Even after 7 years of being back from Iraq I think most our troops myself included are still "Coming Home" and what I mean by this is that we are still transitioning back to this civilian life. Everyday I read the thoughts/comments from other veterans from Facebook groups which I'm a part of. It still gets me when I read these posts by them and how they are still fighting to transition from being back from wherever they were just recently deployed. Coming home isn't what most people think or know or can understand what veterans are going through; there is a clash with two very opposite cultures. On one hand you have the military culture where political correctness is a joke that we all make fun because if you can't handle being razed the military isn't the you and it's that plain and simple. We have a tendency to speak our mind regardless of what others want, honesty can be seen as a weakness because honestly we don't care what people think and probably never will. Then on the other hand you have the civilian culture of people who value political correctness and honesty in ways that clash very hard with the military mindset. I've seen this time and time again where vets clash with their civilian counterparts.
When it comes to work and doing the right thing veterans have an exceptionally tough time because if they have people under them who aren't doing their job all they can do is verbally reprimand them which will all know doesn't do crap! Here's the struggle because if we didn't do our jobs in the military people could possibly die, therefore our superiors would utilize methods of correcting our poor performance or crappy behavior as to rid of us of bad habits which could cost lives of those around us. We drill constantly on what happens we if receive SAF (small arms fire), IEDs, and various other situations. This is pounded into our brains till we act almost naturally because it's become muscle memory meaning we are able to just act. So excuse us if we don't deal with situations like most people, all we expect is for others to do their job, but even that is to much to ask sometimes. Which is freaking stupid, I mean I can understand it more if you're working an entry level job, but seriously quit whining and do your job. You aren't getting shot at, no one is trying to take your life just because of the flag you bear on your shoulder.
So after many years of adjusting from coming back from Iraq this is where I am today, adjusting is sometimes easy, but other times it can be rough. Honestly there has been good experiences and bad ones since being home. My first job was working for Papa Murphys in Duluth, the job was a joke and my coworkers were mostly passive aggressive which doesn't sit well with me. I can remember one night where the line was out the door and I was wrapping pizza at the end of the line. Had some conflict with a coworker and this is what pissed me off is the next week they put a letter in my work box. I mean seriously why can't you just come up and tell me what's going on....freaking stupid! Just come and talk to me about what happened, but don't just go behind my back acting like a freaking kid. I was terminated because I had enough of the crap and never responded to said letter. What a joke. Before you try and use our military service as a way of getting us to do what you want done, learn that that doesn't sit well with other veterans. Our military service may have nothing to do with our job is currently so back off. You do not have the right or the knowledge to use that. End of rant.
Now as I sit in my apartment down in Minneapolis on this Saturday morning I'm able to finally start to internalize what it means to come home.Coming Home is a phrase we would like to associate with a time of happiness, joy, and seeing our loved ones again, but that's not always the case. In truth it's marked with challenges, hyper awareness of what is going on, possibly flashbacks, and other memories from our time deployed. For me the good times only lasted about three months before the money I had occured from the deployment had begin to run dry and that no one I was around understood what I had just went through. Now seven years later there are days where to put it bluntly I have a rough which usually can be described as a dysfunctional veteran where I really don't care what I say, how I say it, or anything. It sure makes for an interesting day that's sure, but in time I've learned how to combat these days. These days are few and far between now and most people aren't around when they happen. Coming Home is never pretty, but it's apart of our lives just as much as we don't want it to be, but that's life.
So listen before you speak, listening to someone who's been there and hearing their heart in the story is better then just about anything else you can do. Thanks for reading and God bless!!
These songs and what they embody are the pleas of the soldiers, airmen, marines, and sailors who have served, died, bled, and were wounded. We just wanna Come Home.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOn5BQ-H_H4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Niv2cSjneK8
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Condemnation No More
This is a bit of a personal topic, but then again most of my blog posts are personal because they are things which are affecting me currently. Today's topic is no different than any other topics, but what makes it different is the length at which I've been fighting this. They topic is really three pieces: guilt, shame, and condemnation. Of the three, there is one that is not lesser because they all have an impact on a person.
Romans 8:1, "Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." Condemnation is one of those issues we run into because of the fallen world we live in, but is a result of the law which condemns sin. The reality is though that when Jesus came, lived, died, and rose again he fulfilled the law therefore we have this passage in the first verse of the eighth chapter of Romans. When we sin or even break the law which govern us there is a tendency to have this lingering feeling, for me most of the time it's condemnation. Condemnation tells us, "Oh no look what you did there." it's that feeling that something bad is going to happen.
This past week has been one of revelation in different ways for me because things have changed as I'm out of school and moved into a single apartment in a different complex on campus, but this freedom has which allowed me to see things in a different light. I'm reminded of the struggle of this because there have been times where sin has crept back in an area of my life and in the moments of realization things are not always as it appears. At first the voices remind me that I've sinned, but leads me to repentance, then another voice comes in and it's usually Satan and he's telling me, "Look at you, falling again...a failure." This is the condemnation Paul speaks against in Romans 8:1. Because of Christ, who has raised me out of darkness, who's taken on my sin I no longer live, but he lives in me therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
I would encourage anyone who struggles with this to take a look at scripture and reference other verses to get a better understanding of what is going on. This has been an ongoing struggle for many years, but hopefully it will continue to die off in my life and that it won't come back. The journey we are on isn't always enjoyable, but we have hope in this world because Christ has overcome the world(John 16:33). So take heart my friends and continue the good fight!
Take care and God Bless!!
Romans 8:1, "Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." Condemnation is one of those issues we run into because of the fallen world we live in, but is a result of the law which condemns sin. The reality is though that when Jesus came, lived, died, and rose again he fulfilled the law therefore we have this passage in the first verse of the eighth chapter of Romans. When we sin or even break the law which govern us there is a tendency to have this lingering feeling, for me most of the time it's condemnation. Condemnation tells us, "Oh no look what you did there." it's that feeling that something bad is going to happen.
This past week has been one of revelation in different ways for me because things have changed as I'm out of school and moved into a single apartment in a different complex on campus, but this freedom has which allowed me to see things in a different light. I'm reminded of the struggle of this because there have been times where sin has crept back in an area of my life and in the moments of realization things are not always as it appears. At first the voices remind me that I've sinned, but leads me to repentance, then another voice comes in and it's usually Satan and he's telling me, "Look at you, falling again...a failure." This is the condemnation Paul speaks against in Romans 8:1. Because of Christ, who has raised me out of darkness, who's taken on my sin I no longer live, but he lives in me therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
I would encourage anyone who struggles with this to take a look at scripture and reference other verses to get a better understanding of what is going on. This has been an ongoing struggle for many years, but hopefully it will continue to die off in my life and that it won't come back. The journey we are on isn't always enjoyable, but we have hope in this world because Christ has overcome the world(John 16:33). So take heart my friends and continue the good fight!
Take care and God Bless!!
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Anxiousness
The last week or so has been really difficult and I've had to make hard decisions in these times where it caused me to be really anxious and nervous about my future along with different aspects of my life. It's brought into question a few areas where things are very difficult to see clearly, but through my friends they have given me encouragement and joy to remind me that I am not meant to go through this life alone. The reason for this blog comes out of recent events in the last 24-36 hours and how they have impacted me.
Yesterday started off as a very good day, but things changed for whatever reason and still trying to understand what caused the shift along with the impact that it had upon me. As my Homiletic's class approached closer, there was an urge to briefly go through my 10 minute sermon, but almost in a moment my heart beat sped up. At this point I was really beginning to feel anxious so I did what I would normally, find a quiet place and get some music going to help me relax and refocus on the tasks at hand. What happened was a series of events which caused that probably helped me more than anything I could do at the moment.
After walking through the library and not finding a sufficient spot, I turned my attention to a local cafe where I would take the necessary time to refocus, relax, and if possible look at my sermon before class. Before making out of the school area, a staff member asks if I could help move some furniture, next thing you know I'm carrying bar table to another building the school owns. It was an easy task and it helped me forget about my worries and concerns. Then a fellow student from North Central ran into a problem where her dog got loose from the sounds of it and needed someone to watch her pit bull named Iffy. Strange name, but nice looking dog; boy did that little dog have a lot of strength within her body. She couldn't of been more than 40 lbs, but you think she was 65 pounds and pulled with the strength of a dog twice her size. Solid muscle all the way, but this would turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
After all the events, I was still anxious giving my sermon, the whole time standing up there my heart felt as if it was going to come through my chest. I ended 5 seconds after the timer and I breathed a sigh, not only of relief, but of peace as well. I heard some good complements and some good critiques as well, both will serve me well in my future.
Unfortunately the anxiousness was still with me this morning when I woke, reading an email which came off arrogantly written sent my morning spiraling down. At which point I made the effort to text a few friends who were able to offer insight which allowed me to understand what had been going on. Their encouraging words helped provide the spark needed to motivate myself to change and not put up with this anxiousness. To seek out and remove the root cause of why I was feeling anxious. It's in these moments when I realize just how valuable community truly is, how we as Christians and people generally need others in our lives to encourage us, pick us up, and at times walk with us through difficult circumstances which we face in our lives.
Take care and God Bless!
P.S. I know that it has been a while since my last blog post on "One Thousand Gifts" as I'm taking time off to focus more on school work which is a priority. Hopefully it will resume in a few weeks.
Yesterday started off as a very good day, but things changed for whatever reason and still trying to understand what caused the shift along with the impact that it had upon me. As my Homiletic's class approached closer, there was an urge to briefly go through my 10 minute sermon, but almost in a moment my heart beat sped up. At this point I was really beginning to feel anxious so I did what I would normally, find a quiet place and get some music going to help me relax and refocus on the tasks at hand. What happened was a series of events which caused that probably helped me more than anything I could do at the moment.
After walking through the library and not finding a sufficient spot, I turned my attention to a local cafe where I would take the necessary time to refocus, relax, and if possible look at my sermon before class. Before making out of the school area, a staff member asks if I could help move some furniture, next thing you know I'm carrying bar table to another building the school owns. It was an easy task and it helped me forget about my worries and concerns. Then a fellow student from North Central ran into a problem where her dog got loose from the sounds of it and needed someone to watch her pit bull named Iffy. Strange name, but nice looking dog; boy did that little dog have a lot of strength within her body. She couldn't of been more than 40 lbs, but you think she was 65 pounds and pulled with the strength of a dog twice her size. Solid muscle all the way, but this would turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
After all the events, I was still anxious giving my sermon, the whole time standing up there my heart felt as if it was going to come through my chest. I ended 5 seconds after the timer and I breathed a sigh, not only of relief, but of peace as well. I heard some good complements and some good critiques as well, both will serve me well in my future.
Unfortunately the anxiousness was still with me this morning when I woke, reading an email which came off arrogantly written sent my morning spiraling down. At which point I made the effort to text a few friends who were able to offer insight which allowed me to understand what had been going on. Their encouraging words helped provide the spark needed to motivate myself to change and not put up with this anxiousness. To seek out and remove the root cause of why I was feeling anxious. It's in these moments when I realize just how valuable community truly is, how we as Christians and people generally need others in our lives to encourage us, pick us up, and at times walk with us through difficult circumstances which we face in our lives.
Take care and God Bless!
P.S. I know that it has been a while since my last blog post on "One Thousand Gifts" as I'm taking time off to focus more on school work which is a priority. Hopefully it will resume in a few weeks.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
chapter 5: what in the world, in all this world, is grace?
" One act of thanksgiving, when things go wrong with us, is worth a thousand thanks when things are agreeable to our inclinations."
Saint John of Avila
It's July and the flag which the Ann's mom bought her is flapping in the wind, it's early morning and she's watering the flowers. The watering can empties, she peers over the porch to watch the bees pollinate, a hummingbird darts from lip to lip of the flowers and the author holds her breath. In a moment everything changes as the words it her hard, "Levi's hand went through a fan at the barn." Knees weak, she runs across the drive way barefoot, eyes shot white.
Levi is howling in pain, the strength of each fan blade hitting his hand and fingers could of severed his hand and fingers, but that wasn't the case. He still had a hand and all his fingers, three hours later they are home from the ER, she opens the doors for their oldest child, seven years old. He's up bad, but only the index finger is broke, he has to see the surgeon, but his hand is intact.
"God's grace" The author's mother pats her should gently and she feels her relief. Ann guides Levi into the house, a slippery question climbs up the author, nearly rattling her tongue loose, but she refuses to open her mouth. And what is his hand had been right sheared off? What of God's grace then? She wonders if she can ask that question.
Ann readies a place for Levi after all the tears and waiting in the ER, he is weary, she comforts him as she strokes his head. She recalls what she heard on the radio on the way, a thirteen year old farm boy was killed, the death was ruled accidental. Her thoughts turn to what his mother must be feeling, how her heart must be fractured.
She glances down at her gratitude journal and remembers how gratitude is daily practice and a discipline we constantly need to put into place. She glances down the list and counts her blessings, the mystery of unlocking joy. "Come early winter, I jotted haltingly, not wanting it to end," then she writes her one thousandth gift, carefully chosen. 1000. Resurrection bloom, an amaryllis, a gift a year in the coming. Her mother in law had given her these the year before, they were kept on the windowsill in the kitchen. Cancer had taken her mother in law, her bulb trumpeted a call: Fully live! Live fully!
My Thoughts
This beginning of the chapter are going to be focused on the beginning as it hit me the hardest simply because of this semester has shaped up and through various events in my life that have left me wondering, "What of God's grace then?" This has been something which at times struggled to understand as to why and now this chapter of this book is the prefect place to maybe share my thoughts on this.
When you have the experiences that I do, have asked the questions which I have, you begin to wonder why did all this happen? You ask, "Why? Where was God? What was the reason that this happened? These were a lot of the questions which I asked right after I had gotten blown up, they are questions which still don't have answers to this day. There are certain things one could say that maybe could fill the answers to my questions.
The reality is none of them fill the answer perfectly or put into words why I went through what I did and then to ask, "Where is the grace of God?" Maybe his grace was saving the lift of my teammates and mine as well. Maybe God's grace is what protected me in the midst of that fifteen month hell. Maybe God's grace is yet to be made perfect in my life? I do not know, but there are more questions still than there are answers.
My only choice really is to remain thankful, a task that is not easy nor lite in what that it entails. A good friend of mine coined the phrase, "Attitude of gratitude." To be grateful for what we've been given and not get selfish or negative in our attitudes. This is a daily struggle at times because our lives have so much going on in them at times and we would like everything to go our way, but that's not always the case truthfully and if anyone tells you otherwise they are lying to you.
God's grace is there for us when we don't deserve it, are not sure why these events in our life have happened. There will and maybe always be questions that we don't have answers for, but one thing we have to to look forward to is Heaven. When we are standing there face to face with Jesus nothing else will matter.
Take care and God bless!!
Saint John of Avila
It's July and the flag which the Ann's mom bought her is flapping in the wind, it's early morning and she's watering the flowers. The watering can empties, she peers over the porch to watch the bees pollinate, a hummingbird darts from lip to lip of the flowers and the author holds her breath. In a moment everything changes as the words it her hard, "Levi's hand went through a fan at the barn." Knees weak, she runs across the drive way barefoot, eyes shot white.
Levi is howling in pain, the strength of each fan blade hitting his hand and fingers could of severed his hand and fingers, but that wasn't the case. He still had a hand and all his fingers, three hours later they are home from the ER, she opens the doors for their oldest child, seven years old. He's up bad, but only the index finger is broke, he has to see the surgeon, but his hand is intact.
"God's grace" The author's mother pats her should gently and she feels her relief. Ann guides Levi into the house, a slippery question climbs up the author, nearly rattling her tongue loose, but she refuses to open her mouth. And what is his hand had been right sheared off? What of God's grace then? She wonders if she can ask that question.
Ann readies a place for Levi after all the tears and waiting in the ER, he is weary, she comforts him as she strokes his head. She recalls what she heard on the radio on the way, a thirteen year old farm boy was killed, the death was ruled accidental. Her thoughts turn to what his mother must be feeling, how her heart must be fractured.
She glances down at her gratitude journal and remembers how gratitude is daily practice and a discipline we constantly need to put into place. She glances down the list and counts her blessings, the mystery of unlocking joy. "Come early winter, I jotted haltingly, not wanting it to end," then she writes her one thousandth gift, carefully chosen. 1000. Resurrection bloom, an amaryllis, a gift a year in the coming. Her mother in law had given her these the year before, they were kept on the windowsill in the kitchen. Cancer had taken her mother in law, her bulb trumpeted a call: Fully live! Live fully!
My Thoughts
This beginning of the chapter are going to be focused on the beginning as it hit me the hardest simply because of this semester has shaped up and through various events in my life that have left me wondering, "What of God's grace then?" This has been something which at times struggled to understand as to why and now this chapter of this book is the prefect place to maybe share my thoughts on this.
When you have the experiences that I do, have asked the questions which I have, you begin to wonder why did all this happen? You ask, "Why? Where was God? What was the reason that this happened? These were a lot of the questions which I asked right after I had gotten blown up, they are questions which still don't have answers to this day. There are certain things one could say that maybe could fill the answers to my questions.
The reality is none of them fill the answer perfectly or put into words why I went through what I did and then to ask, "Where is the grace of God?" Maybe his grace was saving the lift of my teammates and mine as well. Maybe God's grace is what protected me in the midst of that fifteen month hell. Maybe God's grace is yet to be made perfect in my life? I do not know, but there are more questions still than there are answers.
My only choice really is to remain thankful, a task that is not easy nor lite in what that it entails. A good friend of mine coined the phrase, "Attitude of gratitude." To be grateful for what we've been given and not get selfish or negative in our attitudes. This is a daily struggle at times because our lives have so much going on in them at times and we would like everything to go our way, but that's not always the case truthfully and if anyone tells you otherwise they are lying to you.
God's grace is there for us when we don't deserve it, are not sure why these events in our life have happened. There will and maybe always be questions that we don't have answers for, but one thing we have to to look forward to is Heaven. When we are standing there face to face with Jesus nothing else will matter.
Take care and God bless!!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
chapter 4: a sanctuary of time
" All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
J.R.R. Tolkien
With this being my 100th blog post I'm going to simply share my thoughts, there has been much thinking about this chapter specifically and the affects that it has had on me.
When I first read this chapter, I posted a quick clip of what I had been thinking about. I felt convicted by this chapter as a lot of what I'd been struggling with was how my time was being spent and the time spent with God. In the last week or so it's been a struggle and this hit me like a freight train, immediately I had realized what I had been doing.
In the months previous to this semester it was very easy for me to get away and spend time with God, to quiet myself and listen or meditate if that's how I felt lead. This was very hard for me to hear this as the book played out, but it was timely. It's help me understand how grateful for the good times and the hard times when I'm not very thankful.
Then this piece grabbed after finishing the book and it turned into a post on facebook. I had been rushing everywhere I would need to go, not slowing down and taking the time to savor the moments where God would touch me in a way that was new and powerful.
"In our rushing, bulls in china shops, we break our own lives.
Haste makes waste." One Thousand Gifts
The biggest misconception about time is that we need more of it. What we really need is to be present where we are, not the past nor the future, but where we are in the moment. You see as a society it's all about what we want, having more time, but it's all a lie. If you want a full life, live in the moments that you have been given. Focus on what is in front of you, not what's behind you or in the future. Breathe, relax, and soak in the precious moments of life. Live a life of thankfulness. Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving. Create a list if it helps, but live in the moments because before you know it, life is gone.
Eurcharisteo. Thanksgiving, it's amazing how thing's change when we start realizing how giving thanks changes our attitude. But probably the biggest thing from this chapter has been learning to understand time differently. It's not about needing more, but using the time we've been given wisely, using our time in a way that is better for us, for God, and for others around us. Time can be a sanctuary if we use the time we've been correctly, there are plenty of scripture pieces which speak on no worrying about the past or the future as today has enough worries of it' own.
This book has been very humbling for me to read and it's had an impact beyond measure as God has used it in countless ways to help me see what needs changing. I've enjoyed reading this book so far, it's requiring more time to savor the book therefore less reading and more time to process what I'm reading. Which in turns less blogging, it's something that I would recommend everyone to read, even if you're not a Christian, there are a lot of good principles which can be learned.
Hope you have a wonderful! Take care and God Bless!!
J.R.R. Tolkien
With this being my 100th blog post I'm going to simply share my thoughts, there has been much thinking about this chapter specifically and the affects that it has had on me.
When I first read this chapter, I posted a quick clip of what I had been thinking about. I felt convicted by this chapter as a lot of what I'd been struggling with was how my time was being spent and the time spent with God. In the last week or so it's been a struggle and this hit me like a freight train, immediately I had realized what I had been doing.
In the months previous to this semester it was very easy for me to get away and spend time with God, to quiet myself and listen or meditate if that's how I felt lead. This was very hard for me to hear this as the book played out, but it was timely. It's help me understand how grateful for the good times and the hard times when I'm not very thankful.
Then this piece grabbed after finishing the book and it turned into a post on facebook. I had been rushing everywhere I would need to go, not slowing down and taking the time to savor the moments where God would touch me in a way that was new and powerful.
"In our rushing, bulls in china shops, we break our own lives.
Haste makes waste." One Thousand Gifts
The biggest misconception about time is that we need more of it. What we really need is to be present where we are, not the past nor the future, but where we are in the moment. You see as a society it's all about what we want, having more time, but it's all a lie. If you want a full life, live in the moments that you have been given. Focus on what is in front of you, not what's behind you or in the future. Breathe, relax, and soak in the precious moments of life. Live a life of thankfulness. Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving. Create a list if it helps, but live in the moments because before you know it, life is gone.
Eurcharisteo. Thanksgiving, it's amazing how thing's change when we start realizing how giving thanks changes our attitude. But probably the biggest thing from this chapter has been learning to understand time differently. It's not about needing more, but using the time we've been given wisely, using our time in a way that is better for us, for God, and for others around us. Time can be a sanctuary if we use the time we've been correctly, there are plenty of scripture pieces which speak on no worrying about the past or the future as today has enough worries of it' own.
This book has been very humbling for me to read and it's had an impact beyond measure as God has used it in countless ways to help me see what needs changing. I've enjoyed reading this book so far, it's requiring more time to savor the book therefore less reading and more time to process what I'm reading. Which in turns less blogging, it's something that I would recommend everyone to read, even if you're not a Christian, there are a lot of good principles which can be learned.
Hope you have a wonderful! Take care and God Bless!!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
chapter 3: first flight
This chapter starts with a moment in kitchen as the author is cooking with a friend and as the work continually at their tasks, the friend looks at Ann(author) and says, "You've changed." Unsure of what to say, Ann quickly gets back to preparing dinner for the two families.
Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving or giving thanks. The author plugs away at what she has been trying to change for a while, she talks about how if one is thirsty that they do not look for a book to quench their thirst, but they look for water. She continues to look within herself to see the transformation which has been taking place.
In the coming paragraphs the author begins a list, a list of things she is thankful, the list grows as she realizes just how much she has to be thankful. These are things which are very basic things, yet the smile is profound and the list grows, and it continues to grow as does her smile and her joy. It all goes back to one word, "Eucharisteo." Thanksgiving or giving thanks. Such a simple word, yet a profound experience when the author begins to live that word out daily in her life, the transformation is more than skin deep.
" And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...." Gave thanks. This is the dare, this is Eucharisteo. She flips through the pages of her Bible and finds a couple verses from Philippians.
"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little."
Philippians 4:11-12
This secret that Paul describes almost back to back in these verses is, Eucharisteo, it's as if this word is the very existence of the author. She begins to understand what it means to have thanksgiving or give thanks the more she digs in.
The next morning she grabs her pen and begins to continue the list of things which she is thankful for, her mind dances across thoughts, memories, and current undertakings. The list grows and so does the smile.
The author's husband comes and with a soft sigh, "We lost another litter this morning," he cleans himself as they sit down for breakfast. He's been up four hours already feeding the sows already; there is talk of what's been killing the litters and what is killing the late term pregnancies like what he is experiencing in his sows. There is continued to talk between the husband and the wife and the husband expresses his thoughts on what is killing all the litters as he's informed the local vet who he's been friends with since kindergarten.
The clear the table, he reads some scripture from Amos, the husband goes back to work. Late in the afternoon he comes in and heads directly to the study. He's on to something, already tapping furiously away at the keyboard, she watches from the kitchen. He continues to tap away at the keys, he's hot on the trail of what's been killing the litters, she rubs his shoulders and asks softly, "Anything?" He feels confident that he's found, but it's nearly impossible to eradicate, yet he breathes a sigh of relief. It's good just to name it.
Ann continues to create her list of what she is thankful for, what God has granted her. The list is now in the hundreds and it continues to grow. She makes a reference to the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve and walking in the cool of the day with God.
The author begins with some miracle of joy as she calls it, she is amazed at how her tongue just might be the tail of her heart. She is getting at the attitude of her heart as the tongue tells the story of what is in our heart; whether it's thankfulness or bitterness in some regard. Eucharisteo. The realization that many times she had heard the message, but never practiced being thankful or thanksgiving.
It's a new day and Ann is going back and forth with what will be her ink and parchment, but regardless she builds on her list. Her husband finds her, leaning over a plate of cheese all shredded and ready for a pizza. He remarks at how he likes finding her like this, lost in what she is doing, he pulls her close. Full of joy, happy in all the little things that God gives.
The next four pages is a continuation of Ann's desire to live a life of thanksgiving, she realizes that things in her life are changing, the joy, the happiness, and the thanksgiving. All tied to the attitude of being thankful for what we've been given.
My Thoughts
This chapter was particularly hard for me to read as certain memories were brought up and the circumstances which surrounded those specific times in my life. It challenged me in many different ways. I think it's difficult because it was either 2010 or 2011 and had been going through a series of VA appointments which were done in the Twin Cities because I had been experiencing difficulties in school. The results showed what it wasn't that was affecting, but it also pointed to what was bothering me.
I remember standing there and picking up the phone, talking to the doctor and hearing the results; naming what had been my struggle and in a moment I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew what was going, my assumption had been right. It was P.T.S.D. In the coming months, I would find myself struggling with the reality as life changed all around me.
The hard reality would set in when there would be flashbacks, moments of when I would struggle with the diagnoses, and would struggle to think who would ever want me. Yet here I am, with many friends all around and thankful that I have them with me, standing by my side. We all have our own challenges that we face and this has been mine in the sense that he's a struggle.
It's not who I am or who I've become, but some part of my reality although there are far more better days than worse days. It's for those days that I am truly thankful for, those moments when all seems right in my days where people do not notice my thoughts, actions, or mannerism. All they see is me, who I am today, not where I've been or what I've done, but the Nathan that Christ has redeemed, set free, and changed for the better.
Take care and God bless!!!
Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving or giving thanks. The author plugs away at what she has been trying to change for a while, she talks about how if one is thirsty that they do not look for a book to quench their thirst, but they look for water. She continues to look within herself to see the transformation which has been taking place.
In the coming paragraphs the author begins a list, a list of things she is thankful, the list grows as she realizes just how much she has to be thankful. These are things which are very basic things, yet the smile is profound and the list grows, and it continues to grow as does her smile and her joy. It all goes back to one word, "Eucharisteo." Thanksgiving or giving thanks. Such a simple word, yet a profound experience when the author begins to live that word out daily in her life, the transformation is more than skin deep.
" And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...." Gave thanks. This is the dare, this is Eucharisteo. She flips through the pages of her Bible and finds a couple verses from Philippians.
"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little."
Philippians 4:11-12
This secret that Paul describes almost back to back in these verses is, Eucharisteo, it's as if this word is the very existence of the author. She begins to understand what it means to have thanksgiving or give thanks the more she digs in.
The next morning she grabs her pen and begins to continue the list of things which she is thankful for, her mind dances across thoughts, memories, and current undertakings. The list grows and so does the smile.
The author's husband comes and with a soft sigh, "We lost another litter this morning," he cleans himself as they sit down for breakfast. He's been up four hours already feeding the sows already; there is talk of what's been killing the litters and what is killing the late term pregnancies like what he is experiencing in his sows. There is continued to talk between the husband and the wife and the husband expresses his thoughts on what is killing all the litters as he's informed the local vet who he's been friends with since kindergarten.
The clear the table, he reads some scripture from Amos, the husband goes back to work. Late in the afternoon he comes in and heads directly to the study. He's on to something, already tapping furiously away at the keyboard, she watches from the kitchen. He continues to tap away at the keys, he's hot on the trail of what's been killing the litters, she rubs his shoulders and asks softly, "Anything?" He feels confident that he's found, but it's nearly impossible to eradicate, yet he breathes a sigh of relief. It's good just to name it.
Ann continues to create her list of what she is thankful for, what God has granted her. The list is now in the hundreds and it continues to grow. She makes a reference to the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve and walking in the cool of the day with God.
The author begins with some miracle of joy as she calls it, she is amazed at how her tongue just might be the tail of her heart. She is getting at the attitude of her heart as the tongue tells the story of what is in our heart; whether it's thankfulness or bitterness in some regard. Eucharisteo. The realization that many times she had heard the message, but never practiced being thankful or thanksgiving.
It's a new day and Ann is going back and forth with what will be her ink and parchment, but regardless she builds on her list. Her husband finds her, leaning over a plate of cheese all shredded and ready for a pizza. He remarks at how he likes finding her like this, lost in what she is doing, he pulls her close. Full of joy, happy in all the little things that God gives.
The next four pages is a continuation of Ann's desire to live a life of thanksgiving, she realizes that things in her life are changing, the joy, the happiness, and the thanksgiving. All tied to the attitude of being thankful for what we've been given.
My Thoughts
This chapter was particularly hard for me to read as certain memories were brought up and the circumstances which surrounded those specific times in my life. It challenged me in many different ways. I think it's difficult because it was either 2010 or 2011 and had been going through a series of VA appointments which were done in the Twin Cities because I had been experiencing difficulties in school. The results showed what it wasn't that was affecting, but it also pointed to what was bothering me.
I remember standing there and picking up the phone, talking to the doctor and hearing the results; naming what had been my struggle and in a moment I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew what was going, my assumption had been right. It was P.T.S.D. In the coming months, I would find myself struggling with the reality as life changed all around me.
The hard reality would set in when there would be flashbacks, moments of when I would struggle with the diagnoses, and would struggle to think who would ever want me. Yet here I am, with many friends all around and thankful that I have them with me, standing by my side. We all have our own challenges that we face and this has been mine in the sense that he's a struggle.
It's not who I am or who I've become, but some part of my reality although there are far more better days than worse days. It's for those days that I am truly thankful for, those moments when all seems right in my days where people do not notice my thoughts, actions, or mannerism. All they see is me, who I am today, not where I've been or what I've done, but the Nathan that Christ has redeemed, set free, and changed for the better.
Take care and God bless!!!
Monday, March 17, 2014
chapter 2: a word to live...and die by
When I read this chapter of the book it was really quite startling at some points and the honesty of the author gripped me to the point where I couldn't stop reading, but I've dedicated a chapter a day except today.
From the beginning with the nightmare and how this dream had affected her and what she recalls from it really lets you know that she understands what she is talking about....how she recalls the feels when she hears the dreaded "C" word. Cancer. It taunts her and the doctor tells her in the nightmare and has been consumer her even while she had birthed six beautiful babies.
The thought of dying young taunts her in such a way that she begins to think and wonder if there is something she is missing, she comes to the conclusion that she wants to live, to fully live. She recalls how it all started with the pain of her distraught mother at the psychiatric hospital aching for the baby she lost which bled through the blankets.
The author begins to tell how for years all she wanted was to die after waking up, life was a nightmare. She wasn't content with life and the life she was living, wrestling with self-hatred and the responsibilities of being a parents. It hits the author that she really wants to live.
The end comes for us, she says and how it will come with or without a doctor's warning, that's the reality of life. She continues about with her daily routine, but while doing this she realizes how this nightmare has rattled her, now she something must be done, but what is that...
She continues to seek after what it means to live fully and what it means, the author dives deep into her relationship with God. She presses in, searching for words or anything that will help her discover. She checks her email and is struck with an email from a mother who's seventeen year old son was just diagnosed with cancer, there are no words to comfort her.
In the coming pages of this chapter, the author dives head first into finding her answer, searching the New and Old Testament, along with Greek words in search, but in the end she still doesn't have the answer. She realizes that in the end, "Does she really want to be saved?" A word stands out from the Greek, "Eucharisteo."
While reading this chapter and having been there myself at times trying to find the meaning of living fully and what that means for me and even now I'm in that season of my life, the author's words penetrate into my heart. The wanting of a full life, a life fully lived and not just going through the daily routine, but one that is making an impact. For me this especially hard right as there are many different things happening in my life. This semester has challenged me to be thankful and my understanding of thanksgiving has been challenged as well.
Through this semester I've had financial issues from vehicle issues, to a badly sprained wrist, and a chipped tooth on top of a very tough semester of college with classes that are challenging me. Information at time that overwhelms me and now here I am a little over half way through the semester, unsure of how this semester will turn out and trying to remain thankful. Having joy in my life has been increasingly tough and my comprehension of grace has grown dramatically through this semester.
This chapter is something else, because it forces the reader into someones life and what they are struggling with and frankly it's what I have been struggling with for a while now. I cannot not continue to remark on how much this book is just pinging me with where I am at right now. It's crazy because it's written in a style which I enjoy, but as a reader it continually draws me in. In some way the more I read the book it's as if it's ministering to me and my needs, I know it's sound weird or awkward, but until you read the book then don't judge it.
It's very challenging knowing that they are times when I do not know what will happen or how this semester or the rest of my life will play out, but still the call is to be thankful, filled with thanksgiving, grace, and joy. For the joy of the Lord is your strength, Nehemiah 8:10, For it is by grace through faith that you have saved, not by works so that no one can boast Ephesians 2:8-9, and finally Give thanks in all circumstance; for that is God's will for you in Christ Jesus 1 Thessalonians 5:18.
Take care and God bless!!!
From the beginning with the nightmare and how this dream had affected her and what she recalls from it really lets you know that she understands what she is talking about....how she recalls the feels when she hears the dreaded "C" word. Cancer. It taunts her and the doctor tells her in the nightmare and has been consumer her even while she had birthed six beautiful babies.
The thought of dying young taunts her in such a way that she begins to think and wonder if there is something she is missing, she comes to the conclusion that she wants to live, to fully live. She recalls how it all started with the pain of her distraught mother at the psychiatric hospital aching for the baby she lost which bled through the blankets.
The author begins to tell how for years all she wanted was to die after waking up, life was a nightmare. She wasn't content with life and the life she was living, wrestling with self-hatred and the responsibilities of being a parents. It hits the author that she really wants to live.
The end comes for us, she says and how it will come with or without a doctor's warning, that's the reality of life. She continues about with her daily routine, but while doing this she realizes how this nightmare has rattled her, now she something must be done, but what is that...
She continues to seek after what it means to live fully and what it means, the author dives deep into her relationship with God. She presses in, searching for words or anything that will help her discover. She checks her email and is struck with an email from a mother who's seventeen year old son was just diagnosed with cancer, there are no words to comfort her.
In the coming pages of this chapter, the author dives head first into finding her answer, searching the New and Old Testament, along with Greek words in search, but in the end she still doesn't have the answer. She realizes that in the end, "Does she really want to be saved?" A word stands out from the Greek, "Eucharisteo."
While reading this chapter and having been there myself at times trying to find the meaning of living fully and what that means for me and even now I'm in that season of my life, the author's words penetrate into my heart. The wanting of a full life, a life fully lived and not just going through the daily routine, but one that is making an impact. For me this especially hard right as there are many different things happening in my life. This semester has challenged me to be thankful and my understanding of thanksgiving has been challenged as well.
Through this semester I've had financial issues from vehicle issues, to a badly sprained wrist, and a chipped tooth on top of a very tough semester of college with classes that are challenging me. Information at time that overwhelms me and now here I am a little over half way through the semester, unsure of how this semester will turn out and trying to remain thankful. Having joy in my life has been increasingly tough and my comprehension of grace has grown dramatically through this semester.
This chapter is something else, because it forces the reader into someones life and what they are struggling with and frankly it's what I have been struggling with for a while now. I cannot not continue to remark on how much this book is just pinging me with where I am at right now. It's crazy because it's written in a style which I enjoy, but as a reader it continually draws me in. In some way the more I read the book it's as if it's ministering to me and my needs, I know it's sound weird or awkward, but until you read the book then don't judge it.
It's very challenging knowing that they are times when I do not know what will happen or how this semester or the rest of my life will play out, but still the call is to be thankful, filled with thanksgiving, grace, and joy. For the joy of the Lord is your strength, Nehemiah 8:10, For it is by grace through faith that you have saved, not by works so that no one can boast Ephesians 2:8-9, and finally Give thanks in all circumstance; for that is God's will for you in Christ Jesus 1 Thessalonians 5:18.
Take care and God bless!!!
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