Being Thankful Regardles

Last night as I began to journal late, around 11pm this thought hit me and penetrated my mind with ease, but what came out of this is the truth and the reality that had manifested in my heart as well with my mind. See this is more than something simple, but it started in class one day and now to paint the picture for you, so that you see my point.

As I began to reflect last it became apparent that after all this year had thrown at me that I am still here with a lot to be thankful, yes there were some very hard times, but I made it through. There were some valuable lessons that were taught this year specifically trusting God's plan for our lives and knowing that regardless of what happens there is a bigger purpose. There were some friendships that were forged out of these times and I'm grateful for those, because they have helped me become a better man. But this change in perspective began when I watched a friend write down a value in class, a word that not many would think to be a value. The word was "suffering." Not an easy word to digest when you're talking about values or in general because I know that for me when there are some unpleasant memories attached to suffering so I began hoping to understand how this could word could be a value in someone's life. I texted a friend later that and she directed me to devotional piece from John Piper (http://solidjoys.desiringgod.org/en/devotionals/the-seminary-of-suffering).

This devotional piece helped me understand a lot more of what my friend had written down in class that, it began to shape the way I've viewed this year and what has come out of this. I can tell you that the good far out ways the bad for this year. That is not something to shake a stick at, that is the reality which is now in my life and the way I understand what I have endured this year is all for a bigger purpose. One day in one class was all it took for God to break through my frustrations and pain with one simple word suffering, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9. This verse along with the others verse surrounding this passage have been a rock for me in these months where life has seemingly gone haywire at times, but it's easy to forget that Christ's grace is sufficient for us. Our perspective get's clouded because of either our pain, the trials we are going, doubt, or a combination of these, but that is why we need to fix our eyes on the cross and remember the price that was paid. You see Christ died for us so that we may have eternal life and his grace is for us, in (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+16%3A33&version=NIV)John chapter 16 verse 33 Jesus paints a picture for the disciples that I don't think we grasp all the time, but we need to remember that if we call ourselves disciples than this verse applies to us, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

This was all because a friend wrote one word and I say that one word and began to ponder that word which God than promptly shared with me this meaning and understanding in a way that I've never known before. Does it make it any easier? I think so, my reasoning because the perspective which has been changed because of this, the understanding that there is always something more than what we are going through at times. There is a video that I'm going to share with you that has meant a lot to me recently and carries some weight with it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY&app=desktop

Take Care and God Bless!!

To Save a Veteran

Something happened this morning when I picked up my phone and went to a facebook group for Iraq and Afghanistan veterans, it's something that is unfortunately common; a veteran on the verge of suicide. I'm writing this from my perspective, not to brag about anything I did, but to show you how real this issue is within our country. As I went through the post, reading each comment you could tell there was a serious concern for this man's safety and well being. This post was found by me at roughly 5:15 am or so and the last post by the vet who was in a bad spot was 23:55 the previous day. 

So throughout the day every vet who had commented kept coming back to check to see if this man had replied, finally around 1:30ish central time as a collective we made a decision to take actions into our own hands. We did what we were trained to do, we came together for the collective, used the resources that we had at our disposal to check on said individual. Some members contacted the police in his area where we suspected him to be living and for myself I contacted two facebook groups who deal with crisis situations with veterans. People who dedicate their time to helping these men and women who in their darkest hour need it. After sending our the information to two separate groups, there finally was traction! Everyone kept posting their updates waiting to see if the guy would respond. It was really emotional honestly for me because back in 2010, a friend of mine who I deployed with to Iraq tried to commit suicide which I found out through facebook. So you see this issue of veteran suicide is very deeply connected to me.

So when it came to time act, I gave any information necessary to the groups who were trying to track down this individual and before they contacted him, he replied to his post. He proceeded to share with us that he had crashed hard and been sleeping for most of the day and by that time on facebook group had gotten in contact. He realized at how bad it had gotten and that he needed to get help. Thanks to the people of Warrior Pointe and thanks to the proactive individuals of OIF/OEF Nation we as a community were able to prevent a suicide at most and saved a life of a solider. He thanked us all for being there and knowing that if he needed help or wanted to talk we were there regardless of the hour of the night.

He now has the tools to fight what a lot of veterans are losing to, he realizes that asking for help isn't weakness and that there are times when we all need to ask for help. This whole process once we started it took only about a hour maybe a hour and a half at tops once we decided to contact the necessary organizations to check on the welfare of one of our battle buddies! Every life is worth saving from suicide regardless of where they are at and with 22 veterans committing suicide daily it's pretty challenging to save them all, but all this took was an hour to help on Veteran.

Knowing this information what will you do now? If you come across a hurting veteran who you are unaware of if they are not mentally stable, what would you do now knowing that all it took was an hour? One hour. That is all. How many of us waste our hours doing mindless tasks? I know I do, don't get me wrong sometimes we need that time alone, but what are you willing to do to help someone who fought for our country? I realize that I am playing with heart strings and that this may come off with feelings of guilt or shame, that is not my intention. My intention is to make you aware of what is going on in our country with our veterans and service-members.

Take care and God Bless!

PTSD and Me

Well it's another start of the semester for me and classes full of familiar faces and new faces as well. The start has been incredibly interesting thus far and nothing of short of amazing in all honesty. Although that will come at a later time, but what I want to share with you right now is a revelation which I saw clearly today during chapel.

To start my first year here in Minneapolis and North Central just about drove me nuts with the constant noise and all the people everywhere, in fact part of me wanted to leave and not come back. But what took place over that first year was a transformation in how I handle those circumstances and now how my perspective has changed compared to how how it all started off when I moved down.

At first the constant noise drove me nuts to the point where all I wanted was silence, but there wasn't any place where I could find it and so I would find ways to not have to deal with the noise which didn't help either. It got to the point where I would skip chapel services during school because the noise was killing me. Something would happen called sensory overload; it's when the brain gets overloaded with noise that's coming in through the ear and cannot process all that's coming in. All I've wanted was peace, a peace that would be there through these moments, but that wasn't found this this summer. It took me two long semesters and the majority of the summer to finally get to a point where there was peace again in my life and to be able to walk in that peace.

This summer challenged me in many ways, because there was times when I needed to reach out to others because we all know there is strength in numbers whether you're a Christian or not. So there was countless times where I would find people in the area to hang out with and a lot of the times I was so broke or down to my last pennies that they would end up blessing me with a meal and their friendship. For those people, there are no words to express how grateful I am for their friendships and generosity. I began to able to get away, to find quiet places where the noise wasn't overwhelming and I could find peace again, which in turn would allow me to find continuity to the life which I was living.

So fast forward to today and I'm in chapel and for the first since I can remember being in there, I wasn't overwhelmed by the sound, the crowd, and the overall noise level. It just clicked and in a moment I was totally peaceful, relaxed, and okay with being in this environment. The semesters before I would usually end up not going in or skipping because of the sensory overload which is a result of the PTSD. Staying in Minneapolis was definitely the best choice me this summer and I'm better off for it. On a side note I'm feeling very determined to do better in my classes this semester too! Take care and God Bless!!

God is not Dead

"Gods Not Dead"

After watching the movie mentioned, it triggered the need for a response and an open sharing of a story that has taken place. What also needs to happen is an understanding, because I think many people have been hurt by the false understandings of why things happen in this world.

So to kick this off, my story begins back when I was a kid and I was raised in the church along with my three brothers as well. My parents did the best they could and that they knew how to raise their children. What was happening at school was tormenting by my classmates, bullied endlessly and one instance having a tray full of bananas dumped on my food. This would continue to the end of my high school days. Let me say one thing here, do not tell your kid to turn the other cheek unless you understand what that means because letting them get walked on through their younger years will do nothing for them. In high school there was only a couple people in my grade that I counted as friends and guess what they this Facebook of mine.

When I was 19, I swore an oath to protect and defend the constitution of the United States, to defend it from all enemies foreign and domestic. If necessary give up my life, but when I got to my unit something happened that I did not expect. I found a group of guys who like me had taken this oath, but I also found that they didn't care about who I was or where I came from. They appreciated me for me, there was no pretenses in our friendships. This uncommon bond would later be solidified through war and all that ugliness; with blood, sweat, and tears. With the death of one of the most liked soldiers in our platoon and the wounding of three soldiers myself included. These men became my brothers and now when I'm able to see them it lifts me up!

Through these challenges and experiences something happened especially after I was wounded. The questions came and I'm no closer to the answer now as I was back then, but what I can tell you that I've been saved and we all have been spared.

Some people may read this and wonder why a person like me had to go through some absolutely shitty experiences and multiple near death experiences. Well that answer is two fold: 1) War is hell plain and simple, no hiding that or trying to sugar coat it and 2) Because the depravity of the world or simply we live in a fallen world(I'll explain this later on by what I mean).

So let's rewind a couple thousand years according to the Bible where in my belief this is where it all started. The book of Genesis explains the very essence of how we were created by a divine creator and we were made in his image, in his image he created them male and female.

So here we now in this world, with all this death, destruction, violence, war, a place where millions suffer daily. And this is where it gets tricky because a lot of people wonder if there is a God then why is their so much death in this world. This is because we live in a world that is fallen, a world that wasn't intended for this, but after Adam and Eve ate of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil everything changed.   You see God had commanded them not to eat of this tree, but yet they did and the consequences is our current state. Then throughout the Old Testament you see God pouring out his wrath over all creation, he even at one pointed lamented in saying that He wished he never created us right before he flooded the earth completely sparing all, but eight people.

So fast forward to the New Testament and we something amazing happen, the coming of the Messiah. Jesus Christ who is the Son of God, fully man and fully God meaning he was born of a natural birth, but his conception and life were vastly different. You see his mother Marry was visited by an angel and through that interaction with the Angel of The Lord she received word that she would bare a child and he was to be called Emmanuel or God with Us.

This was even foretold in the Old Testament that there would be a savior, one that would live a perfect life, tempted in every way we are and will be. Till the very end of his life he went about teaching and healing those who were sick. So that begs the question then why is there all this sickness and death in the world. I'll get to that here. Fortunately for us, there was a master plan behind the ministry of Jesus, a plan that was hatched by the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit also known as the Trinity. Jesus, a man who was without sin, tempted in every way we would be was nailed to a cross and pierced in the side, along with a crown of thorns placed among his head. Where all sin, past, present, and future was placed on this one man.

Even before his betrayal Jesus went to pray to his father, take this cup from me if there is another way, he sweated drops of blood because he knew what was coming. In a moment he would be arrested and taken to be put on trial before the authorities of that era. The only reason with any legality for the arrest was he was claiming to be the King of the Jews. But even after the trail, the authorities relented as they found no fault with him, yet the people yelled, "Crucify him!" Around that time of the year it was customary for a prisoner to be set free and the authorities still gave them a chance, but still they yelled "crucify him." So we the read of the brutal torment Jesus went through before carrying his cross to the final place where he was to be crucified. His hands and feet were nailed to the cross, the soldiers along with the crowd mocked him by saying, "If you are the Son of God save yourself." But the reality is he was there for anything he or committed, but for what we have committed. This is why in those moments on the cross till his death, he was separated from the love of God and all Gods wrath poured out onto him so that we, his children would not have to know his wrath or be separated from his love.

Here's what I'm getting at with all of this, is I believe in one God and that is the God of the Bible. To me he's as real as everyone else on this earth, therefore I treat our relationship as such. I've witnessed to much in my life to not believe in God and experienced more which gives me faith and tells me that he's alive! So why do we have all these debates on if God exists or not? Why are so many people hating on Christianity as a religion or a way of living a life? Why are people who turning away from the faith faster then people coming to the faith?

First off let me say this, I do not have all the answers and I never will. In the movie Gods Not Dead, there is a situation where this young woman is finding out she has cancer, she's not sure if she's
going to live yet she goes to this concert where this Christian band is playing and does an impromptu interview with him, trying to understand their faith and believes. She's asking all these questions of the band which is the Newsboys, then one of the members asks her, "Why are you her? Are you hoping that this is all true?" In that moment she reveals to them that she has cancer and is dying. What happens in this is a pure truth, I believe people are looking for something to believe in, to put their faith in. Heck, her boyfriend in the movie leaves her once she reveals to him that she has cancer and is dying. He's cold and heartless, leaves her at the table in which this scene takes place. I'm not saying this is how people interact, but she's hoping that there is something else besides all her life and what she had planned for. We cannot control what happens and why, heck we can barely control when we go to the bathroom or when we eat. There is desire which I believe comes from our creator to find a purpose or some higher calling on life. Some of the best moments of my life have not living for myself, but giving to others who are need or being apart of something that is bigger then who I am.

For the one person who reads this that may or may not comment on this, with that tug on your heart if you will open to the idea that we are need of a savior and that is Jesus Christ our Lord. It's through him that we are made whole, that our sins have cleansed and we have been set. Acknowledge that he is your savior and accept him that he is such. Repent of the sins which you have committed and be filled with the Holy Spirit which is to our helper. He's God in us because he resides within us, guiding and teaching the ways of God. For his ways are higher then our ways, his thoughts are higher then our thoughts.

You see God is not dead, he's very much alive and desires a right relationship with each of his children and he knows each of our stories! Take care and God Bless!

Transitions and Me

Over the past eleven months it's been an interesting journey here in Minneapolis where my time here has been filled with pretty awesome, but yet challenging moments. Since the start of 2014, this year has been filled with obstacles, trials, and challenges along with triggers. There are times where I am still amazed that I'm still here and following the path which God has put before. You see it's not by my strength, but his that I am able to persevere. This is the perseverance which I believe James is eluding to in chapter 1 verses two through four, " Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." What I intend to show and unpack through these verses is what has been exactly has been going on in my life since coming to Minneapolis.

My first semester started without a hitch, had a decent place with my roommate at the time and was close to all my classes so everything was well within walking distance. But one of the first obstacles I hit was on the anniversary to Sept. 11 or 9/11 whatever you wanna refer to it as, I remember waking up hearing ambulance race up the street which just about sent me into an anxiety attack truthfully and just started texting people to pray for me. One thing that I have to remind myself is that for dates for whatever reason seem to trigger the PTSD and even though I wasn't even close to 9/11 the day in happened, the sirens still triggered something within me. This was a minor hiccup and at the time thought nothing of it, but now what I see is the precursor to a very challenging time down here in Minneapolis.

Over the course of the first semester there would be small challenges or trials, like writing my autobiography for a class or failing on of my first exams in another and these are all things that hit me pretty hard on those days, but they pale in comparison to what I was about to face. As the semester came to the end in December I had inadvertently missed a final for one of my class, I called the professor of the class and left a voicemail for him to call me back please. Within 10-15 minutes he had called me back and we had arranged a way for me to make up the final until then I was given an "I" for incomplete. What a blessing that was and the grace that this professor showed me was abnormal if you ask me, but he did so nonetheless.

It was during the winter break between spring and fall classes where everything hit full swing. Right before I was scheduled to go back to school for classes, I needed to fix my four wheel drive and a/c and heat system, but the problem is it was going to cost me $1,700 roughly and thank goodness I had the money for it. Fast forward to a very trying start to the semester and professors who I struggled with all semester, midway through just about I chipped a tooth. One of my molars on the right side cheered clean off leaving a sharp which prevented me of eating on that side and eating enough food. Not long after, I was walking back to campus and it was rather icy out and well guess who slipped on some ice that day and I should of ended up with a broken wrist instead it was a severe sprain. I mean, it looked like there was golf ball under the skin lol! Then as I got home for spring the following week, my transfer case started acting up again and what I mean by this my vehicle wouldn't stay or go into four wheel drive so there went another $400 dollars into repairs. By now it's April and finals are right around the corner, I was preparing to write papers, sermons, and the much needed studying for the finals then the laptop dies on me. My buddy and I spent a good portion of a Saturday trying to revive my laptop, but to no avail.

So this is where the semester ends, but the trials get real and where the metal meets the bone and any other catchy phrase you could insert in here. I ended up deciding to stay in Minneapolis for the summer which was the right decision for me because moving back home at 30 years of age isn't an option anymore. But with that came challenges; looking for work through the summer, going home for Mother's Day to spend with the family, but resolve an issue that started back in early May. A brother's wedding on Memorial Day weekend which was awesome! But this also meant for a good part of June my only income was my disability money from the VA which doesn't last long and that's when the food started to run low. It got to the point where I wasn't sure where my next meal was going to come from and then depression kicked full swing. I was finally hired by a company called Plant Essentials and it was honestly a perfect fit for a summer gig and me. It was during this time where people from my church back in Duluth, MN which gave me some much needed support and continue to do so through prayer. I got to July and made some decisions which in my opinion were right based on my current situations, but it was not easy. Once July started everything seemed to calm down minus fighting the depression and that's when God really started showing me things from my past and stuff that needed to be rooted out of my life. As any person knows rooting out the past is no easy task especially when it's been there for years.

That is the essence of what God had begun in July in my life and let me tell you there was some hard moments and I mean hard, I'm talking about plugging a sucking chest wound hard without the proper equipment to do. For those of you who understand what that is then you'll get how difficult the trails have been. For those of you who do not know what a sucking chest wound is, it's a wound where the person's lung has new hole for air to travel in and out of the chest cavity.

An example was when I wanted to walk away from everything, something set me that day and I went for a walk and spent the time hashing things out with God. Explaining my point of view to him while he listen and as I walked for about an hour or so, slowly making my way back to campus. When I got back to campus and was ready to go back to my apartment and frankly sulk a friend appeared. We exchanged greetings and he asked me how I was doing and well yeah it all came out. So with the all this coming at the end June and continuing through July it made these weeks exceptionally hard, but something along the way changed. That something was putting the past in the past and letting it die off which allowed me to move forward until the 22nd of July. Basically what happened this night was a shooting and there is the possibility of it being gang related which triggered the military training and PTSD. Now it's the Wednesday morning and I'm all sort of messed up and tired from the night before, having a hard time keeping my thoughts straight, but still the struggle is real. At this point I was contemplating just walking away from everything, by everything I mean by faith and it all. In a sense I had been trapped in my own head without very little spiritual support down here till recently. So I have now just started some bi-weekly counseling through a Vet Center to talk about life, transitions, the PTSD triggers, and anything else that comes up right now because it helps.

So that brings me up to today, this is day one of knowing my job is ending on Friday and I'm taking today off to write this blog, but also to spend time with God knowing that these next moments will surely be defining. So at the beginning of this I quoted some scripture from the book of James, now I'm going to show you how these verses correlate to my transition to Minneapolis where I currently reside.

Let's take this verse by verse in hope that you will see what God has been teaching me in these time, starting with James 1:2, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, " Right here James is eluding to something here that realistically is something that every Christian should face during their faith walk, trails of many kinds.

 In verse 3 James reveals what he eluded to in verse 2, "because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." Perseverance; anyone who has gone through trails knows all about the perseverance, running a marathon is all about perseverance, it's not a sprint, but 26.2 miles of straight running. Perseverance comes from enduring some of the hardest things that life can throw at you and still get up and push forward after being kicked, beaten, and left for dead at times.

Finally in verse 4 what we see what comes from the perseverance, "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." This is all about character building from start to finish; you see it when James starts off in verse 2 with "Consider it pure joy.." why you ask? Because these moments refine us as Christians and that is exactly what this time in Minneapolis has been doing to me since I've gotten down here and a lot of the times that is what God is doing in our lives is building our character or changing us to look more like his son Jesus. The perseverance is needed to get through this obstacles, trails, and times of testing because without it we are like a runner is who hasn't trained for the race they are running. Then in verse 4 this phrase comes up, "so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" this is a reference to what James talking about how the trails refine us. This is about creating new character in us and how we are to be changed by these events, not in a negative way, but in the image of Christ.

So here I am at the beginning of August with a new day, week, and month in front of me and an ever changing perspective on life. So here I sit typing away and thinking to myself what is next? Not in the mentality of, "Oh great", but knowing that God will truly never leave me nor forsake me and he will always be right there beside me whether it's deep valleys or high mountains, he's there. So whatever you are going through and whatever you are facing today know that he is right there with you. Take care and God Bless!!

A Message to Men

The scripture from Psalm 73 really hit home for me and especially in this time in my life. I'm back in college around people who know very little of life. People look at me and see me differently, in reality though I have to look to God as he's my only option. He's the one who points me in the direction, walks with me through the deepest valleys I've gone through, who's been with me on the highest mountain peaks, and who at the end of the day loves me for me, not for anything else. He draws me to himself daily, like he did this morning. I'm 30 years old and back in college going for a pastoral degree, but no real intentions of being a pastor. Being a veteran of Iraq and almost dying brought me back to my relationship with God and yeah I question if I have the ability to make it through these challenges and hardships as a single man. I live in Minneapolis, MN a place where it's unfamiliar and my friends aren't nearly as close and the friendships not nearly as deep. It's hard to know if some days if I'll make it through this wilderness of the city. To you younger men continue to press into God when these moments of absolute despair or the valleys are deeper then you've gone before and you're not sure if you can make it through them. Having older men around you is key, one of my best friends is in his 50s and when I'm back in Duluth we spend more time just talking about life and how God has been working in us. Yes, pain is not your biggest battle. I learned this lesson in my mid to late 20s. I was a young 23 year old guy who was deployed to Iraq when I almost died the first time, a roadside bomb went off on my vehicle that I was driving. After I came home from 16 months in Iraq and the pain was gone, I fought with the unknown, unsure of what to do with my life now. I knew I wanted to have a family, to enjoy the finer things in life. My wounds are healing, it's like pulling off a scab everyday and trusting that God has this day in his hands and not giving in to the PTSD that almost took control of my life. Even now as I approach my 31st birthday in November and another year of college I look forward to the challenge because with God all things are possible. Yes, it's difficult at times, but take heart for He has overcome the world. You guys that read this take pride in knowing that you are the son of God and that he's with you till the end of your days. You are a child of God, a saint, a holy one, have been redeemed and forgiven of all your sins. Keep pressing in and finding the adventure which God is calling you too!! Take care and God Bless!!

"Coming Home"

Even after 7 years of being back from Iraq I think most our troops myself included are still "Coming Home" and what I mean by this is that we are still transitioning back to this civilian life. Everyday I read the thoughts/comments from other veterans from Facebook groups which I'm a part of. It still gets me when I read these posts by them and how they are still fighting to transition from being back from wherever they were just recently deployed. Coming home isn't what most people think or know or can understand what veterans are going through; there is a clash with two very opposite cultures. On one hand you have the military culture where political correctness is a joke that we all make fun because if you can't handle being razed the military isn't the you and it's that plain and simple. We have a tendency to speak our mind regardless of what others want, honesty can be seen as a weakness because honestly we don't care what people think and probably never will. Then on the other hand you have the civilian culture of people who value political correctness and honesty in ways that clash very hard with the military mindset. I've seen this time and time again where vets clash with their civilian counterparts.

When it comes to work and doing the right thing veterans have an exceptionally tough time because if they have people under them who aren't doing their job all they can do is verbally reprimand them which will all know doesn't do crap! Here's the struggle because if we didn't do our jobs in the military people could possibly die, therefore our superiors would utilize methods of correcting our poor performance or crappy behavior as to rid of us of bad habits which could cost lives of those around us. We drill constantly on what happens we if receive SAF (small arms fire), IEDs, and various other situations. This is pounded into our brains till we act almost naturally because it's become muscle memory meaning we are able to just act. So excuse us if we don't deal with situations like most people, all we expect is for others to do their job, but even that is to much to ask sometimes. Which is freaking stupid, I mean I can understand it more if you're working an entry level job, but seriously quit whining and do your job. You aren't getting shot at, no one is trying to take your life just because of the flag you bear on your shoulder.

So after many years of adjusting from coming back from Iraq this is where I am today, adjusting is sometimes easy, but other times it can be rough. Honestly there has been good experiences and bad ones since being home. My first job was working for Papa Murphys in Duluth, the job was a joke and my coworkers were mostly passive aggressive which doesn't sit well with me. I can remember one night where the line was out the door and I was wrapping pizza at the end of the line. Had some conflict with a coworker and this is what pissed me off is the next week they put a letter in my work box. I mean seriously why can't you just come up and tell me what's going on....freaking stupid! Just come and talk to me about what happened, but don't just go behind my back acting like a freaking kid. I was terminated because I had enough of the crap and never responded to said letter. What a joke. Before you try and use our military service as a way of getting us to do what you want done, learn that that doesn't sit well with other veterans. Our military service may have nothing to do with our job is currently so back off. You do not have the right or the knowledge to use that. End of rant.

Now as I sit in my apartment down in Minneapolis on this Saturday morning I'm able to finally start to internalize what it means to come home.Coming Home is a phrase we would like to associate with a time of happiness, joy, and seeing our loved ones again, but that's not always the case. In truth it's marked with challenges, hyper awareness of what is going on, possibly flashbacks, and other memories from our time deployed. For me the good times only lasted about three months before the money I had occured from the deployment had begin to run dry and that no one I was around understood what I had just went through. Now seven years later there are days where to put it bluntly I have a rough which usually can be described as a dysfunctional veteran where I really don't care what I say, how I say it, or anything. It sure makes for an interesting day that's sure, but in time I've learned how to combat these days. These days are few and far between now and most people aren't around when they happen. Coming Home is never pretty, but it's apart of our lives just as much as we don't want it to be, but that's life.

So listen before you speak, listening to someone who's been there and hearing their heart in the story is better then just about anything else you can do. Thanks for reading and God bless!!

These songs and what they embody are the pleas of the soldiers, airmen, marines, and sailors who have served, died, bled, and were wounded. We just wanna Come Home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOn5BQ-H_H4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Niv2cSjneK8

Condemnation No More

This is a bit of a personal topic, but then again most of my blog posts are personal because they are things which are affecting me currently. Today's topic is no different than any other topics, but what makes it different is the length at which I've been fighting this. They topic is really three pieces: guilt, shame, and condemnation. Of the three, there is one that is not lesser because they all have an impact on a person.

Romans 8:1, "Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." Condemnation is one of those issues we run into because of the fallen world we live in, but is a result of the law which condemns sin. The reality is though that when Jesus came, lived, died, and rose again he fulfilled the law therefore we have this passage in the first verse of the eighth chapter of Romans. When we sin or even break the law which govern us there is a tendency to have this lingering feeling, for me most of the time it's condemnation. Condemnation tells us, "Oh no look what you did there." it's that feeling that something bad is going to happen.

This past week has been one of revelation in different ways for me because things have changed as I'm out of school and moved into a single apartment in a different complex on campus, but this freedom has which allowed me to see things in a different light. I'm reminded of the struggle of this because there have been times where sin has crept back in an area of my life and in the moments of realization things are not always as it appears. At first the voices remind me that I've sinned, but leads me to repentance, then another voice comes in and it's usually Satan and he's telling me, "Look at you, falling again...a failure." This is the condemnation Paul speaks against in Romans 8:1. Because of Christ, who has raised me out of darkness, who's taken on my sin I no longer live, but he lives in me therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I would encourage anyone who struggles with this to take a look at scripture and reference other verses to get a better understanding of what is going on. This has been an ongoing struggle for many years, but hopefully it will continue to die off in my life and that it won't come back. The journey we are on isn't always enjoyable, but we have hope in this world because Christ has overcome the world(John 16:33). So take heart my friends and continue the good fight!

Take care and God Bless!!

Anxiousness

The last week or so has been really difficult and I've had to make hard decisions in these times where it caused me to be really anxious and nervous about my future along with different aspects of my life. It's brought into question a few areas where things are very difficult to see clearly, but through my friends they have given me encouragement and joy to remind me that I am not meant to go through this life alone. The reason for this blog comes out of recent events in the last 24-36 hours and how they have impacted me.

Yesterday started off as a very good day, but things changed for whatever reason and still trying to understand what caused the shift along with the impact that it had upon me. As my Homiletic's class approached closer, there was an urge to briefly go through my 10 minute sermon, but almost in a moment my heart beat sped up. At this point I was really beginning to feel anxious so I did what I would normally, find a quiet place and get some music going to help me relax and refocus on the tasks at hand. What happened was a series of events which caused that probably helped me more than anything I could do at the moment.

After walking through the library and not finding a sufficient spot, I turned my attention to a local cafe where I would take the necessary time to refocus, relax, and if possible look at my sermon before class. Before making out of the school area, a staff member asks if I could help move some furniture, next thing you know I'm carrying bar table to another building the school owns. It was an easy task and it helped me forget about my worries and concerns. Then a fellow student from North Central ran into a problem where her dog got loose from the sounds of it and needed someone to watch her pit bull named Iffy. Strange name, but nice looking dog; boy did that little dog have a lot of strength within her body. She couldn't of been more than 40 lbs, but you think she was 65 pounds and pulled with the strength of a dog twice her size. Solid muscle all the way, but this would turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

After all the events, I was still anxious giving my sermon, the whole time standing up there my heart felt as if it was going to come through my chest. I ended 5 seconds after the timer and I breathed a sigh, not only of relief, but of peace as well. I heard some good complements and some good critiques as well, both will serve me well in my future.

Unfortunately the anxiousness was still with me this morning when I woke, reading an email which came off arrogantly written sent my morning spiraling down. At which point I made the effort to text a few friends who were able to offer insight which allowed me to understand what had been going on. Their encouraging words helped provide the spark needed to motivate myself to change and not put up with this anxiousness. To seek out and remove the root cause of why I was feeling anxious. It's in these moments when I realize just how valuable community truly is, how we as Christians and people generally need others in our lives to encourage us, pick us up, and at times walk with us through difficult circumstances which we face in our lives.

Take care and God Bless!

P.S. I know that it has been a while since my last blog post on "One Thousand Gifts" as I'm taking time off to focus more on school work which is a priority. Hopefully it will resume in a few weeks.

chapter 5: what in the world, in all this world, is grace?

" One act of thanksgiving, when things go wrong with us, is worth a thousand thanks when things are agreeable to our inclinations."

Saint John of Avila

It's July and the flag which the Ann's mom bought her is flapping in the wind, it's early morning and she's watering the flowers. The watering can empties, she peers over the porch to watch the bees pollinate, a hummingbird darts from lip to lip of the flowers and the author holds her breath. In a moment everything changes as the words it her hard, "Levi's hand went through a fan at the barn." Knees weak, she runs across the drive way barefoot, eyes shot white.

Levi is howling in pain, the strength of each fan blade hitting his hand and fingers could of severed his hand and fingers, but that wasn't the case. He still had a hand and all his fingers, three hours later they are home from the ER, she opens the doors for their oldest child, seven years old. He's up bad, but only the index finger is broke, he has to see the surgeon, but his hand is intact.

"God's grace" The author's mother pats her should gently and she feels her relief. Ann guides Levi into the house, a slippery question climbs up the author, nearly rattling her tongue loose, but she refuses to open her mouth. And what is his hand had been right sheared off? What of God's grace then? She wonders if she can ask that question.

Ann readies a place for Levi after all the tears and waiting in the ER, he is weary, she comforts him as she strokes his head. She recalls what she heard on the radio on the way, a thirteen year old farm boy was killed, the death was ruled accidental. Her thoughts turn to what his mother must be feeling, how her heart must be fractured.

She glances down at her gratitude journal and remembers how gratitude is daily practice and a discipline we constantly need to put into place. She glances down the list and counts her blessings, the mystery of unlocking joy. "Come early winter, I jotted haltingly, not wanting it to end," then she writes her one thousandth gift, carefully chosen. 1000. Resurrection bloom, an amaryllis, a gift a year in the coming. Her mother in law had given her these the year before, they were kept on the windowsill in the kitchen. Cancer had taken her mother in law, her bulb trumpeted a call: Fully live! Live fully! 


My Thoughts
This beginning of the chapter are going to be focused on the beginning as it hit me the hardest simply because of this semester has shaped up and through various events in my life that have left me wondering, "What of God's grace then?" This has been something which at times struggled to understand as to why and now this chapter of this book is the prefect place to maybe share my thoughts on this.

When you have the experiences that I do, have asked the questions which I have, you begin to wonder why did all this happen? You ask, "Why? Where was God? What was the reason that this happened? These were a lot of the questions which I asked right after I had gotten blown up, they are questions which still don't have answers to this day. There are certain things one could say that maybe could fill the answers to my questions.

The reality is none of them fill the answer perfectly or put into words why I went through what I did and then to ask, "Where is the grace of God?" Maybe his grace was saving the lift of my teammates and mine as well. Maybe God's grace is what protected me in the midst of that fifteen month hell. Maybe God's grace is yet to be made perfect in my life? I do not know, but there are more questions still than there are answers.

My only choice really is to remain thankful, a task that is not easy nor lite in what that it entails. A good friend of mine coined the phrase, "Attitude of gratitude." To be grateful for what we've been given and not get selfish or negative in our attitudes. This is a daily struggle at times because our lives have so much going on in them at times and we would like everything to go our way, but that's not always the case truthfully and if anyone tells you otherwise they are lying to you.

God's grace is there for us when we don't deserve it, are not sure why these events in our life have happened. There will and maybe always be questions that we don't have answers for, but one thing we have to to look forward to is Heaven. When we are standing there face to face with Jesus nothing else will matter.

Take care and God bless!!

chapter 4: a sanctuary of time

" All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

J.R.R. Tolkien

With this being my 100th blog post I'm going to simply share my thoughts, there has been much thinking about this chapter specifically and the affects that it has had on me.

When I first read this chapter, I posted a quick clip of what I had been thinking about. I felt convicted by this chapter as a lot of what I'd been struggling with was how my time was being spent and the time spent with God. In the last week or so it's been a struggle and this hit me like a freight train, immediately I had realized what I had been doing.

In the months previous to this semester it was very easy for me to get away and spend time with God, to quiet myself and listen or meditate if that's how I felt lead. This was very hard for me to hear this as the book played out, but it was timely. It's help me understand how grateful for the good times and the hard times when I'm not very thankful.

Then this piece grabbed after finishing the book and it turned into a post on facebook. I had been rushing everywhere I would need to go, not slowing down and taking the time to savor the moments where God would touch me in a way that was new and powerful.

"In our rushing, bulls in china shops, we break our own lives. 
Haste makes waste." One Thousand Gifts

The biggest misconception about time is that we need more of it. What we really need is to be present where we are, not the past nor the future, but where we are in the moment. You see as a society it's all about what we want, having more time, but it's all a lie. If you want a full life, live in the moments that you have been given. Focus on what is in front of you, not what's behind you or in the future. Breathe, relax, and soak in the precious moments of life. Live a life of thankfulness. Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving. Create a list if it helps, but live in the moments because before you know it, life is gone.

Eurcharisteo. Thanksgiving, it's amazing how thing's change when we start realizing how giving thanks changes our attitude. But probably the biggest thing from this chapter has been learning to understand time differently. It's not about needing more, but using the time we've been given wisely, using our time in a way that is better for us, for God, and for others around us. Time can be a sanctuary if we use the time we've been correctly, there are plenty of scripture pieces which speak on no worrying about the past or the future as today has enough worries of it' own. 

This book has been very humbling for me to read and it's had an impact beyond measure as God has used it in countless ways to help me see what needs changing. I've enjoyed reading this book so far, it's requiring more time to savor the book therefore less reading and more time to process what I'm reading. Which in turns less blogging, it's something that I would recommend everyone to read, even if you're not a Christian, there are a lot of good principles which can be learned. 

Hope you have a wonderful! Take care and God Bless!!

chapter 3: first flight

This chapter starts with a moment in kitchen as the author is cooking with a friend and as the work continually at their tasks, the friend looks at Ann(author) and says, "You've changed." Unsure of what to say, Ann quickly gets back to preparing dinner for the two families.

Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving or giving thanks. The author plugs away at what she has been trying to change for a while, she talks about how if one is thirsty that they do not look for a book to quench their thirst, but they look for water. She continues to look within herself to see the transformation which has been taking place.

In the coming paragraphs the author begins a list, a list of things she is thankful, the list grows as she realizes just how much she has to be thankful. These are things which are very basic things, yet the smile is profound and the list grows, and it continues to grow as does her smile and her joy. It all goes back to one word, "Eucharisteo." Thanksgiving or giving thanks. Such a simple word, yet a profound experience when the author begins to live that word out daily in her life, the transformation is more than skin deep.

" And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...." Gave thanks. This is the dare, this is Eucharisteo. She flips through the pages of her Bible and finds a couple verses from Philippians.

       "I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost                    nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is          with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little."
       Philippians 4:11-12

This secret that Paul describes almost back to back in these verses is, Eucharisteo, it's as if this word is the very existence of the author. She begins to understand what it means to have thanksgiving or give thanks the more she digs in.

The next morning she grabs her pen and begins to continue the list of things which she is thankful for, her mind dances across thoughts, memories, and current undertakings. The list grows and so does the smile.

The author's husband comes and with a soft sigh, "We lost another litter this morning," he cleans himself as they sit down for breakfast. He's been up four hours already feeding the sows already; there is talk of what's been killing the litters and what is killing the late term pregnancies like what he is experiencing in his sows. There is continued to talk between the husband and the wife and the husband expresses his thoughts on what is killing all the litters as he's informed the local vet who he's been friends with since kindergarten.

The clear the table, he reads some scripture from Amos, the husband goes back to work. Late in the afternoon he comes in and heads directly to the study. He's on to something, already tapping furiously away at the keyboard, she watches from the kitchen. He continues to tap away at the keys, he's hot on the trail of what's been killing the litters, she rubs his shoulders and asks softly, "Anything?" He feels confident that he's found, but it's nearly impossible to eradicate, yet he breathes a sigh of relief. It's good just to name it.

Ann continues to create her list of what she is thankful for, what God has granted her. The list is now in the hundreds and it continues to grow. She makes a reference to the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve and walking in the cool of the day with God.

The author begins with some miracle of joy as she calls it, she is amazed at how her tongue just might be the tail of her heart. She is getting at the attitude of her heart as the tongue tells the story of what is in our heart; whether it's thankfulness or bitterness in some regard. Eucharisteo. The realization that many times she had heard the message, but never practiced being thankful or thanksgiving.

It's a new day and Ann is going back and forth with what will be her ink and parchment, but regardless she builds on her list. Her husband finds her, leaning over a plate of cheese all shredded and ready for a pizza. He remarks at how he likes finding her like this, lost in what she is doing, he pulls her close. Full of joy, happy in all the little things that God gives.

The next four pages is a continuation of Ann's desire to live a life of thanksgiving, she realizes that things in her life are changing, the joy, the happiness, and the thanksgiving. All tied to the attitude of being thankful for what we've been given.

My Thoughts

This chapter was particularly hard for me to read as certain memories were brought up and the circumstances which surrounded those specific times in my life. It challenged me in many different ways. I think it's difficult because it was either 2010 or 2011 and had been going through a series of VA appointments which were done in the Twin Cities because I had been experiencing difficulties in school. The results showed what it wasn't that was affecting, but it also pointed to what was bothering me.

I remember standing there and picking up the phone, talking to the doctor and hearing the results; naming what had been my struggle and in a moment I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew what was going, my assumption had been right. It was P.T.S.D. In the coming months, I would find myself struggling with the reality as life changed all around me.

The hard reality would set in when there would be flashbacks, moments of when I would struggle with the diagnoses, and would struggle to think who would ever want me. Yet here I am, with many friends all around and thankful that I have them with me, standing by my side. We all have our own challenges that we face and this has been mine in the sense that he's a struggle.

It's not who I am or who I've become, but some part of my reality although there are far more better days than worse days. It's for those days that I am truly thankful for, those moments when all seems right in my days where people do not notice my thoughts, actions, or mannerism. All they see is me, who I am today, not where I've been or what I've done, but the Nathan that Christ has redeemed, set free, and changed for the better.

Take care and God bless!!!

chapter 2: a word to live...and die by

When I read this chapter of the book it was really quite startling at some points and the honesty of the author gripped me to the point where I couldn't stop reading, but I've dedicated a chapter a day except today.

From the beginning with the nightmare and how this dream had affected her and what she recalls from it really lets you know that she understands what she is talking about....how she recalls the feels when she hears the dreaded "C" word. Cancer. It taunts her and the doctor tells her in the nightmare and has been consumer her even while she had birthed six beautiful babies.

The thought of dying young taunts her in such a way that she begins to think and wonder if there is something she is missing, she comes to the conclusion that she wants to live, to fully live. She recalls how it all started with the pain of her distraught mother at the psychiatric hospital aching for the baby she lost which bled through the blankets.

The author begins to tell how for years all she wanted was to die after waking up, life was a nightmare. She wasn't content with life and the life she was living, wrestling with self-hatred and the responsibilities of being a parents. It hits the author that she really wants to live.

The end comes for us, she says and how it will come with or without a doctor's warning, that's the reality of life. She continues about with her daily routine, but while doing this she realizes how this nightmare has rattled her, now she something must be done, but what is that...

She continues to seek after what it means to live fully and what it means, the author dives deep into her relationship with God. She presses in, searching for words or anything that will help her discover. She checks her email and is struck with an email from a mother who's seventeen year old son was just diagnosed with cancer, there are no words to comfort her.

In the coming pages of this chapter, the author dives head first into finding her answer, searching the New and Old Testament, along with Greek words in search, but in the end she still doesn't have the answer. She realizes that in the end, "Does she really want to be saved?" A word stands out from the Greek, "Eucharisteo."

While reading this chapter and having been there myself at times trying to find the meaning of living fully and what that means for me and even now I'm in that season of my life, the author's words penetrate into my heart. The wanting of a full life, a life fully lived and not just going through the daily routine, but one that is making an impact. For me this especially hard right as there are many different things happening in my life. This semester has challenged me to be thankful and my understanding of thanksgiving has been challenged as well.

Through this semester I've had financial issues from vehicle issues, to a badly sprained wrist, and a chipped tooth on top of a very tough semester of college with classes that are challenging me. Information at time that overwhelms me and now here I am a little over half way through the semester, unsure of how this semester will turn out and trying to remain thankful. Having joy in my life has been increasingly tough and my comprehension of grace has grown dramatically through this semester.

This chapter is something else, because it forces the reader into someones life and what they are struggling with and frankly it's what I have been struggling with for a while now. I cannot not continue to remark on how much this book is just pinging me with where I am at right now. It's crazy because it's written in a style which I enjoy, but as a reader it continually draws me in. In some way the more I read the book it's as if it's ministering to me and my needs, I know it's sound weird or awkward, but until you read the book then don't judge it.

It's very challenging knowing that they are times when I do not know what will happen or how this semester or the rest of my life will play out, but still the call is to be thankful, filled with thanksgiving, grace, and joy. For the joy of the Lord is your strength, Nehemiah 8:10, For it is by grace through faith that you have saved, not by works so that no one can boast Ephesians 2:8-9, and finally Give thanks in all circumstance; for that is God's will for you in Christ Jesus 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

Take care and God bless!!!

Chapter 1: an emptier, fuller life

"Every sin is an attempt to fly from emptiness."
Simon Weil, Gravity and Grace

This chapter starts out with the birth of the author and picture prefect August day, the author describes her own birth in a way that draws you in as the reader. She explains the meaning of her name, but also chimes in about how short it is as well. Ann means "full of grace," and then she goes on talking about what it means to live full of grace. In the coming paragraph reality strikes as the author is about to turn four trauma strikes and she uses a phrase that taunts me, "They say memory jolts awake with trauma's electricity."

This is the year the author turns four and her parents are holding her sister, looking down stunned at what had just happened. She describes what she sees, the scene is a day in November and she is watching the from  the kitchen window as her parents are holding the body of her baby sister in a quilt, rocking back and forth. The police come and begin to their work, reports are filled out. There is a lot of pain and agony for the family and the author, as she describes it as a burning sensation.

The truck driver explains that he never saw her, against the weight of the trucks load there was only death, blood covering the ground. The author depicts the unthinkable and the accident which occurred and how her mother continues on to nurse the families fourth child, yet witness the death of their third child. The author continues to talk about her memories of the death of her sister who wasn't very old.She recounts the lose of her sister and how her parents deal with her death, at one point she asks her dad while stroking his hair after a long day in the field about church, the accident, and finally about believing in God. His reply was simple, it wasn't important anymore and that if there was a God, he wasn't there the day the accident happened.

She recounts the creation story and how that affects us today, we doubt God's goodness and what he really has for us, and that it's better than anything we could ever find or give to ourselves. She continues to talk about Satan and how he desire for power, glory, and the sheer desire for more of everything drove him to tempt and deceive Eve in the garden which perverted God's plan for mankind. This affected man kind as we no longer trusted God, believed that he was good, and that God has good things for us.

In the final eight pages something happens, a transition in the story takes place, the author in now grown up and a family of her own. She is standing with her brother in law on a January night, it's New Year's Day and the words sink in hard and fast. John(the brother in law) tells the author that they just lost their second child just eighteen months after their first to the same genetic disease that they lost their first child too. The boy lived five months compared to the four months of the first child, his parents rejoiced that they got to share Christmas with this child, and that he lived longer. It was very humbling for the author. This quote gripped me, "You know..." John's voice breaks into my memory and his gaze lingers, then turns again toward the waving wheat field. "Well, even with our boys...I don't know why that all happened." He shrugs again..."But do I have to?...Who knows?....."

"My Thoughts"
While reading this chapter of this book, I was left unsure of what I was thinking, feeling, or even thought normal for a person to go through in their life. I recounted some of my experiences which have left me questioning God's goodness, his plans for my life, and at times why I was spared or how I walked away from such events in my life. One of the first close calls that I had came on highway 35 heading north, we were coming home from a trip to the south and there was four lanes of traffic heading north and south, then off on the right side of the road a buck makes a mad dash across all the north bound lanes of traffic and here I am sitting in the front seat next to my dad. As we near, I'm sure we are going to hit the deer, but at the last second he jumps over the front end of our families 1991 Suburban and I'm in shock. I'm at this point hyper ventilating from the event. In a single bound the animal was gone, never saw what happened to the deer; just about had to peal myself off the seat after that, my mom got me breathing regularly again. Wow. There are no words to describe something like that at such a young age.

It's hard to understand experiences that alter a persons life and when it leaves you questioning and asking "Why?" you know that you may never have the answers. There have been a lot of times where I've wondered why, but I may never know that answer on this earth and may never know why. This book took me by surprise right away with the rawness of the wording and description the author used to convey how she felt during these experiences. She really does a good job to make you feel apart of the story which in a way helps you understand what she is going through with her family.

The title of the chapter is really interesting as well, because it's a conundrum in the sense that it doesn't make sense logically. An emptier, fuller life, how does that make sense? It's doesn't logically, but when you put your faith in God and his son Jesus Christ you are literally emptied of yourself and filled with God's spirit. It's something that takes place as quickly as we let it, I say this because we have the ability to limit God's ability to change us into what he's created us to be. This title reminds about dying to the flesh, so that we may live by the spirit and find fulfillment in Jesus. Allowing God to give us the good gifts he so desires to give his children.

This book isn't for the faint of heart or feeble minded as it challenges you from the beginning and continues to do so throughout the entire first chapter and I expect it to do so till the very end. I say this not as a warning, but as a note of compassion as the situations described in this book will leave you unsure or asking why did that happen, but you see we all have experiences that we ask or we are unsure about. But at times you may want to question God or ask what was the purpose behind letting that happen, but alas we will never know. So far this is an awesome book and I look forward to reading it.

Thanks and God bless!!

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

I heard about this book through a friend and something about it taunted, dared me to read it and on Tuesday this week while talking to my friend Deb who recommended it, I purchased it. From the cover there isn't much that would intrigue me besides the title. Without much hesitation I dived right in this morning read the first chapter and wow..............she writes in such a style and manner that is powerful, riveting, and passionate.

My intent is to start a blog series that talks about a summary of the chapter and then dialoguing my thoughts or what came to mind after reading the chapter. This is a new adventure for me doing a blog series based on a book and I look forward to it.

"A dare to live fully right where you are."

Personality Tests

In the recent weeks after taking a couple personality tests and looking inwardly at my personality in comparison to the results of these tests it's apparent that there needs to be some tweaking in how I manage my time. Specifically time around people because as someone who tittering on the edge of ISTJ and ISFJ, the introverted person I am requires significant time away from people to recharge. This Wednesday I spent a solid five hours at local sporting goods store in Rogers, MN without any timelines I was able to do something which I enjoy.

The reason I'm writing this is because this is something that we as people are always keenly aware of or wonder why others aren't engaging in activities. For the most part I enjoy being an introvert, I find that there is a lot of positives in that I am an introvert, but there are times when it's absolutely challenging because of the P.T.S.D. Let me explain, with P.T.S.D. there comes isolation so when you pair that with introverts it's extremely difficult to know when you are isolating yourself or when you need time away to recharge. In my early years after coming back from Iraq this was a constant struggle for me as I tended to pull away, but slowly I began to engage again learning how to see the signs of isolation.

When I started writing this I thought it would be a lot easier than this, but it's actually quite challenging talking about ones personality and how it's plays into their daily lives. The three consistent traits in my personality are I,S, and J. The I being introverted, S for sensing which means I take in everything in a room, very observant, and Judging:Decisive, prefer clear rules and guidelines, eager to commit, see deadlines as sacred, seek closure. Now the difference is the T and F. Thinking for T is defined by thinker, tough, follow their minds, suppress feelings, focus on objectivity and rationality. Feeling: Sensitive, follow their hearts, keep feelings close to the surface, focus on harmony and cooperation. 

For me it's literally splitting hairs, that's the difference between being an ISTJ or ISFJ because at times I can be very judging or use feeling to understand people, situations, or use them in conjunction. I think what confuses people the most is that do not understand or know the personality type they are, this is something that I would recommend personally. In the coming weeks there are some very relevant changes I will be making to help maintain a balance life. 

A side note for me, I hear everything so to much sound brings on sensory overload which drives me nuts, this is one of the most challenging things about living in the city. It's annoying as all get out and so combat it, I get away from the city. Hope you have enjoyed reading this. Take care and God Bless!!

Hacking: Christianity

So it's a new year and here we all are getting ready for new adventures this year whatever that maybe. Oddly enough I'm finishing up a viewing of Les Miserables again and listening to the music, the songs, and the theme that I find within the movie. I would love to read the book sometime in the future, but there are other things that which have my attention currently.

However something has sparked great interest within me after watching a 13 year old boy talk about schooling and the advantages of homeschooling or in his words, "hackschooling." This is something that he describes intimately in his video which I will link and you really should watch as there is a lot of good information in the video. 

After watching this video my brain began to think about what is going on with our Christianity and how can we show people something new, but not take away anything from the Bible. You see people all around our country are becoming bored with Christianity so it's with a simple question that I asked, "Why?" Why is this happening? Why are people leaving the best thing we could ever ask for? So the term "hacking" comes in because it's a word that we would typically use with computers, but in truth we need to hack American Christianity and let it become something that is truth, that excites people, that shows just what Christianity is all about, the power in that relationship with Christ. In a sense it's a reformation, but please don't look to me because I'm a simple person who likes to ask hard questions because it challenges me to look deeper. To look at the root of the issue is to understand why people are walking away.

In my humble and honest opinion I do truly believe that if people who become bored with their faith, their relationship, and all that is Christianity than we as the church are failing them to a degree. But the other part of the issue is that their relationship might very well be stagnate which means they are not growing. So how do we show people a life full of Christ that excites, that burns with passion, and energy that changed our lives into something new and completely exciting. 

So why aren't we as a church not seeing the changes we want in our communities, in our sphere of influences, and within our families? Maybe just maybe they see something that bores them or something that is a waste of time. So what is happening within us? Why do we lack that passion, that motivation, and that desire to live our lives for Christ and not ourselves. You see there is truly something that is missing if you ask me because Christianity isn't boring or a time waste, it's something that is powerful and life altering. My testimony is an alteration of my life and how God has changed my life into something bigger than myself. It's a constant struggle dying to oneself and how we have to be constantly vigilant and fervent in prayer, in seeking God's counsel, and being guided in the Holy Spirit.

So let me ask you this: Is your relationship dead, dying, or growing cold? What's changed? How can we as Christians and as the Church help each other stay dedicated to Christ? Are we losing our desire, our willingness, or the passion to follow Christ?

I know my struggles so I would recommend you figure out yours. Take care and God Bless!!