me when people ask this question my response has been more nuclear in actions honestly. Unless you deployed in a combat arms unit you have no idea the training, the hours of preparation, the countless hours spent drilling on battle drills, and how render first aid. The more you train on these the easier it gets to function in war. Because your response is trained into you. I can say this honestly my job description simply stated what it meant to be an infantryman. "To close with and destroy the enemy." That sums it up to what my role was when I deployed to Iraq. To simply put it I was trained to kill and protect the others around me, to take the life of the enemy before he could take the lives of my brothers in arms. The military does a great job at teaching us how to kill and trust me we are very proficient at it, but they don't teach you how to handle it after the decisions been made and the triggers been pulled. 

This is the cold hard truth about war and taking the life of someone else, yet there is not enough that goes into taking that persons life. You see killing is easy, but the psychology of it is extremely complicated. The men and women now have reason or find peace with this, but I tell you the truth many have not found peace.  Many people don't like to think about this, but it's the cold reality of war. People die on both sides and you can't control who gets hit or who doesn't, who dyes and who doesn't. It's war and war is hell. My personal experience with war is that my personal experience and their are people who know those experience.

Some may wonder why I'm writing or what spurred this topic for me to write about. Truth of the matter is this was a God topic that I had prayed on, about, and around because I've had varied responses through the years. One has been the angry veteran response and I tell you where you can go and how to get there, the other is I walk away then ignore you completely, or if you're someone whom I trust and respect then I will share with you those experiences. You see I've read books, listened to others speak, and share their experiences on how they've dealt with taking the life of another human being. I've done everything in preparation incase there comes a time where it is necessary to protect and defend friends, family members, and countrymen. You see I took an oath not just to my country, but to my God that I would protect and defend those you cannot defend themselves. If you decide to ask me if you decide to ask me if I've killed anyone well I would strongly discourage that right now. My life is now changed and yes the past is the past. I hold no ill will to those who have taken life and they deal with something many people cannot understand nor comprehend. 

This has been one of the more challenging topics for me because its close to me and to those who have fought to protect this country and the people in it. Yet we shun those who have killed and we struggle to understand what they are going through. This is the story of those who have fought, bleed, and died for this country. Take care and God bless!!!

© Nathan Fahlin

"Where it Began"

This hit me in a series of memories this afternoon as I drove to the Twin Cities and it was just so clear to me. Truly the life I've been given is a blessing from above and let me tell you the more I live the more I love my life!! I'm not sure exactly where to start because this isn't the beginning that most are probably thinking about. This didn't start at conception or when I was born. This was a special night, but nothing truly significant to others.

You see it started back at a house a few of my Army buddies were renting and we were having a good time. Swapping stories, singing crazy songs that would make people cringe!! We were fresh off a tour from Iraq and well we partied like we hadn't partied before. The night started off good and then we headed out for dinner and found ourselves in Dinky town and so we ended up in sport bar, drinking beer and shooting pool all while feeding our faces with food! Cause we can eat like nobodies business this I promise you lol!!

You see this is where the story takes a turn. Honestly I haven't touched this memory in over five years and completely had almost pushed it out of my mind. You see while my buddies were shooting pool I was working on a beer and burger only partially watching the t.v. This is where is the night changes and the story is completely changed. Enters in is a woman middle aged and within minutes of seeing me and demeanor spoke out to me right away. I wanted nothing to do with her so I told her to shut up and continued watching the t.v., but she was reluctant with her prodding. She claimed she had seen the same demeanor with Navy SEALS that she worked with(I have no way of proving anything regarding to what she did for work or who she worked with). My buddies saw what was happening and so we pulled out of the joint and moved to another place where we were followed to. Yet again we moved out and made sure we weren't followed and then finally we lost her and her group.

So this is how everything got started for me and how the change began to happen. I don't know how many people I've told this story to, but I can probably count on one hand up till now honestly. Now this story is out there for everyone to read and that's okay because what is happening now is better then what I could of ever hoped for!! There's a purpose, a mission, friendship, community, and so much more! Take care and God bless!!

© Nathan Fahlin

"Who Veterans Are"

Veterans come in all shapes and size; big and tall, short and small

Guys and gals; both young and old

You cannot simply classify them because if you do they will break the mold

They come from all sorts of backgrounds, but have one common thing. They served!

They chose selfless versus selfish. Now they fight to put their lives back together from war, from wounds, from the world. They are people who've lost their closest friends, but wouldn't change a thing. They eyes tell a story that is beyond words and takes a almost a life to understand.

The wounds may be visible or maybe completely hidden. These are the people who've laid it on all the line for their country. They've paid a price more than most can fathom and few who can truly understand what it means to give up their life for their friends.

You see while today standing in the local VA hospital I was struck with this and it appears to be the truth of just who veterans are. Standing their in the hall and being bumped into by this short, old lady who's time in the Air Force she referred to herself as a female Gomer Pile. You see it was clear to me right then and there that I wasn't truly tuned in to what a veteran was till I met here this day. She was short, but sweet and we talked for a few minutes then laughed about it all. This is who veterans are. We are people who've laid on down for our country, our family, and our friends. For some of us we've bleed, we've loved, we've lost, and then do it all again.

I hope this sheds so light on the topic of who are veterans. Hope you enjoyed reading this rather short yet sweet blog!! God bless!!

© Nathan Fahlin

"Identity and Us"

A while back I wrote a blog about identity theft and this actually the exact opposite and these are questions that I had to ask myself this morning honestly. The truth of the matter there are many different groups I try and fit myself in wherever I am. A good example is my church. College student check, single check, veteran check, late 20s to early 30s check. These are all groups if I wanted to I could identify with if I chose to, but the reality is I do not belong to any of these groups.

Where do I fit in ? What group do I belong to ? Who am I ? At some point in our lives we all struggle with these questions and probably continue to struggle throughout our life with them. It's not easy nor fun because at some point we realize that regardless of who we think we are it may not be true. You see as human beings we have a built desire to belong to a group, to find out who we are as a person, and how we fit in to this world. I'm going to share with all of you what this has been like for me and what I've come to realize.

Where do I fit in ? I asked myself this question many times after coming back from Iraq and it was till recently that I found my answers to this question. You see there isn't just one place that I fit in, but in actuality there is multiple places. It's been challenging because as a veteran you connect very quickly with other veterans and there is bond formed through service of ones country. But when I started going to school again that presented a new set of challenges and I struggled to find my place there, but in reality there was multiple places for me during my time there. As I got more involved and found other places there was the challenge of fitting in. When I started going back to church is another example of me struggling to find my place again. Yet after being there for 3 years I continue to find myself realizing there is not just one place for me, there is multiple places that I fit in.

What group do I belong to ? This question goes deeper then the first one and the truth of the matter it's very multifaceted honestly. Being a college student yet very non traditional, a veteran wounded at that, and if that ain't enough I'm a Christian who does his to best to be real with others. You see there is more to all of us then we realize or think. You see whether we think about it or not the truth of the matter there is much more to all of us than we realize. For me this is challenging because as I grow there is this realization that I do not just belong to one specific group. There are days when I act more like a soldier who's still in the Army and that's just straight out ugly sometimes, the other times are more of me being me. This I will say and you can think whatever you want, but for me there is two specific groups of people which my heart attaches to. One is veterans simply because I am a veteran myself. Interacting with these men and women is something I do well and generally comes easy to me honestly. We swap stories, some are and will stay private simply because you weren't there and you don't know what we went through lol! Christians and me....... this is a group of people who I've surrounded myself with and they do their best to genuinely follow Jesus. They are just as human as am I and we get to share stories of where we've been and what we've been through in our time on this earth. These people have helped shaped me just as much as my experiences have throughout my time in the Army and just the life that I've lived thus far.

Who am I ? To answer this question one must look deep into their soul and heart. To look past the surface and really look deep at their actions. For me I not only to look at myself, but to God as well because you see the truth of me is that my God tells me who I am. Not the world, not society, not anyone, but him. You see there is so much that we all struggle with in this life and we need to realize that if we let others define us or our past experiences we become something that we don't want to me. I most certainly do not want people to see me as a "wounded veteran with PTSD." You see if I were to let that become my identity it would change my attitude, personality, outlook, and my image of how I see myself. You see since my identity is rooted in Jesus Christ that I am a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17. What this means is once we accept Jesus Christ who came and died for you and me we become a new creation. Our past falls away and we have a new identity. Does this mean in that moment when we accept Christ that everything changes for us ? No, it means that we will continue to go back to our old habits at times, but we press on toward the goal which is transforming into the image of Jesus Christ and loving like he did. Essentially we become Jesus with skin, this is not always easy as we have our bad days just like everyone else. There is not one person on my facebook page that there isn't some story behind our friendship and how we met. Some have found me because of my laugh, mutual friends, through experiences, through good times and bad. They are friends for a reason.

Well now that this is all done I pray that you see me for me and do not compare me to others because I'm just as unique as you and everyone else!! I hope you all have a good night or day whenever you read this!! That you may be blessed by this as well!! Take care and God Bless!!

© Nathan Fahlin

"Love"

God what does one have to do to feel the love of another?
Someone special and who understands what love is.
Someone who is truly unique in of their own right and love me the same because they love you.
So what do I have to do ?
God your love is enough, but it's incredibly challenging when I see others who seem to have found that love.
Gosh, my heart just aches at times and right now is one of those times.

© Nathan Fahlin

Preparation

2012 was great, but I think honestly 2013 will be way better than anything I can imagine honestly and for that very reason I'm excited! There's been a lot of moving pieces already for an already new year and now there is no time, but now what we have in front of us. Not really a New Years resolution, just something that I want to work on is doing the right thing when it comes to eating and other habits that I struggle. It may sound silly, but honestly it's something that I would like to change!

Preparation is what happens when changes are about to be made and we are either ready for them or not. What we can do is prepare ourselves for the changes that are about to come our way. We can either prepare or we can sit and twiddle our thumbs, be belligerent, or act like we don't know what's going. In the reality what's going on is we are about to have some life changes happening. There are plenty of good examples within the Bible that talk about preparation everything from going to war, to sending the twelve disciples, and the time Jesus spent before he was arrested and sentenced to death on a cross. You see every time something major was happening God prepared his people and the people that were going to lead his people. I know for me there are a lot of things that are happening right now which go hand in hand with preparation.

With exactly everything that's happening right now preparation is been at the forefront of a lot of what I've done or have been doing. It's all in preparation for what I believe is me moving for schooling. It's not something that's easy and frankly it's challenging for several reasons. I'm not an academic type person it's all about hands for me when I learn something. The fact that when I was in high school I hoped for a career in the military and therefore never gave any attention to or enough to school. Do my 20 years and get out then enjoy life, but that's not how things worked out. You see all my life I've dreaded school, sitting in a classroom where power point has become the primary tool to teach students just puts me to sleep. It bores me to death and I honestly can't stand it! I would like to take the person who made power point and have a come to Jesus meeting with them. It's a great tool when used properly, but it's abused by professionals, schools, teachers, and even in the work place. 

Well now that I've said that and with all things that's happening right now it's very possible that school is where I'm headed again. Deep breath. It's not exactly ideal, but it's where I do believe that I'm being called. Hope you got something out of this! Take care and God Bless!!

© Nathan Fahlin